LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2016-04-01 22:36:12 (UTC)

You Try So Hard But You Don't Understand


"Ballad of a Thin Man" by Bob Dylan

You walk into the room with your pencil in your hand
You see somebody naked and you say, who is that man
You try so hard but you don't understand
Just what you will say when you get home
Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones

You raise up your head and you ask, is this where it is
And somebody points to you and says, it's his
And you say, what's mine and somebody else says, well, what is
And you say, oh my God, am I here all alone
But something is happening
And you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones

You hand in your ticket and you go watch the geek
Who immediately walks up to you when he hears you speak
And says, how does it feel to be such a freak
And you say, impossible as he hands you a bone
And something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones

You have many contacts among the lumberjacks
To get you facts when someone attacks your imagination
But nobody has any respect, anyway they already expect
You to all give a check
To tax-deductible charity organizations

Ah, you've been with the professors and they've all liked your looks
With great lawyers you have discussed lepers and crooks
You've been through all of F. Scott Fitzgerald's books
You're very well-read, it's well-known
But something is happening here
And you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones

The sword swallower, he walks up to you and then he kneels
He crosses himself and then he clicks his high heels
And without further notice, he asks you how it feels
And he says, here is your throat back, thanks for the loan
And you know something is happening but you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones

Now, you see this one-eyed midget shouting the word now
And you say, for what reason and he says, how
And you say, oh my God, what that means
And he screams back, you're a cow
Give me some milk or else go home
And you know something is happening
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones

Well, you walk into the room like a camel, and then you frown
You put your eyes in your pocket and your nose on the ground
There oughtta be a law against you comin' around
You should be made to be wear ear phones
'cause something is happening and you don't know what it is
Do you, Mr. Jones


April 1, 2016 Friday 10:38 PM


One thing I like about Mr. Sandwich is the way he gets so excited to tell his stories that sometimes I'll hear them quite a few times. Like today, he pulled a prank on the health teacher.

The health teacher had been caught speeding the day before so Sandwich walked up to his room during a class and said, "hey the cops downstairs were asking for you. The principal told me to watch your room while you were gone..." And then the health teacher bolted from the classroom.

Sandwich then gets all smiley here (although he is wearing a devious smirk the whole time because that's just how he tells stories) and says his [Sandwich] entire class was waiting outside in the hallway and watched as Mr. Sandwich said, "April Fools!"

This is where Sandwich laughs and we all laugh and then he says, "The health teacher goes... "You Fucker!!!!"" And then we all laugh some more because somehow all his stories are hilarious.

I like that he repeats these things because I like to remember them.

There's the one about how one time he shit his pants and threw his underwear out a window... and the time he had sex with his girlfriend in a tent and got caught by some kids... and how for senior prank he and his friends threw a bunch of tampons into the school pool... how his son (or daughter, idk) puked (or was it shit?) in his mouth as an infant and as a result Sandwich ended up puking.... how Sandwich grossed my sister out of eating a slice of pizza (although I refuse to believe my sister actually pushed away her pizza... our mother has taught us too well. she'd never waste food, especially not because someone told her it looked like a used pad, haah)

(he also said that about something I ate earlier this year)

Anyway, he's nice.

PS: Today's mini-April fool's was this. I walked up to him and handed him a 20 so he would order me some lunch (he gave me 10 as change)(he orders lunch on Fridays for any of us Lunch Crew-ers who bring in the moneyz) and he goes, "By the way, you look nice today Veronica."

I looked at him sideways. "...Thanks."

"April Fools!"

"I KNEW IT."

I had the pleasure of watching him repeat this stupid prank a couple times, haha.

I also found out he is pro-choice today. Although I don't exactly know his personal feelings on abortion. Anyway, it was nice to discover that.

PPS:

After saying "April fools" about the whole "you look nice today Veronica" thing he goes, real casual so I almost didn't notice, "just kidding you always look nice" which I know is something he meant For Realz. I like Sandwich Compliments.
---

Caroline said, "Sandwich told me he used to be 'a real jackass' when he was younger."

