2016-03-03 19:34:24 (UTC)

Out of Tune (and Feb. Music)

"Hard To Forget" by Natalie Evans

"Sunken Treasure" by Wilco

I am so
Out of tune
With you

March 3, 2016 6:35 PM

This week was all... lopsided. I told Pat I was feeling out of sync. Laughing at the wrong time, staying quiet when I should be speaking, I was just out of step with everyone around me and it's... strange. Like I'm not there, like I'm apart from them. I am only pretending to be the person I think I am, but I'm pretty sure that any real feelings are only unpleasant as of now. I've just been separated from the rest of myself. I'm not actually depressed, though. I've got energy and motivation and ideas. This strange feeling will disappear. Or I guess I will reappear. I dunno. It's more like apathy than emotion so. What?

Okay. Here's a boring rundown of my week so far.

Monday was aight. I dressed nice. Mr. Sandwich gave me a new name. Last week they called me Dumps. This week my name is Bob. Mr. Sandwich is all fascinated with Bob the Subgenius this week... satan or something.

Tuesday was less aight. I felt strange. Stayed up til 2 AM the night before
finishing some homework. But really, I was so... slow.

Alexis wasn't there. John was trying to joke around with me in Sandwich's room during lunch (he threw a handful of water in my face) and when I didn't look the slightest bit amused, him and Sandwich were just... weird, I guess.

They're weird about emotions is all.

I could tell John felt bad that I was annoyed due to something he did. I've gotten used to his way of showing it. People are so interesting, Jesus! I'm getting all excited!!! Okay but anyway.

Yeah, he leaned against the counter as I patted my face dry and was all, "I wouldn't have thrown it at you but Alexis wasn't here," and then either he or Sandwich said, "Why don't you stand up for yourself?"

It's. Yeah. I wish I could remember more. It's just John was acting so casual but I could see he was sort of jittery about the whole thing. He's always jittery. But especially so.

Oh, yeah. He wasn't in school on Monday. I think I was the first to notice. I asked him and he said he didn't want to talk about it. Later said it was because it was February 29 and that doesn't count as a real day. Then, after that, he said to us that he'd had a nervous breakdown or something.

The way this was revealed was odd. Like with Isaac, he was so... Not casual. He was trying to be casual. It sounded like:

"No big deal, my mother died."

With that tone. Yeah. Only he said it all rushed and looked at the ground for a few seconds, but this was also rushed like he was afraid if he didn't look up we'd know he was ashamed, and we'd act like it was a big deal.

Maybe I'm speculating too much.

But he DID get a little quieter, a little more hurried in his way of speaking, when mentioning that he'd freaked out the day before. Told us he quit his job. I wonder what happened but I didn't want to ask. Maybe John wanted me to ask, didn't want to force his problems onto us unless we showed ourselves to be willing. I mean, that's what Isaac did. Kind of. Yeah.

I hope John's okay. I really didn't like him when I first met him earlier this year. Well, I'd actually seen him around since I was a freshman. Or maybe early sophomore year...

But here was my general impression: obnoxiously loud, gay, sort of rude

He is loud. He is sort of rude. And he is gay. He annoyed me so much at the beginning of the year. But I dunno, John really grew on me. At first he was loud, made inappropriate jokes, I dunno. I find him pretty funny now. And generally likeable. (I know I have a tendency to dismiss really noisy, abrasive people–it's been that way for as long as I can remember. I'm weirdly sensitive to loudness, it makes me bristle. But I still manage to befriend some of those people anyway. Except for Jamie, goddamnit).

I think it started when he showed me his art. He draws stuff with pens and... he's fucking amazing. I don't even – I can't begin to describe the work he does. It's intricate. He's got a fucking .005 mm Micron pen. That's small as hell. He showed me it today, I could barely see the actual felt tip.

No, I can't describe it. I wish he'd understand how awesome I actually think his art is. My words don't feel real coming out of my mouth, they're all guarded like everything else. I wanna say laminated, almost, haha. So yeah, it (to me) sounds insincere when I compliment him when it's anything but.

Yeah, well. The point is, John started showing me his art and it was really good but I didn't care that much and simply humored him. I realized one day, though, that I think he actually cares about my opinion. Probably because it's a positive one.

Also he's more sensitive than he lets on. (more speculation from yours truly. I hope he never reads this because if I ever read this kind of shit about myself I think it'd hurt too much – of course, I'm not intending this to be mean, but if what is written happens to be truthful.... Well sometimes you just don't want anyone to know that much about you).

(And also, if he read this and it turned out I was completely off, he'd probably laugh in my face. So that wouldn't be pleasant)

Sandwich, sort of casually one day, said, "Hey, you know what I hate? When people pull stuff up on their phones and wag it in your face and say, 'hey isn't that funny?' and I'm like... I don't /care./"

I wish I could capture Sandwich's voice. The way I wrote it isn't right.

Point is, John actually did that a lot. The sad thing is, Sandwich is right, that's an annoying thing to do. I didn't say so though because John was a few feet away and I... I wonder if Sandwich said that so that John would hear. Sandwich likes to do that. Poke fun at people. Sometimes he hits soft spots on accident.

John stopped showing us stuff on his phone after that.

Maybe for entirely different reasons, maybe not.


