LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2016-03-05 13:49:50 (UTC)

Careless Characters


"Rogue Island" by Clair Morgan

Blood in, blood out
We get what we bargain for
There's a pitch black night
We turn and we go
We are unsolved
careless characters


[This song is really, really, really fucking good, but I can only find it on SoundCloud, nowhere else.]

March 5, 2016 Saturday 12:59 PM


What's nice is that yesterday was a really good day. I tried especially hard to be appreciative of things. I guess I should probably do that everyday, but I mean. Yesterday was yesterday. It had sad numbers.

Well, here:

1. I was happy because I think I did okay on an essay we had to do in A.P. US History. I had to stay there from the moment the bell rang for first period to halfway through second because I didn't finish before the end of class but whatever. My second period is Spanish, so. Besides, when I finally went up to class in the last ten minutes (after APUSH, I went to the nurse to hand in some papers), I managed to finish the quiz we had in like two minutes.

But anyway, I think I did well on my APUSH essay. I remember a lot, actually, maybe because I studied haha. I hope I get a good grade. I don't think my thesis statement was all that impressive (and my rushed writing was probably shitty), but I managed to work in some synthesis and a lot of outside information.

Washington came up to me when I was nearing the end of my essay and said, "Last year I had two fives on the exam essays but it's been a long time since I've had a female get a five," and then he looked at me all pointedly which means he thinks I have a chance. Washington for some reason thinks I'm brilliant and he's all pro-women. Both of those facts are nice.

I was flattered, but last year, my history teacher said something similar. She was all, "I only get a few 100's a year. I think you'll be one of those." But I got a 99 which fuckin' sucks but whateva. So yeah. The pressure's on. Fuck me.

When I was done with the essay, Washington was talking with a former student about siblings and then was all, "Speaking of different siblings, Veronica here is nothing like her sister," which I argued against because me and my sister are pretty similar.

But I guess I come off different. He says I seem less neurotic. This is probably thanks to Caroline, actually, since occasionally I freak out and cry over school and she tells me it doesn't matter, says the important thing is that I actually learn.

I was surprised anyway. Washington has before said I am more open than Caroline was at my age. I think all of this is partially due to her, really. And the people I've met throughout my life. Yeah. That too. Alexis, who was still in the room finishing up her essay, agreed with Washington saying I was all...

Well, she made a weird flow-y hand movement and then sort of squinted her eyes up at the ceiling (I think looking for a better description than the one she ended up giving) before settling on saying that I "go with the flow." What. Neva heard that phrase used in reference to me before.

We talked a bit about Ethan too. I told Washington that I'm pretty sure he alienated Caroline. Washington wasn't surprised (even suggested he might end up living all alone in a house full of cats). He wasn't a fan of Ethan, I don't think. This makes me sad. I love Ethan.

K, well. That happened. I left class all happy and excited. I actually enjoyed doing that essay. I said that to one of my classmates who stopped me in the hall: "Yeah, I think I actually enjoyed that essay. Is that bad?"

She was just like, "Oh my god Veronica." Which I think means, WHAT THE FUCK HOW.?!

---

2. Chem was really fun. Not yesterday, but the day before. We did a weird lab thing with solutions and I actually understood things which is nice. It's really nice.

But yeah, yesterday was good too. After class, I approached my teacher. Since I'm nervous about the interview, Pat told me I should practice on a teacher that I am not totally comfortable with, so I decided to go with this guy since he's always so nice and funny and he's familiar with science which might help, might not, depending on what type of questions they ask.

Anyway, I asked him to help me prepare for the interview and he was so nice about it, reassured me and everything! Ah! It did kind of make me nervous when he asked if the interview would be done in front of a panel. Because, um. That scares me.

But yeah I left class feeling nice.

---

3. Art was also nice, but Isaac was sort of down for some reason. You know what? I saw him blush!

He made a joke about fucking someone in the ass or something and since I was caught off guard I was all, "oh my god," and when I looked up his face had gotten sort of red. He said, "that was a joke," and I might've said, "I know." Or not. I can't remember.

I don't know if it was my reaction or his words that made him blush, haha, but either way it was funny.

I didn't see Liv a lot, though. Which is weird. She was there. We just didn't talk a whole lot, or even have physical contacT??? Okay.

---

4. Afterschool was kool. I stayed to help paint some signs and shit for the play. Adrian and Mike stayed too, along with a couple other people but I mostly talked to Adrian so. He introduced me to today's song which I am in love with.