"A real jackass? What does THAT mean?" is what I said. I say that a lot. Not the first part, the second. The whole "what does that mean" part. Because sometimes it's hard to tell. Yeah. Okay...

"It means he was a jackass," she replied.

"Okay but hoooowwww"

"Like Ethan."

I laughed and then thought about this. I hope Ethan stops being A Jackass. I also hope I never, ever run into him. How weird would that be?...

---

I am not feelin' the human race today.

I do not hate people, but I still don't love them.

I am indifferent.

Turns out that, like, 141 (or 131??...) people have died in Chicago so far in the past four months. "Wow, that's crazy," is what I think and then I move on. Seriously, I think you'd have to shoot a guy right in front of me for my heart to even stutter a little.

I just feel very, very remote.

But it is not an unpleasant remoteness.

I am tired but I can still connect with other human beings...?? I just don't feel like I need anyone. Which is sort of sad. But also I don't care. I guess I just always found reliance to be sort of romantic in a way (in general, not just applying to romantic relationships...?????????).

But I am not very reliant on anyone for emotional support. Seriously. I think this is actually what keeps me separate from folks. If I were to confide in anyone, it would be Liv, but lately I've wanted my space. And besides, there is nothing to confide.

See!!! Even when I feel upset, I mostly keep it under wraps because there is not point in doing anything else if it'll eventually dissipate into nothing.. and if no one can help.

Yeah, well, whatever, my point is I enjoy people, enjoy watching them and experiencing them, but I don't think it'd be a huge loss to be alone.

And I think I'd be okay if I grew old by myself, too.

Even though I have a crush right now (on Birdy, surprise surprise... don't get me wrong he still frustrates me because he's so perfect... but yeah I have a crush on his physical beauty okay he's very pretty and thin and he fucking flies).... Jesus, where was I?

Even though I have a crush right now, it is something I realize will never become serious. And I think my ability to crush has actually diminished somehow... over time...

And while you might think I'm being silly, Google has told me otherwise! Jesus, that's a lame argument... Er. I did google search, "hey um is it possible to like, i dunno, never fall in love?"

I'd think it would be possible. I never considered the possibility before, though, mostly because life is supposed to go like this:

----

You are born and you cry and your parents are unsatisfied.

You are a child and your parents are unsatisfied and they inadvertently/inevitably damage you emotionally.

You are suffering through puberty and you hate everything and you wish everyone would stop laughing and telling you that they remember their puberty days, that this will all pass and none of it means a damn thing. Because how it it comforting, to know that your feelings are tiny and worthless and you're no longer the center of the universe? But they laugh anyway because they forgot what it was like to be told to control their anger and you refuse to "grow up" until suddenly you start laughing too.

You are in high school and dating and all that good, dramatic, pointless stuff. School, according to all the movies and the stories told by old folks, is not very hard so you've got plenty of time for sports and weekend parties and chats with friends. Everyone also likes to say that there is a very specific social hierarchy in all high schools, and that there is no overlapping whatsoever when it comes to these classes. Except for, in all the "good" stories, the main characters are outliers – they bridge the gap between losers and popular kids. This is supposed to be you. But most often it isn't.
This is THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE, if you're lucky.

You are in college and somehow drinking all the time whilst enduring a super vigorous... curriculum...? This is s'posed to be THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. You go through some hardships, living life like a semi-sitcom (right now I'm thinking of Scrubs), and you learn some lessons along the way, cementing relationships and blah blah blah, figuring out who you wanna be and what you wanna do. This is where life should just end. Right here, peacefully, with hope and sunshine.

But your life soon becomes a terrible, beige blur (this is according to all the books and movies).

