LustingforNightmares

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Ezoic
2016-03-28 20:06:20 (UTC)

Subject to Change


"Buckingham Rabbit" by Silver Jews

And so the rent became whiskey
And then my life became risky
And so the rent became whiskey, whiskey
Shattered dogs on the rocks, shattered dogs on the rocks

When you know how I feel I feel better
When you're fifteen you want to look poor
You do unto others and run like a mother
I don't want to look poor anymore
No, I don't want to look poor anymore

Jesus in a runaway shelter
Said "The deaf have pictures of you"
From the digital fountains to the analog mountains
Let the mirror express the room
Let the mirror express the room


March 28, 2016 Monday 8:07 PM


I guess today kind of sucked. Was it 'cause I'm on my period? No idea. Maybe that factors in, but there's a lot of external stress too and yeah. It's fucking me up.

Didn't finish my essay for APUSH. Have an essay due on Thursday, and yet another due on Friday. This coupled with the rest of my homework promises me a lovely, thoughtless week...

In the car on the way home from the YMCA today, I got a little upset about the same ol' same ol' (regarding school) and my mom said the same things she always says: a series of promises, "hey I'll keep ur stress in mind and cut you some slack" or "hey I'll do some of ur chores yo"

But then. I don't want her to make these kinds of promises. First, it makes me feel like a shitty daughter, knowing I spend so much fucking time on school and pretty much none on my family. Why am I doing this again? I honestly forgot. I think it had something to do with college. But this is ridiculous. There is something else driving me...

Anyway! The second reason I hate those promises is that she forgets them very quickly. Patience wears thin, y'know? It just makes me upset – a mirage in the form of a safety net. Hah! There's nothing there. I'm not mad at her because that'd be unfair (well, I am a little frustrated, but emotions are unfair okay).

So yeah. Everything is the same as it was and as it will be.

Me periodically having a heart attack and believing every breath to be the death of me – and then me getting better a couple weeks later and getting sort of embarrassed at my melodramatic-ness.

Parents making promises that they do not keep (they're trying their best, I know, and really that's all I can ask for since they're some of my favorite people ever – obviously, they could've done a lot worse).

Me, making promises I cannot keep.

Me, half-disgusted and half-curious at the thought of love. Seriously, I like seeing people love one another – I enjoy witnessing their closeness and shit. But the idea of having it myself sort of grosses me out.

(SIDE NOTE: I squeezed Liv's ass by accident!!! It was like 4 AM and I was half-asleep, and I remember that my arm hurt like a bitch for whatever reason. As a result, my hand wasn't feeling so hot either. So I started flexing it and for some fucking reason it was on her ass and just – that was so weird, so frigging weird.)

Because I know it's just as dirty as everything else and it's just much nicer to watch from the outside – where you don't see the filth. Don't see those long, uncomfortable moments. Yeah, okay.

ME, MAKING PROMISES I CANNOT KEEP.

DID I MENTION THE THING ABOUT ME MAKING PROMISES I CANNOT KEEP?!??!?!?!!?

Yeah.

Hello, my name is Veronica, my personality is subject to change.

Isaac thought I looked frazzled. This wasn't pleasant to hear. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't hurt or anything, I just don't like the idea of APPEARING stressed out.

Although I did have an urge to cry at least three times today so perhaps I am stressed. Or it could just be hormones.

Well, fuck. Art was nice. But then Liv was complaining about how stressed she was and I'm sure she is but I just wanted her to not talk about it because then I got to thinking about how much I have to do.

And! And! I know I shouldn't have been doing this, but I kept comparing our situations: I'm taking the freaking SATs in like a month, the day after I take an AP exam. What does she have? Finals, but hell so do I.

Maybe she's got an essay, but it's due like next week – I have three essays, one due last week and two this fucking week!!!!!!!

I'm pissed! Tenth grade is not that hard! But that's another unfair-fucking-thing to say. First of all, a senior could just as easily say the same thing to me.

Plus, I had a damn hard time in tenth grade. But that's because I was still terribly emotional or something. Not that I'm a ton better now or anything. But last year, I missed school a lot and now I think I've only missed one or two days this quarter (which ends in a week).

School was so easy last year. Then again, I didn't really apply myself so my biology skills are weak as fuck (which sucks since I actually really like biology – my teacher just always put me to sleep. He was fucking dull).

Still, I've managed an A average all my high school years. But I never took hard classes or involved myself in after school activities.

Liv's involved in a lot. I think. And she gets up at like 5 AM to take the bus to school. So I shouldn't be harsh. She's stressed out too and it has nothing to do with me.

