When You Are Your Worse Enemy
I had another freaking dream last night. It kicked my ass mentally. It was actually a very nice dream. It's just when you dream, you think it's the way life is and you don't realize it's just all pretend.
I don't remember it all but I do recall that I was with a woman. We were playing around at some parking lot I think. I was piggy-backing her up the stairs. Funny in dreams, you physical ailments don't follow you.
Like I said, I was piggybacking my girlfriend. Walking up the the next floor of the parking lot. Before I set her down, I said something to the nature of "It's so nice to have you with me. It's been so long that I wasn't with someone that I trust with my soul. Thank you for lifting the burden I was carrying and I feel so much better that it's finally off my back. It's as if a heavy weight was lifted off of my back. " This while I was carrying her. It was all spontaneous and I couldn't have scripted it any better if I had all day to write it out.
My mental status was that of a rag doll. Even though it was in my dream, the scars of what reality did to me was still embedded in my dreams. So to find someone that lifted me up like that was like being from hell, going back up to earth, then being lifted to heaven. I don't know how else to describe it. It's not like falling in love for the first time. It's bigger because of where you are. Been screwed over so bad that I just wanted to find peace and quiet by myself till I died.
Anyway, that dream was fantastic! It showed me that those feelings albeit hidden away from my conscious mind, was still in my heart and still deep in my subconscious spirit.
No much happened in the dream. It was just the moment captured. Something like a picture. That's when the bad happened.
I woke up! It took 1/2 a second after I woke up to realize that where I was mentally was just a dream. I was back into my conciouse mind. Reality set in. I was alone. My conscious mind came back into play. My wall that I've built up over the years was erected in my in a second to preserve my mentality. All this in a flash.
My heart went from being finally in real peace without any walls. Feelings that I had thought were real were my own lies. I went from being on a spiritual cloud back to the hell I've been dealt with. Or should I say the hell that I dealt myself. It was just too much for me this morning. I cried. I cried because I let myself to believe I was somewhere else and the reality of where I was just saddened me so much. It was as if I fell again. I had to experience the freaking pain again. I brought me back to feeling useless and wishing I was dead. After all the work I've had to fight for to make it day-to-day in this world, I fucked myself over just in one night by one stupid dream.
I didn't cry in awhile. I'm more of a man than most because I know a lot of people couldn't have gone through what I did and still somewhat stand on their own. It was just too much for me today. Today was a bad day. I know I'm still in for a battle in life till I die. I understand. Nothing else I can do or say except to man up, dust myself off and keep walking.
That's all I can muster for now diary. Till next time.
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