inbetween

inbetween
2016-03-14 23:11:47 (UTC)

managing stress

Art and drawing is the source of my joy and my pain. I know these are qualities I have assigned them. Why does it have to make me so sad? It doesn't.

"[...]you get older one year at a time [...] it's not like that. It happens overnight."

I had something of an emotional breakdown the other day. Although I've been good at managing my emotions (at least somewhat), there just wasn't any real desire or energy to lift myself up from it. Maybe they just had to be felt. I know it was a result of too much stress... But I don't understand why I let this stress run rampant with me. Why can't I rein it in and channel it into productive work? All the expectations... It's like this. I don't understand that I have become too invested in something before it is too late to pull away and regain healthy perspective.

I wonder if I am doomed to stay lost. I am in all actuality lost. Keep narrating myself and telling stories about my self, to myself and to the world. But I wonder, if I pursue what I am currently doing, relentlessly and full of curiosity - will it start to feel right? Or is this "right" and illusion that I should let go of?

Everything is planned out to the last minute. I suddenly realized that there's not a lot of time until the assignments have to be delivered, so I'm going to have to be very strict to be able to pull this off. I thought that if I plan thoroughly and stick to it, it would force me to be effective and make decisions without procrastinating. My mistake is always that I get lost in thoughts of my and others' expectations.

In an effort to reduce my stress and develop my ability to focus, I have started to meditate. For now, it is only for 10 minutes each time, but when I get more familiar with it maybe I can expand. I'm not sure if I really am "meditating" the right way. It's hard not to think, but once in a while I will come into a state of.. it's hard to describe. It feels like an ocean, or waves.




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