You are now working an okay job with okay money and you meet an okay partner and totally marry the fuck out of them. You have a lot of sex and buy a house in the suburbs and drink beers with your buddies on Thursdays, or if you're a female you gossip over brunch or whatever it is people think women do. God damn, I'd just down a beer.
(You are unsatisfied)

You have children. You and your partner stop fucking like animals. Your relationship becomes a shell of what it once was, tied together by your children and the fact that once you loved each other. You raise those kids, passing on your endless "wisdom" and you probably do something stupid at least ONCE that scars yer kid for life.
(You are unsatisfied)(and, on some level, they know it)

You get a divorce. This is the part of your life where you drink more and you start hating work and you're fucking angry. Your partner gets remarried. Your kids are at that age where they don't need you at all, and you're just sort of left behind at that point... wondering what your life was even for. It seemed as if it were important, as if you were going to do great things, back in college or high school. But now all you've done is create one measly human life and made some meager money. You somehow thought you were above average, all these years, but now you know. Now you know you were wrong.
(You are unsatisfied)

You fucking die in a nursing home surrounded by pastel colors and dusty windows and small television sets that are constantly showing Wheel of Fortune or some bullshit. The nurses are always mildly irritated and you hate taking those pills and you yell for kids to get off your lawn even when no one's there.
But point is, you die, unceremoniously. You're not surrounded by loved ones and it is not so gentle. It's actually disgusting. You shit your pants. But whatever.
(And you say, "fucking finally" with your last breath, probably – perhaps wishing you had chain smoked as an adolescent because that definitely would've sped up the process)
(to top it all off, all that is left after your death is... nothing. You and your pointless life have come to an end. You're not even around to be disappointed in the lack of pearly gates.)

----

As I was saying. Yeah. That's how life is s'posed to go, right? All hope and happiness until you hit thirty. But the whole point is that there is a Soul Mate somewhere in there.

But nothing is actually promised. No person is assigned to another at birth (romantically, I mean. Bc I think parent's lives are given to you the moment you're born). You can say to me, "maybe you just haven't fallen in love YET," all you want, but let me say this. Is the above how you view life? Is it?

Probably not. Your idea of what life is is probably healthier than mine. And that is why I don't think I will fall in love. I have too much of that dirty stuff caked in the folds of my brain. I feel that I know what is likely and what is not. Although I can admit that my outlook is on the negative side and that, as a human being, I cannot guarantee its truthfulness.

So yeah. Who's to say what's true? That's not the point. The point is that I see things this way and that is what separates me from emotional connection at times.

Unfortunately, I am seventeen years old in twenty two days. That is pretty young. I don't know how to fix this bit of myself. Not even sure if it is something in need of fixing.

Gosh. I don't want to be 17.

---

We had a track meet on Wednesday, which is when my bad mood lifted. It was surprisingly fun and I wasn't as anxious as I used to get. I really haven't had a lot of anxiety this year. Not the physical kind I mean. I've had a little but mostly.. no.

(Like with that interview... it was absent... when it shouldn't have been.)

But, uh, yeah. I've been getting compliments on my 200 meter sprint since the meet!

We lost badly. It was still fun. (Birdy lapped, like, everyone on one of the long distance runs. Of course. God damn it. Fuck you, flighty creature.)

(Micah danced with me, though!!!!!!!! I am a great dancer (no im not))

agh! Anyway!!!!

I wasn't scoring for the 200 meter, but out of all of the people on my team doing the 200, I had the second fastest time so I should have been.

But I did win against the people I ran with. By a landslide, apparently (aka like 1 or 2 seconds). Winning was cool. I never win things. Ever. Even if it was a fake win, it was sort of nice and yeah people were really fucking nice about it!!!!

Like Adrian said I looked graceful. We both admitted I'm not a graceful person normally, but he said I looked really good running which is nice because I felt good. I fucking love sprinting. It feels very natural. I remember that being, like, my favorite part of soccer. The sprinting to the ball thing. I was never good at actually kicking the damn thing though haha.

!!! but liek!! Coach said I "shot off like a gun" (in reality, I began in last place and just sped up very quickly bc that is how i do what i do yo). And this other girl, today, commented on how fast I ran, saying that she could see the 200 m being my thing. Which is awesome. Skore.

Anyway it was nice. That made my day.

We did sprints today. Only six 100s, which was easy. The walking hurt my runner's knee though. God damn, I wish that'd go away.

---

Okay people. I have a field trip to go on tomorrow (Youth Summit) so I should go to sleep.



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