Dear No One
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2016-04-02 02:51:31 (UTC)

Dear Him

Dear Him

Really? Out of all the people you could have slept with, you chose her? My friend. Everyone keeps telling me " don't take it personal, he meant nothing by it. I'm sure she was just the first person to accept his offer ." I don't know how everyone expects me not to take this personally. You slept with my friend. You knew I'd see her everyday at work. That I'd find out eventually. Yet you still thought it would be a good idea.
You said you never wanted to hurt me, well guess what. It happened. You've done so much more than just hurt me. Yeah sure, my feelings are hurt now, I'll get over it eventually. You did so much more than just hurt my feelings.
Pride. Everyone knows that we were once something. We were never official but we were still something. You meant something to me. I cared about you and I thought you did too. Everyone knows about you and her now. It feels like everyone see's me as thing gullible pathetic girl. I didn't know what was going on behind my back. Why would I? Two people I trusted went behind my back with each other. I feel pathetic, why wouldn't everyone else see me like that too.

Self esteem. I'm a girl, chances are I'm going to have self-esteem issues. It's the norm. But you made me look at everything under a magnifying glass. She was clearly better than me. Prettier. Skinnier. Funnier. That's why you chose her over me. She doesn't have a weirdly pale complexion. She didn't wear glasses. She didn't have braces. She doesn't need makeup to cover the pimples on her forehead. She doesn't have an upturned nose that makes her look like a pig. Her hair is always perfect. She never spends hours trying on her clothes only to throw on a baggy hoody and sweats, sitting on the floor crying because nothing fits. She looks good in everything she wears. She's always the centre of the group, making everyone laugh. Everyone loves her, why shouldn't they. She's perfect. She must be to of ended up in a bed next to you.

Communication. I've never been one for relationships. I've had my fair share of heartbreaks, yet I wanted to be with you. I saw myself with you. You made me laugh, I felt good about myself when I was with you. Everyone knew I wanted to be with you. You said you wanted to be with me too. We were never ones to tell each other that though. The King and Queen of Miscommunication. That was us. It took me months to admit to myself, let alone to you, that I liked you. God did I ever like you. Yet you left. I wasn't upset, you were just off to university, you'd be back in a couple months and we'd pick up where we left off. That never happened. I never told you this, but that time I had a "boyfriend" I was protecting myself from a boy stalking me. You never asked, just assumed I had moved on. So naturally you did too. Yeah I was sad at the time that you had found someone so quickly, but as long as you were happy I guess. You'll never know this but when you two broke up, I did a happy dance. Maybe things could finally work out for us. Sadly, never happened. You thought I hated you. I felt awkward around you again. We didn't talk as much as we did before. Texts became quick and few. Minimal words. No meaning behind any of it. We shared our moments of quick banter, whether it was flirty or just how we were, who knows.
Her. I never imagine you two would be friends let alone anything else. She trashed talked you all the time. You made fun of her. Always courteous to each other but nothing more, that I could tell anyways. She used to ask me every day how I felt about you, she was probably the only person I would admit to that I liked you. Honestly, I don't know who to be more angry with.

I'm sorry I never told you out right how I felt about you, and that I never acted on my feelings. I was scared someone like you wouldn't like someone like me. You were this funny, smart, amazing guy and I was some dork girl with braces who loved dad jokes. It was hard to accept the fact that you even wanted to be my friend, let alone seeing anymore more in me. Maybe that's why I'm so hurt, is that you made me feel good about myself, I always looked my best when you were around, it wasn't even all for you, but now it feels like I was never worth it. That I was never worth anything to you and that hurts.

I've been asked if I would ever consider retrying what we had again. Truth is, I'm not sure. Yeah I still like you, this whole situation made me realize how much I actually like you, but it also made me realize how much you can hurt me without trying. Would you hurt me on purpose? Did you even care or was I just another girl to you. What would everyone think? Would they think I'm pathetic? Would they pity me? Would I pity myself?


PS. I still know you're a good person.

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