Jake 🇺🇸

Killing Lions
2016-03-26 20:09:22 (UTC)

**Popular Loner

A feeling of jealousy, nothingness and perhaps a little despair motivated me to write today. See, I only write when I have feelings. There's no rational reason why I do this. Writing a journal is meaningless in an abstract sense. Without feelings there would never be anything to motivate me. Life would be without meaning.

I managed to get into my top research group pick. Woohoo!! I feel relieved. I feel a bit afraid, jumping into a completely new research group. Today I sat with them in their office, trying to fit in. Trying to make friends with them. It's HARD to just come up with things to say unless you make an explicit "date". On a date you're both meeting with a purpose of getting to know each other. Meeting and talking to people randomly you don't have that intention. Meeting someone at a party is easier since part of the point is to "get to know people" and to "talk with people". Just awkwardly going to the lab and sitting there trying to think of something to say is tough with there's nothing to do. Small talk only leads you a short distance. Without intention -- socialization is impossible.

But right now I don't feel sad. I don't feel joyful. But I want something. I cannot quantify what it is. I think it might be to feel loved. I'm just yearning for a deeper relationship with my friends. I feel like they're shallow. We all feel the same thing, we all want to be friends. We all agree (mostly) with each other. So, we do go out, we do go places, have "fun", but that's different than actually loving someone. Loving them. Supporting them. That's what I want right now. I want someone to truly love me and tell me that they love me.

Despite all the success of this week, I still feel disappointment. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel as if I'm letting other's down. I'm dragging them around and wasting their time. I went to this play to support a friend. I brought my friend along with me. The play was "meh" and it was really long. I felt bad afterward since I didn't think he enjoyed it. I felt as if it was my fault since I brought him out. This may be all an illusion. He may have actually enjoyed it, after all, he willingly went. But just wished I had validation. I wish he would have told me "Thanks for taking me out" or "it was fun to do this, even though the play was meh".

There's a song that I've been continuously replaying. It's called "Illusion" by VNV Nation. It's a bit sporadic and poetic; i like it though. The opening lines discuss the struggle of a friend (female?) who is searching for meaning. Every door is a disappointment. But the singer wants her to dream. The singer doesn't want her to change. The singer explains that this feeling is a truth about this world. This feeling is meaningless.

Then the song talks about the feeling of validation. Wanting to be like someone else. Someone who has their life figured out. Someone who is happy and looked up upon (we all know someone like this). Feeling that you don't truly belong to any group. It's hard to describe. You're alone, yet you have friends all around you.

well, my brother just called. g2g




Ad: