Aeryn Sun

Uncharted Territories
2016-03-12 18:27:08 (UTC)

Inner Voice

My inner voice is whispering, and it's been at it since date #3 w/ Dreamy Eyes. Today cool grandma told me that I should listen to this inner voice, but I don't know how; I don't know how to let go b/c it means I'll be back to square one. I'm torn; I promised myself no place holders b/c they could potentially be keeping me from being w/ or finding Mr. Right. Yet, it gets lonely being alone and I like being w/ him, on the few times I do get to spend time w/ him.

Here's what my inner voice is saying:
- kids: he had a vasectomy, which eliminates the possibility of me having kids w/ him. I'm not sure if I want kids, but I want the possibility. He's taken that away.
- time/priorities: he works so much and I already have to share his free time w/ his kids and his alone time. Will he have time for me? Will I become a priority that he'll want to make time for me? I broke up w/ Burma b/c I wasn't a priority for him; will Dreamy Eyes make me a priority?

These 2 factors have been nagging me and are now apparent enough since other people immediately advise against them. Part of me feels like I'm settling, but the other side says that I shouldn't throw in the towel so soon b/c I could be missing out on something great. No relationship is perfect from the get go. At my age, I'm finding that guys my age or slightly older have already been married and/or have kids. Can I find a guy who wants a serious relationship that doesn't come w/ the baggage of divorce and/or kids?

I'm going to stick it out, see where this goes, but try my hardest not to get too invested. I don't think I'll succeed @ the latter though. Last night I realized that I couldn't see the end. When I tried, everything was a blur. A couple wks ago I did see him ending things b/c he wasn't sure he wanted to pursue a relationship, but it didn't feel like a finale, more like a break. At this point, I honestly don't know what he's looking for/wants from me. He seems to be interested, but is it just casual or more? I also don't want to rush things so I'm holding off on having the talk, choosing instead to show how I feel (technique mentioned in AoS). I'm hoping me not being able to see the end is a good thing, for now at least.




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