Isaac is so weird. He's really growing into The Bomb (recap: The Bomb is a codename for a secret he confessed to me– although I guess it's not really a secret anymore). I still don't wanna say what it is because I use his real name and I haven't yet asked him if I can write about his personal information.

I asked Liv, she said it was alright.

But anyway. He's been communicating a lot more with Liv and I. In general, I think he's more cheerful.

Isaac is so cute. Oh yeah. I'm painting a portrait of him.

Today, he asked me what I saw when I looked at him or... something like that.

Me: whaddya mean

Isaac: I mean you've been staring at me since last week so you could paint me so.. what've you noticed?

Me:.... Whaddya mean?

*this is followed by confused back and forth*

Me: How bout this. I haven't really been noting stuff so.. ask me again on Friday and I'll tell you.

Isaac: okay

He said something about habits, facial expressions. What do I notice.

I have no idea. Painting him is a nice excuse to stare at him. I don't have a crush on Isaac or anything, but he's preeeetttyyyy. Really prettty. I won't try to describe it. Maybe one day, after I've stared at him longer. hah.

SO yeah. I'm not about to tell him that though. People get the wrong idea.


Wednesday was... meh. Liv and I stayed after to paint some signs for the school play. We can buy official t-shirts now that advertise our contributions to the performance. Score.

After that, we went home where I practiced piano for like... ten minutes and then I had to go to Pat. GOing there was sort of a relief. I got to talk to her about the interview I have in a week and a half.

She said some nice stuff because according to her I have low self-esteem or something.

Pat was all, "You can see the layers and complexities in this world. Trust me, that's rare for a person your age. Do you realize that?" (I, of course, did not realize that and in a way I still haven't because my mind is all I know and all the people I've met have turned out to be pretty complicated and beautiful so... ???) and, "I've been seeing you for a couple years now and you've always felt like something is missing. You've always wanted more from your education... This is what you should tell those interviewers," and yeah... She was just really nice.

It made me a little happier. I went home and found Liv on the couch with my mom. She later told me they talked a lot (even got on the subject of countries that cut the clitoris off at birth or something????) and that was nice. I want Liv to be my Stephanie.

Stephanie is to Caroline as Liv is to me,

Stephanie: Caroline, Liv: Me, Sun: Moon

The world works.


Liv slept over and it wasn't that fun mostly because I studied as soon as I got home and did pretty much nothing entertaining. Even cuddling with Liv felt wrong in a way. I'm telling you, this whole week has been so... slanted. I couldn't get comfortable. I slept restlessly. It was nice having her there though.


I painted after school again. That was fun. Adrian was there.

He asked me if I still wanted to be a part of Olympics of the Visual Arts. If I did, he was all, "Part of our project has to do with painting."

I like to paint.

Um yeah I said maybe because track starts next week and while I hope I'll have the energy to do everything I want to, I don't think that's how I work. I vary. This sucks. I'm working through it, though, and it already hinders me a lot less than it used to, even if it is still there.

His little sister was there.

I like watching them interact, Adrian and his five year old sissy. He's so gentle with her. He's a gentle person in general, but I mean. Even softer than usual.

I have to hurry up. Dinner's ready.

His sister is the cutest creature ever.

She's got like... caramel skin or something, and dimples, and huge brown eyes and they tied her hair (dark and curly.. it used to bother Liv that they didn't know how to do her hair) into two little bun things. she's SO CUTE. SHE WAS MIXING COLORS AND WAS ALL,

"Look Adrian, I mixed.. gween so naow I can make grasz"

I am afraid of her.



Drifting - ON AN ON

Alone Made of Ice - Maldito

Trois Gymnopedies (Orchestral) - Erik Satie

Atlantis - Seafret

****We Used To Vacation - Cold War Kids

****Opium - Marcy Playground

****Sleepy Eyes - Marcy Playground

Good times - Marcy Playground

****Ballad of a Thin Man - Bob Dylan

****To Roads To Go, To Roads To Go - Ugly Casanova

Under the Moon - Natalie Evans

Hard to Forget - Natalie Evans

****German Motor Car - Margot & The Nuclear So and So's

One More Suicide - Marcy Playground

A Cloak of Elvenkind - ^

It's Saturday - ^

****Saint Joe on the School Bus - ^^

Out of Site - Built To Spill

Ophelia - The Lumineers

Fin - Pavement

I Am Always The One Who Calls - Pedro The Lion

Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac

Give It Up - The Format (too cutesy for me I think)

Summer in Abaddon (Full Album) - Pinback

****Syracuse - Pinback

Sender - Pinback

****Legs Away - Mother Mother

Paper Kite - Damien Jurado

Clap Hands - Tom Waits

All Nite Diner - Modest Mouse

****Crush The Bird - Lotte Kestner

****I Want You - Lotte Kestner

Leechboy - Crywank (this was sorta funny and sad)

Methuselah - San Fermin

Pearly - Radiohead

Be the Air We Breathe - Lewis & Clarke

****Blindness - Metric

Georgia - Vance Joy

Elevate Me Later - Pavement

****Sunken Treasure - Wilco

Red eyed and blue - Wilco

When Not Being Stupid Is Not Enough - Built To Spill

Anonanimal - Andrew Bird

Blue Veins - The Raconteurs

Water - Dinosaur Jr.

****Still Flat - Built To Spill

Old Friend - Sea Wolf

****Salinger At The Cliff Face - Jon Senna