✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-03-18 18:30:40 (UTC)

Shower Talk


Dear Reader,

I’m worried.
As per usual.

Sometimes, I talk aloud while I’m the shower.
Yeah, I know...sooooooooooooo crazy.
Throw me in the crazy bin.
I just do it. Sue Me.

Sometimes I just tell stories that I have in my head.
Sometimes I just talk as if I’m talking to someone else...


This morning I just felt like I needed to talk about love...

This has been on my mind forever, and I’ve never addressed it until now.

I want so badly to be loved,
But I’ve always wondered if I actually know what love is, or if I am capable of loving.

When I was with J,
It was the closest thing I could ever describe as love at the time.

Now that I’m with Josh...
I tell him that I love him, and I certainly feel something when I say it.

I’ve always held back, though.

It’s not even just relationship love,
I have struggled with identifying love in family members, and pets...
I can love things...
But I just wonder if it’s because of the way my family is...
Or if it’s just me?

What if I can’t feel passionate, unquestionable, intense love..
What if I’m not capable of it?
What if I’ll never know what it feels like....


And why don’t I feel it now?

I’d like to say it’s because I’m afraid too..
I’d like to say it’s because I’m just too selfish...

The way it’s described in movies, books..
In people I know...

Doesn’t align with what I feel.


Whenever I was dumped by Alex...
It hurt because I definitely cared..
But I’m over that part...
The reason why the bitterness is still here,
Is because of an unhealthy desire to be right.

It scares me a lot...
Because I want to feel it...


Sometimes I wonder if I’d even care if some of the people walked out of my life...
Sometimes I wonder if I’d care for the right reasons...

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just crazy.


Facing this... is really fucking with me.
I never really wanted to admit this.. I just thought if I ignored it, it would go away.

As a kid,
I shut of my emotions...
I refused to feel anything.
It was a defense mechanism.

When I was 15, my feelings bubbled over,
And I couldn’t handle it.

I’m 19 now, and I’m still learning how to feel things...
I’m much better than I was..
But I wonder if my ability of love is just.. Dormant.
I wonder if I’m holding it back because of that lingering need to bottle everything in,
Because of fear of being hurt.
I wonder if it’s still behind a defense mechanism.


Before my laptop croaked,
I told Josh on skype that when something hurts me,
My immediate response is to start severing it, or disconnecting.

Which, when you’re in a relationship,
The person you’re with will hurt you eventually...
Mostly by accident...

Refusing to feel things for the majority of my life,
Results in me being extremely sensitive.

While I was with J...
We were able to talk a lot at first,
But he gradually started to have a lot less time for me.

One thing that really bothered me, was when we skyped.
I’d finally get to see him, and talk to him after so long..
And he’d do a million other things at the same time...
I could see the lighting change because he was doing other things on other tabs..
I could see it in the reflection of his glasses, that I was usually minimized.


He’d claim to miss me..
And yet, when we finally got to talk...
He’d do other things.

Skyping to me is the equivalent of hanging out with someone.

So, I’d be sitting there, I couldn’t do anything else because skype would literally stroke out of I opened something else.
I couldn’t talk with my voice because he’d usually be watching videos, and wouldn’t be able to understand me.
So, I’d have to wait for him to pause, pull skype back up,
And respond to my message for a second, and then pull up the video or whatever and continue doing that.


He barely talked to me with his voice.

The only time I had his full attention,
Was when we had sex.
And after we were finished, was usually when he’d get off.
He always wanted to cam sex...
And sometimes, I just wanted to sext instead...
He stopped sexting with me, and only ever wanted to skype...

He just never.. Was very affectionate towards me...
No random kisses... very occasionally he’d compliment me...

Whenever we talked via facebook chat,
He was usually vague, or distant.
If he hadn’t responded in awhile, I would try to get his attention like: “J?”,
And he’d always come back saying
“Yeah?”
Like.. oh, I’m sorry, did you forget how a conversation works?

It was like being shot in the chest whenever he was FINALLY online,
And I’d message him.. And he’d reply bluntly:
“Don’t want to talk.”

He never did anything I asked him too..
Instead of telling me no,
He’d make empty promises.


I took a picture of my hand making half a heart,
And I asked him if he’d do the same with his other hand,
So that I could put them together.
He said he would.
Never did.

The picture of my hand making half of heart,
Is the story of our relationship really...
Sums it up.


I started a diary so we could write together,
And the only time he’d write was when I was angry at him.
He wrote a few times without prompt, though.

I tried to deal with it..
I tried to be understanding...
I talked to him about it all the time...

I told him constantly that it was getting to me..
He said he’d change, he promised he’d make more time...
I left, I cried, I came back, left again...
Until finally, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

The rope that bound us together was hanging by a single thread.

And I had to cut the thread.

So much of my time....
We planned a future together,
I thought I was going to marry him someday.
By the end of it,
I wasn’t even holding on because of love anymore...
I was clinging because I was too stubborn to let go.


And some of that leftover anger, and hurt...
Has made me so sensitive to when Josh disappears.


I noticed that I was started to disconnect because of it..
And I know it’s not fair to punish someone for something someone else did..
And I’m trying really hard to be lenient, and patient.
Because Josh is not J.

It’s just even worse now that I can’t use my laptop.

He’s planning on getting a job soon,
And I am too..
And that means even less time.
And I’m worried it’s going to impact me badly...


And I’m worried that I’ll just throw up defenses,
And withdraw...

I’m scared that if I open up, and love him without holding back...
I’ll lose him... or he’ll hurt me...

Is it better to have love then lost, then never to have loved at all?


Sincerely,
BabyDon'tHurtMeNoMore




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