Here's more complaints from me, though:

Oh wait. This isn't a complaint. Adrian let me eat some of his bell pepper slices today. They were good. And Isaac was nice, but he was sad. He told me I looked "shiny" though. Was my face oily or something? No idea.

I had this horrible anxiety all day, though. Really horrible. Pootray even asked me what was stressing me and I just shook my head, "Don't even get me started" (what a mom-ish thing to say). And a second later I had to pinch the bridge of my nose to remind myself not to cry because why was I even crying? Because I have homework? Boo-hoo.

Second time I almost cried was the period after that, in Sandwich's room. That period just sucked in general.

John was just being his normal, asshole-ish self. Asking me why I hadn't read the second chapter of his story yet. I wasn't in the mood for being lovely, so I basically just said I'd get to it next weekend, that I hadn't had time this weekend. So he asked me why I wouldn't have time this week.

I told him I have a lot of after school activities. That tonight I wouldn't even get home til like nine (that's an exaggeration though – sometimes I get home at nine, but most Mondays I'm home at around 8). And a lot of reading.

Then he said something about me doing all this stuff because my sister is prettier and smarter than me. AKA I'm overcompensating.

All I said was, "No." Not angry or anything. He just doesn't know Caroline. She may be prettier and smarter than me, but I am better at school even without all the extra stuff I do, as long as I apply myself. Besides, my goal is not to be better than her. My goal is based off something a lot worse. I can't really say what it is yet (I haven't figured it out) but I know it's not 100% rational. Whatever.

Being better (loose use of the word) than Caroline would be awful, actually. It seems right that she be ahead of me in everything. So I can continue looking up to her and hoping one day I'm as awesome as she is.

But like! When John said that, and I said no, people just stared at him awkwardly and Alexis said, "That's not funny." And I was ???? sort of upset by all the commotion. It's nice they defend me. I didn't like the attention, though. I didn't like the fact that I was being so uptight today. But I was.

I appreciate Alexis a lot though. She managed to make me laugh and stuff today, which was nice. Also Lily and Laney. I always love them. They are my safety, in a way. They are the comfortable, easy part of my life. I should try harder with them, though. I just mean relationship-wise.

Okay.

Precalc was boring. I love math, and I love that my teacher goes slow, but it's tooooo slooooowww. He'll go over like four of the same problems and just!!! After the first one, I can figure out the rest so I usually go ahead during class. I could've taken this class over the summer and instead had calculus. But that sounds lame. I've never been particularly great at math, so it's better that I'm in precalc like the rest of the kids in my grade.

English: boring. We were watching the new Great Gatsby movie and I don't like it. It's too fast-paced, and too dramatic at times. I get that they were trying to create a dreamy atmosphere, but wasn't the whole point that this whole "dream" was broken??? That all those riches covered up a terrible, harsh reality????????????

And what's with the freaking JZ???? Also, I like that one Lana Del Rey song, but it's wayyyyy to heavy for the film... I just don't like drama alright.

Almost died again in study hall. To calm myself, I tried practicing breathing and reciting pi in my head. I think I got up to 6095505 before I the final bell rang and I made my way down to the locker room. Also, I have runner's knee.

We have a meet on Wednesday. I'm doing the 100 and 200. I hate 200s so freaking much. I hate meets. They make me so nervous. Practice was nice, though. We just ran a mile, jogging the curved parts of the track and striding the straights. Easy.

This kid said hi to me. He's in my chem class. I waved back but I don't really know him all that well. I've spoken to him briefly maybe once. I think he's pretty, but hearing the way he has spoken about other people makes me wary of the guy.

Track was the only awesome part of my day, though. It gave me a beautiful runner's high and ahhhhh. I just felt nice. Then came Achiever's.... Which was good. But now I don't care.

Oh yeah. I've been alternating today between periods of "I am going to die" and "why am I doing any of this again?" The latter of which being calm, exhausted musings.

The past few weeks have been a huge blur, and yet they've gone so slow.

I wrote so much about so little.

I don't care about anyone right now, except for maybe my immediate family. Just them though. Everyone else could be shot in the face right now and I'd probably blink and turn away. Scratch that, I'd walk up to their remains and prod at them all curiously since I love that sort of stuff.

(Liv and I saw a dead bird this weekend. Its eye was gone. I wanted to poke it.)

Not that I want anyone to die, and not that I'd always be okay with the fact (I think).

I'm just feeling pretty independent, as always lately. I hope whatever future career I have will involve lengths of time spent on my own. I sure do appreciate my company more than anyone else's most of the time. Is that self-centered?

I bet it is. It'd make sense.



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