Painting ended at half past four but my mom was stuck working at an appointment so I ended up having to hang out in the front hallway until almost half past five. It was fun, though, because Adrian and Mike didn't leave until sometime after I did so I had company.

So we just sort of listened to music (AT SOME POINT THIS LADY WAS WALKING DOWN THE HALL AND SHE STARTED SINGING ALONG TO A SONG ADRIAN WAS PLAYING – I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY. I JUST KEPT SMILING AT HER AND THEN SHE SANG US A GOOD DAY AND I SAID, "YOU TOO!" AS I WAS LEAVING, I SAW HER WAITING FOR THE BUS AND WE SMILED AT EACH OTHER).

We played tic-tac-toe as well. I beat Adrian. I then beat Mike twice, and we tied another time. I might've beat him a fourth time, but I know for sure I beat Adrian a second time. I've got fancy tic-tac-toe tricks up mah sleeve.

Still not as impressive as Mike's skill with his rubix cube. Jesus, in these past couple weeks, I've seen so many people holding those things. I saw a snapchat story of Birdy finishing one in like five seconds.

So Mike was doing that. I was impressed, because I can only get one face done before I give up haha. I'm too reluctant to mess it up when there's a 90% chance I won't get it back, due to my lack of skill (due to my lack of practice, due to my lack of skill, lack of practice, lack of skill, and so on).

I liked just hanging out casually with the two of them. In general, I enjoy hanging out with Adrian and his friends. Guys and girls are not that different, but this still didn't feel the same as hanging around with girls. I can't place what it is, though. I mean, we're all stupid so... Is it that we're stupid in different ways? I dunno. I threw my notebook at Adrian and Mike blocked it and it hit me in the face. Cue the four minutes of laughter that, to an outsider, would seem kind of dumb. I do that kind of stuff with girl friends too?????

Lately, I've just really been looking for that difference between those two particular genders. I even asked Sandwich what the difference is between raising a girl and a boy. He didn't really answer my question, then said something about how his daughter got "knockers when she was like eight" and then gasped and giggled because a father isn't supposed to refer to his daughter's knockers. That was funny as shit.

Jeff sort of answered my question, though. He said that girls were more complicated, but he's a guy so maybe that's why. I don't see what's so complicated about girls at all. They're so straightforward. I know sometimes what we say and do doesn't make sense, but talking to them will make it absolutely clear.

(Quick unrelated note: I walked to my next class with Jeff – his girlfriend wasn't there today for some reason – and we made really awkward conversation, haha, but I was glad there was any conversation at all. I've always liked Jeff and the way he speaks so slow)

Guys are the ones that seem unnecessarily complicated to me. With the way they suck up the pain because it's not manly to let it seep through. Or how they try so hard to appear casual all the time???? I don't know, from where I stand, it seems like boys are so careful. Maybe they're reckless in parts of their lives, but with emotions and conversation... It's... weird and I don't yet understand it.

Oh my god this sweater smells amazing. Fresh laundry.

Ah, whatever. None of this is the point.

I went on that rant for a reason though. I think. Yeah... right? Okay.

Sitting around with Adrian and Mike just feels different from sitting around with girls. It felt that way when I hung out with Adrian & Friends™ around Halloween. Maybe it's the mere fact that they are dudes. Maybe it's that they're direct in a different way... Perhaps both.

My theory: boys are all tangled up in a spot that girls have no trouble with and boys have no trouble with a spot that girls are all tangled up in.

K Well.

I want to hang out with them more. I saw a different side of Adrian. He relaxed, I guess. He's normally so nice, and then he'll say something sort of mean in a deadpan voice which took me a bit to get used to (his way of joking). But it's different with Mike, who I'm pretty sure is his best friend. He'll, like, kick him and say "Fuck you, dude," and normal stuff like that. I like this. This is my favorite part of friendships, actually.

I want to lovingly beat the shit out of people.

Well, not really, but also kind of. I never got to wrestle with people as a kid except for, like, twice. Maybe a couple times with Lily. I just want to beat people up until they call time because someone hit a little too hard or they're hungry or something.

Dunno why I have that urge. Dunno why that sort of love seems so genuine to me. Not that hugging and kissing isn't real. But at some point the idea gets boring.

Well, okay. I'm going to go practice piano and then take a shower because I have lessons at around 3. K BYE.

PS: I thought of you alllll day and I think you would've really liked this song. I would've showed it to you anyhow

PPS: *Craig Tucker voice* If my friends and I could just beat each other up every time we had disagreements I would be sooooo happy.


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