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2016-02-27 01:53:09 (UTC)

The Psychology of Boy (I don't get it)

"To Roads To Go, To Roads To Go" by Ugly Casanova

All's best forgot, and it's easy
when you try and remember everything you've come across

Can't turn nothin' off
for the fear that you'll be alone with your own thoughts

I'm running water through
I'm running water through my mind

It was grey and there was no sunset
She said she liked it when you spoke in Spanish,
it reminds her of sex

It was grey and it felt flat
She said it leaves me feelin' flat
I said, "Why don't you speak in Spanish?
Why the fuck don't you speak in Spanish, then?"

February 27, 2016 Saturday 12:55 Am

I've been dating all my papers February 27... all day... only it's been Feb. 27 for only fifty five minutes now. So I lied. LIED, I tell you.

Hold on.


Boys are strange in the way they approach things. Well, some boys. It's weird to generalize that way, since I know so many... different kinds of boy. Like Adrian is the openly sensitive type, y'know? He's different... Isaac is. Isaac is something. He's closed off. Drew... What the fuck is going on with Drew? Who knows. We're more acquaintances than friends. I find Drew sort of annoying but endearing??? I dunno.

Paul is strange. He's like Isaac. Says nothing when something is wrong. Actually, I'm not sure if I've ever seen Isaac when something is wrong. If I have, he's damn good at hiding at it. Paul recedes sort of. We're not very close.

Anyway, I'm saying this because... god DAMN, I suddenly just got really fucking tired.

Just remembered Brennan texted me two weeks ago after having not heard from him since early November. He hadn't answered a text I sent him, then I sent him another text some days later and once again no answer. I think after that I asked Liv to be all, "dude what's going on" because he was still speaking with her, just not me. What?

I never answered because I was sort of mildly confused/upset. Now I feel so bad! Ugh! I don't want to push Brennan away! I will text him sometime soon. Liv told me they sort of stopped talking, though. Hmm...

(Sometimes I think you'll answer me)

Hold on. Snapchat from Isaac. It was him saying, 'what?' I don't want to repeat the question though. Dunno how to explain what I mean. Ok. It's been a few minutes now. He said, 'I'll still talk if u want'

Dunno if he's saying he'll talk about what he told me an hour ago or he'll just... converse or something. Either way I wanna stop talking. It'd be easier if we were in the same room. Technology things are so difficult.

I might get high with him, actually. Not for awhile, not until I get a couple days off, but yeah. He is... strange. And I want to know things. This is a way in. Right?

Well, anyway: this entry is sort of about Isaac I guess but also not.

He told me something like... over an hour ago now? I don't want to specify because it's his business and I just feel weird posting that on the web. I do that with some of the things Liv tells me too.

(he said, "about what though?" when I told him to "do it" this is in reference to the talking thing. so. i might just tell him im going to sleep in like 10 minutes bc honestly I've socialized way too fucking much this week what the hell even is this I am an introvert this is too much)

Anyway, I didn't know what to say! When he told me! I asked him a couple of questions and shit but I just... he didn't say much in reply.

The way he even told me was weird. To me, anyway. Not bad-weird. Interesting-weird. He just sort of... sent me a snapchat that was basically, "Hey, [insert thing here]" and then it was over. I at first thought I misheard but nah.

Tried asking him briefly about porn but found out he doesn't like talking about that stuff haha. Makes sense. One time me and Adrian were having this conversation about a really bad fucking (hah) porno we had both seen and Isaac was just like, "... Okay guys. let's change the subject," or something.


(Isaac asked me just now if I had anymore questions after I asked about stars and he said, "I wouldn't fuck a star it's too hot" haha. I just said, "I only have late night questions but the real question is are we at the stage in friendship where I can ask them and will it be weird".... if it doesn't make sense, this is because I am kind of really tired)

But, ugh. Point is, Isaac was all, "Hey, *drops a bomb*" (except it wasn't really a bomb. I didn't expect it but I wasn't exactly shocked either, mostly because sometimes I'm pretty sure I've rinsed the feelings from my head... also it's sort of attractive buT NO self don't think that no.)

It was just strange how casual he was about it. Especially since I know that it's not something he... I don't know! He also said (casually), "Also don't tell people and shit, aight?"

I guess this makes sense, but I'm just... used to girls.

When Liv tells me stuff, she is straightforward with how it makes her feel. She'll drop a bomb and tell me exactly what emotions it inspires and exactly how she would like me to proceed. Kind of. Not exactly. But.... you know. It's just... clear.

(His reply to what I said was, "fuck it lets just smoke together sometime soon" and I was all, "deal. this is the part where we do a handshake so just imagine that ok"... Am I doing things right?)

And then. It's so hard to... to talk to him. Because after he told me, I moved on kind of. I asked him how he knew about The Bomb (which is what I am officially calling the 'secret-y type thing' that he told me) and he answered. Sort of. Not really, actually, and was way too short for my liking. So I figured he didn't wanna discuss it in depth, just wanted to let me know and not act like it was a huge deal, which I am adept at doing.

I am not adept at... discussing things.

So we exchanged a couple more snapchats and then he was all, "seems like you're ignoring The Bomb" so I was honest: "I didn't wanna push the subject."

He was all, "I wouldn't have told you if I didn't wanna talk about it," in that unnaturally casual way????

So I... timidly began the interrogation. A gentle interrogation, it was. Awkward for me. He answered and stuff, but was still sort of short and emotionless about it because that's the way he is.

Emotionless isn't the right word. It's just like he says stuff and there's... you can tell that there's more he's not saying. Either that or I read into it way more than I had to.

Holy shit.

(HE'S SO CONFUSING. SO I said goodnight and then he goes, "I thought we were gonna talk about The Bomb but whatever" and FUCK. FUCK. WHAT THE ??? HOW DO I??? Girls. Are simpler. No. That's another generalization. The girls I know are simpler, most likely because I am a girl and so the style of communication is just familiar to me.

Plus I know boys are held to different standards feeling-wise. God damn it. I really wish I were sitting in a damn room with him right now. Then this would be easier.

In reply, I said, "Gosh dangit I'm sorry I'm not good at talks. I really will listen though," and just. I don't know what he wants. I really want to say what he wants. If I'm ever going to be a psychologist, I probably have to learn to ask the right questions. I've been told before that I'm pretty good at it but I don't think that's true because why does it feel so awkward and unfamiliar, eh?

I'm frustrated.)

Ugh this whole conversation has been simultaneously normal and strange. Normal in the way it was carried, strange in its subject matter.

Isaac thought The Bomb would be easier to discuss with a girl. He tried getting ahold of Liv first and... okay I feel second-rate but facing the facts I know she would've been a lot better at doing whatever this is I'm trying to do right now.

Like I said, Isaac thought The Bomb would be easier to talk about with a god damn girl. But me????? I don't do feelings!!!

I may be really emotional, but I totally block those bad boys off from other people. This IS WHY I CAN'T SHOW LIV HOW MUCH I LOVE HER. I PHYSICALLY CANNOT. ugh my back hurts.

So yeah Isaac. You asked the girl with emotional problems... to help you talk about.... a somewhat emotional issue.

Wait. It is now almost 2 AM. I am going to end this entry now. Or, no. Actually I'm just gonna let it sit here til tomorrow. I'm still talking to Isaac. Let's see how this goes in the mañana.


I never finished this and I never plan to. I don't think I ever got to the point. I didn't reread so... I dunno.