theolor

MyDarknessLives
2016-03-22 16:52:24 (UTC)

No Jinxing myself

March 22nd, 5:50 PM

I decided today that I wanted to write in my dairies as it has almost been 10 days and thats too much without an entry so here we go. I have been feeling good the past few days and it has been nice out though I have not gotten out to take pictures yet. I got up real early this morning and camped out gamestop 2 hours early so I could pre order a Playstation VR headset, my best friend who works there loaned me $100 because I get paid on Friday so I will pay him back then and this is how it's going to work, the headset comes out in October and that is 7 months or so and I get paid $845 a month, 500 goes to my mother for bills and what not and I get $345 and that works out perfectly because the 45 goes on a phone card and I take 100 out for the VR each month till payed off and 100 to get a Playstation 4 and I will have both paid off before October. I feel so bad for selling mine in the first place, I can get so impulsive at times and it always ends up hurting me. I went to the store today to get some groceries with what little money we have and I saw a homeless guy sitting outside Walmart so I went in and got what I needed -Ramen noodles in cup and package (cup for mother and package for me), bread, half gallon of milk, lucky charms for mother, hamburger, and a 2 ltr thing of coke, and I remembered the homeless guy outside so I bought a small pre-made sandwich and a small coke and I was going to give it to the guy but by the time I got outside he had disappeared and I looked for him but he just vanished.

Mom has been really sick last night and today and it's bringing out my depression. When she dies I don't know how I am going to react or how I will manage after she is gone, a little part of me doesn't want to live right now anyway. I seen my doctor yesterday and got on a new anxiety medication it is similar to the other one but faster acting. After I got home today I went back to bed and stayed there till after 2, mother also stayed in bed till after 2 around 3 or so and now she is back in bed and could hardly eat. Going back to the doctor, he is an asshole and I don't like him he complains that I am there complaining too much about my anxiety and fears. Stupid cur. There is this song I have been listening to that kind of makes my heart sad but it is such a good song and I love it. In general I don't fear dying I just worry about where I would end up after I died, Heaven, Hell, not existing at all, reincarnation. I been to the gym a few times last week and had some fun with the punching bag and lifting some weights for a little while. I kind of want to go back tonight but with mother being sick I don't think I will. Anyway here is that song I was talking about

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKrr5ATtTaw

update: I talked about a couple of nights ago I stayed up and was messing around looking at different disorders and I realized that honestly I have 2 personalities, one that is kind, caring, remorseful etc. and the other one which I like a lot more doesn't care, doesn't feel, manipulative etc. I like that side of me more. My doctor just said that's who I am.




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