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2016-04-02 18:18:47 (UTC)

Why Do I Let Myself Take Afternoon Naps Ever? They Only Serve To Depress Me

[sorry, the world is dead silent right now – except for the birds]

April 2, 2016 Saturday 6:19 PM

I'm feeling really dull and gross because after the field trip, I took a nap and only woke up like a half an hour ago. And then I realized I just had a really fucked up dream.

So in real life, Justin dropped me off after the Youth Summit (which I call a field trip for short, but it wasn't really) at my house. We always travel around via a white YMCA van. In my dream, he hadn't yet dropped me off.

For some reason, he drove us back to the YMCA only the YMCA building was gone so we were just in a parking lot on top of a hill – and the hill was way higher than it normally is. In my dream, it was like I passed out or something and when I woke up, I had puke crusted in the corner of my mouth and all puddled beside my head. I was wearing my track clothes and lying on the pavement. A lot of people were there.

The sun was setting so the sky was "burnt orange" – makes sense, since I read that particular arrangement of words in reference to the sky before falling asleep.

Caroline told me I'd gotten sick (for some reason, I knew I wasn't actually sick, that something had caused me to lose my memory of what really went on). I in fact spent the whole dream really confused. I thought I had been dropped off at home, so I kept saying, "How did I get here?!"

My mom was there. So were a lot of folks I knew. I walked around the van (one of the doors was flung wide open for no reason) and saw that it appeared a wheel was missing.

Some girls from track kept talking with me as I lay on the asphalt. They were giggling when I said things, but not in the nice way. They weren't mean or anything, it's just you could tell they were laughing at what I was saying because they knew something I didn't.

Suddenly, we were in my kitchen, me and Caroline. Everyone else was in my living room watching a movie and it was late at night, almost 2 AM. People kept coming in one at a time to hug me and ask me if I was okay or something... Like I was fucking dying. It was weird and I wasn't sure I liked it. One girl wouldn't hug me because of the vomit on my shirt, so she just gripped my arms.

I think someone kissed me.

And then Malcolm came in, hugged me tightly (I was very uncomfortable) and after that... approached my sister and hugged her and he wouldn't let go when she asked her to. I had to pry him off, and I ended up punching him in the face. Caroline got all angry, asking me why I would do that.

I said, "He was– he was being aggressive!"

"I was being aggressive?! How was I being aggressive?!" is what she said.

"No, not YOU, HIM."

"He wasn't being aggressive!"

I gave up, sort of said, "Oh," and let the subject drop even though when he was hugging her, she'd been screaming and kicking at him and he'd been growling that he would NOT let go.

I asked people what had happened.

"You just sort of passed out," they said. "You're sick." They kept telling me that, "You're sick. You're sick. You're sick."

I was a little nauseas so I kind-of-not-really believed them. I guess I didn't care.

Then suddenly I was on a tiny version of our school's indoor track. We were assigned a workout and everyone else took off running, disappearing very quickly. I jogged a couple laps and then asked Coach if I could keep doing that instead of the actual assigned workout.

"Really?" she asked all disappointed like. An eyebrow was arched and everything.

I got all nervous that she was freaking challenging me so I said, "...I was sick earlier. I threw up."

She snorted, "You didn't seem so sick when you were telling [blank] that [blank]." I can't remember what she said exactly. But apparently I'd been complimenting someone all drunkenly. Somehow, I knew she was referring to an event that had occurred a little before I'd passed out.

(SIDE NOTE: I'd had a whole other dream before passing out – passing out was like a bridge between the two. I wish I could remember the first one...)

"I don't remember that at all," I said.

"Really?" She didn't believe me, you could tell.

"I swear, I don't remember!"

I tried jogging but I couldn't control my body. It kept running into the wall. Which I was smart enough to acknowledge as strange, but I brushed it off. I mean, I had thrown up just hours earlier (somehow, I'd puked at sunset and had sat at the kitchen through the night and now it was day – and yet, no days had passed. Does that... make sense? Eh, dream logic).

So yeah I kept running into walls and going, "hmmmmm why can't i control my body?"

There was a feeling that something had happened and no one was doing anything about it. I felt like... yeah, a victim. Gross. I saw the shirt I'd puked in. It was covered in mud, too.

That dream felt so... long... and unpleasant. I was confused and lost and something had happened but eh. I woke up feeling all hot and nauseas, but I'm kind of okay now. I think I should go eat something though.


It had been raining when I fell asleep.

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