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2016-04-08 22:38:18 (UTC)

More Cynical Rants From Yours Truly

"Ghosting" by Mother Mother [very good... they always sound dark... one part of it reminds me of a Pixies song. I think Hey but maybe not...?]

I've been ghosting
I've been ghosting along
Ghost in your house
Ghost in your arms

When you're tossing, when you turn in your sleep,
it's because I'm ghosting your dreams.
And this is why I have decided
to pull these old white sheets from my head.
I'll leave them folded neat and tidy
so that you'll know I'm out of hiding.

I've been ghosting,
I've been ghosting along.
Ghost in the world, ghost with no home.
I remember, I remember the days
when I'd make you oh so afraid.
And this is why I have decided
to leave your house and home un-haunted.
You don't need poltergeists for sidekicks.
You don't need treats.
You don't need tricks.
You don't need no Halloween..
You don't need treats,
you don't need tricks,
and you don't need me.

Would it be so bad if I stayed?
I'm just a ghost out of his grave..
and I can make love in my grave..
I won't put white into your hair
I won't make noises in your stairs
I will be kind and I'll be sweet
if you stop staring straight through me..
And this is why I have decided
to pull these old white sheets from my head.
I'll leave them folded neat and tidy
so that you'll know I'm out of hiding.
And this is why I have decided
to leave your house and home un-haunted.

April 8, 2016 Friday 10:52 PM

Today's song should be "April 8th" by Neutral Milk Hotel but this song is really good so. Sorry.

I almost cried again today. I don't really wanna talk about it since the issue is resolved and it was stupid anyways. Point is, though, that the after-cry feeling stuck in my nose even though I shed no tears and I was shaking so bad all during math. I wasn't even that upset – it's just whenever someone makes it seem like I'm upset, I GET upset. It's weird.

Wow, though. I was also really sleepy all day. I stayed up until like 3 AM doing homework. I did not have an appointment with Pat, but I have one on Sunday.

Five of the nine school periods were spent in Mr. Sandwich's classroom because we weren't doing anything in Spanish and my Chem teacher was absent (we had a double block). The other two periods were art and lunch, so I mean. Meh.

I feel very sleepy right now, too. And my head hurts.

It was freezing today, even started snowing during track. We had to run six 400s which wouldn't have been bad except for that the weather made my muscles stiffen and so I felt as if I were running underwater. Plus, I couldn't breathe as well as I can normally, partly due to the temperature and partly because my nose was sort of stuffy from not-crying.

(I fell asleep briefly in my English class.... god I feel crappy right now haha I did nothing today)

This week was pretty good...

Oh. Sandwich was (fake?) trying to set me up with his son which was. Weird. His son might be gay??? Why is he doing this?!??!? His son is hot, that's true, but it's weeeiiirdddd. Also his son wasn't interested in dating me (dating in general, is what Sandwich said) which didn't cause too much disappointment.

I told Sandwich I wasn't interested in dating, which is true. I also said I am not completely against the idea (this is where he stopped listening) but still, mostly I think I'm better off on my own. Besides, I have Liv and Adrian. Sure, I don't have romantic relationships with them, but we're so affectionate you might think we do.

If a relationship comes along, I'm going to take it, but I am aware that I've got a fucked up idea of what is and isn't a relationship and I should probably sort that out first. Eventually. Oh, well. Like I said – being with myself is okay.


That Peer Leadership meeting I went to earlier this week did what it does best, apparently???!?!?! Which is to say, it made me feel things.

I don't... NOT feel things. But over the past month or so, I've just grown sort of apathetic to a lot of things. People, events, you fucking name it. I do not have a lot of real, caring feelings towards much. A lot of what comes out of my mouth feels so hollow to me...

"Oh, you're cat died? Oh, how sad..." Yeah, I don't care. Things die all the time and it's not like you'd give a fuck if MY cat died, which is totally fine with me. I'm just saying.

"Oh no, thirty people died in Orlando after a roller coaster crash? Sucks." But yeah, I don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care. People die all the fricking time in all kinds of horrific ways. What's new? I guess you're not supposed to see things that way, and I wish I didn't. It's much better to hurt.

But like. Whatever. I'm content. I have good friends, friends with which I am no longer annoyed with (this being Liv – I love her again. Well, I claim I love her and then that feeling becomes real sometimes and then disappears yeah okay what? This might just be how everyone's emotions work). And I have a really good life as an average sixteen year old in an average dilapidated city surrounded by a circle of very... not-average people... People who I know very well. And everyone else, I can dismiss as being just as average as I am, but I know that if I got to know some of them, I'd realize they were insanely precious.

This is something I would know, not feel.

Ow. My head hurts.

POINT: Peer leadership opened up some of my feelings, which is good I guess. That meeting is what allowed me to stop being annoyed with my friends. And I actually feel somewhat concerned with world affairs. Normally, I just watch them play out in a semi-amused sort of "humanity sucks" type way. Not that I actually think humanity sucks. Quite the opposite. I love people and their horrible, horrible flaws.

But I sometimes see no point in fighting all the bad in the world. Because I've learned that this stuff will just keep happening – that shouldn't discourage me, but it does. People killing people killing people killing people killing everything else in the process. Cool, let's have a party where we all drink ourselves into oblivion because you know that in order to fight this, you need the support of a ton of people... and even then, you'll have to compromise and progress will be so slow, too fucking slow. You know that most of the time it barely makes a difference. What's that lyric in Randy Describes Eternity?

"Every thousand years this metal sphere, ten times the size of Jupiter, floats just a few years past the Earth/ You climb on your roof and take a swipe at it with a single feather. Hit it once every thousand years/ til you've worn it down to the size of a pea. Now I'd say that's a long time, but it's only half a blink in the place you're gonna be..."

That's relevant, I swear, haha.

I remember, as a kid, someone asked me if I thought world peace was possible. I considered all the murder shows I used to watch back then (that's what happens when you don't have the upgraded cable with all the kids shows... you end up watching National Geographic specials). And then I decided that no, world peace is not possible. People are violent. They will always be violent. I can't see a way around it, really. And this idea has stuck with my through the years, which is maybe why I'm not bummed about it – it's not really a surprise to me.

I hate, hate, hate all of this. Hate that there is so much ME in my head. I can't escape it...


Jeez, my writing always comes off like I'm having some sort of crisis but I promise you, I'm totally fine. This is just what I am thinking about. But really, I am not feeling anything bad at the moment. Just sleepiness and a mild headache and contentment since I managed to finish some homework.

Okay... Gotta go be alive now. C ya.


My dad said to me a few weeks ago, "Don't get TOO cynical."

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