✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-04-05 18:53:38 (UTC)

Flare


Dear reader,

I know what's wrong with me.
I recognize the symptoms.
I have lived with depression all of my life.

It behaves uniquely to the individual who has it..

For me it's almost always present, but varies in intensity,
Often goes hand in hand with my anxiety... And my other issues.

It's a demon that has lived in my head for as long as I can remember , and it is responsible for the existence of some the other demons that I have.

For a long time now, my depression has been weak during the day, but becomes intense at night.

Newer triggers are adopted as my life changes and fluctuates.

I knew that at some point after graduating, this would happen.
I knew after I lost my laptop, that it was only a matter of time.


I know what it is... I've been through these before..
I call them flares.
Where my depression suddenly spikes, and is strong, and unwavering...
It's still worse at night, but I used to wake feeling normal after a bad night... But now I wake feeling the same, and it doesn't go away throughout the day... There might be a few windows where I'm normal.. But it comes back.. And when the sun goes down,
A current drags me from the shallow end into deep water...
And I'm not a good swimmer.

I'm so fucking tired, all the time no matter if I get a good night sleep. But half the time I don't... Because the depression keeps me awake...

I have no energy, and no desire to do anything.
Not even the things that I love.
I started to clean my room last week, I got to a certain point,
And I just gave up.
I've been neglecting my chores..
and for the past week...
I've spent every day in bed...
And I spend every second I can on my ipod..
Talking with Josh when I can..

My depression is triggering my anxiety...
I strongly have no desire to do anything,
and it has to be one of the worst times to feel that way,
Because my grandma has so many renovation projects,
and I have to help.
I panic inside when I hear her stand up and start walk around..

I didn't used to mind going places with my grandma..
I even could talk, usually the entire time.

But now, I hate it.
All I want to do is stay in my room all day.
And I just sit there... consumed with thoughts..
Unable to speak or hold conversation.


I dread evenings when she cooks, because it means I have to clean it all up afterwards.. which takes so much time away from the time I have the laptop.


My panic disorder causes the nerves in my hands to hurt...
And the last flare I had, my hands hurt so badly..
I could only describe it as fire in my nerves.

And the fire is back.

My fingers shake and I'm jittery all the fucking time.

I have so many headaches...
My body is sore for no reason...

I catch myself with my face in my hands.. with my eyes closed...
So often through out the day.


Nick messages me through-out the day,
and half the time I just can't be bothered.
I just don't have to the energy to talk...


I've become so antisocial...
But yet.. craving interaction at the same time.
It's confusing.


My emotions have become so unstable..
I get so easily offended, angry, frustrated and sad so quickly..
Over anything and everything..
Even something as simple as having to get up just so I can properly plug in a charger into an outlet because I can't reach it from my bed.

Everything that usually clears my head and lifts my mood..
Isn't working.

I just can't pull myself out of it.

Writing is one of the few things that bring me solace..
And I can't even do that much anymore.
I was finally beating the writer's block that plagued me for over a year.. And now my laptop is gone, and I have to wait for an opportunity to use my brother's laptop.

I can only write when I feel the sudden inspiration to, and if I don't sit down and write it at that moment, chances are, I won't be able to write about that topic again.

I'm terrified of the writer's block returning..
and abandoning another diary that I love so fucking much..
That I finally was able to keep up after so long..


I cry almost every night..
Even during the day I cry a few times.

I just randomly burst into tears,...
and I hurt so much inside..


And I don't know why.


Sincerely,
Drowning




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