Thoughts Of a Near Blonde Princess
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2016-03-08 11:12:59 (UTC)

Last April

It was nearly the best day of my life. Isn't that what they say it feels like when you think you've met the love of your life?
Unfortunately, its true, I don't think there was a bigger smile on my face that had being frowning for so long. I knew from the very beginning that there was no way any kind of relationship was going to be easy, quick, or completely happy. He wasn't like every other guy, which wearied me a lot. Normally when a guy with a big ego is trying to get my attention, I just ignore them laugh and walk away. Now this is the point where normally people would ask "You regret not walking away don't you?" or "Think how easier it would have been if you walked away?" All those opinions are wrong, to me anyway. If I had have walked away I would have missed out on so much. That so much was a lot of pain and confusion, but the happiness outweighed them both.
He was perfect. And he knew it. This kind of attitude wearied me a lot. For most of my teenage life (which is now drawing to a near close) I have only had guys who rode use me to get a patch or to get into a higher rankings good books.

He already had a patch.

That was the weird part. I didn't know what to do. I'm usually that friend who always knows what to do. In this case, I had no idea. Of course he knew that. He liked that I didn't know what to do, he used it to his own advantage. He had this knee buckling smirk. And that was what drew me in. I loved it. Normally I'm not one for attention, especially in public, but I loved the attention he was giving me. It was almost like the thing I was looking for, what I needed.
I was easy to get, but easier for him. He was the 'Ladies man', used his shiny black Ninja to get girls, or so I had been told. The worst part is, I wanted to be one of them. I didn't care how many girls he had been with, or how many he got with his bike ( I didn't care as long as he didn't have any STD's or kids) Why did I care If he had kids? At the time I was sixteen, and that's wayyy too young to be playing step mum. Now nearing my twenties it wouldn't bother me so much, but I still want to be the one he marries and has children with. (Did I really just say that?) Oh yes, I just said that. Now at the ripe ol' age of sixteen wasn't thinking that, we not so much. I was more thinking about how I wanted him to be my first date (he wasn't), and be my first time (and sadly, wasn't). Why wasn't he my first date? I was slightly depressed from his departure and fill the gap with some possibly gay (who is now the biggest whore, bigger than Gaz Beadle and Scotty T) year 9. That didn't last long though. Why wasn't he my first time? Well I actually held out for over two years. Waiting. And old 'friend' from high school had been trying to get with me for over a year, so just before my eighteenth birthday (legal for everything YAAYYY) I finally caved in. Do I regret it? Yes.

He was everywhere. It was like he knew I wanted him. No beating around the bush, I did. More than anything, I was ready to give it all up to him. I know I was not thinking very well though through last April, ( now three April's ago) but the heart- more like body wants what the body wants. I was willing to do anything which sounds ridiculous. But when you feel butterflies, you follow those butterflies. That's what I did. They lead me to him. The timing was slightly wrong. Everything that was going on in my life was not capable with a relationship. From nearly dying due to heart failure to nearly dying from a self inflicted cut, to just having depression. Not to mention the stress of going to college to do years 11 and 12 to get the ATAR points I needed for Uni.

He kept it up. Riding past me slowly, flicking his visor up and down. I was warned about him, but I took no notice.
Why. Isn't that something you normally take notice of? Warnings. You take notice of road warnings. The end of April came the last time I saw the black Ninja and of the flicking visor.
But it wouldn't be the end. I started running (because this was the time he saw me the most, outside by the park) in this ridiculous see through striped Calvin Klein active wear singlet. I would run with a black push-up bra under my sports bra as well. It was a tad stupid but it worked. He had to go back down south though. I originally thought it was because he had gotten bored of me.

Every time I listened to Bring Me The Horizon's Blessed With a Curse, I used to think it was part of the reason he left.

"Take back every word I've said, ever said to you"

"I know I said my heart beats for you. I was lying girl
I've been lying to you..."

This was where the pain came in. Not knowing why.
I hated that word. I still hate it now. Come to think of it, it's just a stupid word.

After my ex and I broke up, I heard of him again.
December 15th brought the leavers dinner, and well he was there, and at the after party too. I always wondered if he knew about all the stupid stuff I have done. All the ridiculous illegal shit. But most of all I want to know if he wanted to be my first, instead of old mate from high school. Not a day goes by that I don't wish it was him instead of old mate from high school. I wish I had waited longer. But I was nearly eighteen and was the last virgin out of my friends. In a way I guess I was kind of pressured into it. I still remember the night, I didn't want to do it.

So why did I?
And that is the question I ask myself everyday. I spent nearly three months of my life caught up on this. Why. Eventually you just half to be slapped in the face and be told to get over it. Now I'm moving. To the other end of the state. And guess whose there?
That's right, him.
I'm not moving down there because he is there. (only slightly) I'm going there for uni, and well because I've always wanted to move there. At least for the past four years.

I miss him, but I would never admit it out loud to anyone.
I didn't need too.
I still don't need to too.

Because he knows.

And he, along with the rest of my life and my life long debt awaits me.

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