March 24, 2016 Thursday 11:43 PM
Isaac was just like, "Ya know ur a pretty good friend" and that??? was so nice??? And unexpected??? Huh. Just as I was starting to think the friendship was sort of a one-way thing, too. He also called me V-ron, which was super weird sounding but also nice because I like nicknames so I was pleased.
But the reason I'm mentioning this was it got me to thinking about my friends and about how a lot of the time, I end up considering them in a romantic light even when there is no attraction there at all. There are only a couple people that I can say I've never thought of in remotely romantic ways... Alexis, Laney... Probably other people...???
Is it unhealthy to think that way? I don't like it (even though mostly, it remains ignored). I feel like it puts a rift between me and whatever person I'm considering (and creates the possibility of me trying something when I'm not in my right mind). I like the idea of being loved. But I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of loving and being loved??? AKA relationships.
It's weird, is all.
Somehow I got to thinking about Adrian from all that, and I was thinking about how he's a nice friend to have. Whenever he sits next to me, he sits close enough to our knees touch and legs knock together. And he's always touching me in a friendly way – grabbing my arm or my hair, and this one (lovely) time I was really tired and put my head down on the desk and both he and Liv stroked my back. Liv did lines on my spine, he did little circles. I was a piece of moss.
Point is, the physical affection is nice. I bit him today. I can't remember why, I think he was about to hit me with a rubber band. I warned him, I told him, "I will bite you, y'know." The boy brought it upon himself, haha.
I should tell Alexis she's my bro.
Track. Has been. Okay. It has also been shit. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'm able to do some of the things I'm able to do. Like it's not even about the quality of my running, I am in sheer awe of how much I can actually run and I dislike the fact that I have discovered this sort of stuff. I wish running were easier, god damn it.
I think we're... two weeks in to practice, now? Yesterday, we ran 500's – no, we did not jog, we had to run. The last one I most definitely jogged. I couldn't fucking breathe okay, haha. We got to walk 300 meters after each lap but nOT ENOUGH OH DEAR GOD.
But it was sort of fun anyways. Sometimes, it's not terrible.
Today, we did a two mile ladder. That sucked. It was super easy (the line was long so I mostly jogged, probably only had to "sprint" about 8 times) but it still hurt my knee (turns out, in the past couple days I've developed runners knee) and that area of muscle right between the top of your foot and the bottom half of your lower leg??? Not shin splints. I don't know what to call it. It just really hurt. If that pain had vanished, I would've been fine.
ONE OF THE COACHES HUGGED ME, THOUGH. I THANKED HER FOR HER WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT AND SHE HUGGED ME AW. I love our new coaches.
March 25, 2016 Friday 6:21 PM
Track was meh. We sprinted eight 200's. Mine were all in the 30's.
I told Liv about how sometimes I don't feel things.
She said, "What if I got cancer, would you be sad?"
And I said, "Don't take this the wrong way but probably not."
Her mouth dropped open in that way that's half-teasing shock and half actual offense, only the latter is something one must hide because I said Don't Take This The Wrong Way and everyone knows what this means.
I went on to say, "Well, I probably wouldn't believe it was happening."
After that, I told her about how my mom had cancer and how the only times I showed any concern were acts, maybe because I didn't know what was going on – but I think also because it didn't feel real, and lots of things feel unreal to me. I care about very little, and I care about very much and I haven't figured this out.
But yeah, I finished saying all this with a sentence like, "I'm not sure if that's normal but..." *shrug*
And Liv laughed, went, "No big deal, I'm just broken!" mimicking my shrug and "what a strange way to put it!" was my replying thought.
She says many things about me that I don't really understand.