✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-03-05 07:45:48 (UTC)

Fishbowl

Dear Reader,


I've noticed that it's when no one is online to talk to,


I start spiraling downwards.


What is wrong with me.
Three nights this week I've just fallen so low...

And it doesn't take much to trigger it.

Right now,
I don't know what to do with myself.

Do I want to write,
Do I want to draw,
Do I want to read,
Do I want to watch Youtube....
Do I want to scroll facebook for hours, waiting for someone to come online..

It hit me how increasingly anti-social I've become lately...
How my circle of friends have dwindled.


All I want to do is talk to Josh S. all day,
but he can't online every single second.
I can't even do that.

And I know that's just past insecurities trying to screw me over.

And I'm trying really hard to be understanding, and patient..


It just gets to me when I'm alone.

Like, when I don't have someone else to talk to in the meantime.

I know that probably sounds clingy, but I can't fucking help it.


I don't go anywhere,
I don't talk to any people in person besides family.


The only people I talk to on a regular basis besides family,
are Nick, Chaz, Jon, Josh S. and Josh M.


And I'm craving interaction.
I'm craving new people, new faces, new voices...

I want to make friends...
Online, in person...


I feel so alone.

That's what fucks with me.
The need for human interaction, and desire to make friends
is at constant war with my social anxiety.


Even if I had the chance,
My social anxiety always manages to fuck it up.

Nick is my best friend, and I love him so much.


It's just...
I can't tell him anything about my love life.

He has feelings for me,
and if he found out that I'm talking to another guy,
He would flip the fuck out.

He did when he found out about Chaz.

He would flip out because of how quickly I found someone else.
He would be jealous.

It's just easier to just not talk about it with him whatsoever,
to spare his feelings.


I wish I had someone that I could talk to about this...

Like, with my old friend Tez.
We could talk for hours and hours about relationships, and sex...

That was our common ground.


I wish I had a best friend to introduce Josh S. too.

It would mean the world to me if Nick and Josh S. could be friends...

That's the main reason why I stopped writing in my old diary, and started this diary...
It was to write everything I can't say..
Everything I can't talk about..
Unload everything from my head...

I know that one day...

I'm going to need to see a professional...

I hope I can hang in there until I've moved out of here...

When I was in elementary school,
After my father passed away,

My grandmother started taking me, and my younger brother to see a therapist.


My grandmother sat in all of the sessions.

So, I didn't have a choice but to lie about how I really felt.


I didn't feel comfortable with talking to strangers about the shit that went on in my head back then anyway.


I didn't know how to talk to people.

I held it all inside until I was 15 years old, and found this website.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I just started writing, and writing, and I couldn't stop.

It was like a damn bursting.

Right now,
I'm struggling to cope....

And I want help.

This time, I really want help.

But it's out of my reach,
and it will be for awhile.

Sincerely,
GoldFish





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