✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-02-28 05:29:02 (UTC)

Escape Route

Dear Reader,


2016 has been a crazy year so far.


And I say that in regard to my love life.

In the first two months of this year,
I've broken up with 3 people I've been involved with romantically/sexually.

Now, now.. before you jump to conclusions,
Only 1 out of the 3 were official.

That was with Chaz.
The other two were with Josh M., and Jon.
And they knew about each other.


Josh M. has been my "boyfriend" since 2012...
I met Jon in 2013 I'm pretty sure, maybe later.
He and I have been friends with benefits.
And I met Chaz in 2014.
And he was the first person I've seriously dated.

Something I noticed that I do,
is when I first meet someone, or enter a relationship with someone of any kind, but mostly if it's a romantic/sexual one,
I immediately begin figuring out how to escape if needed.

And usually I walked in with every intention of escaping.

Because I'm so afraid of feeling trapped...
I had the mindset to get out while I still could..

Because with Chaz,
I felt completely trapped.
I walked in too far without figuring a way out, I wasn't sure about whether or not I wanted to stay, and the door shut when I realized too late...
I felt like I didn't have an escape route at all...
Which actually, made me want to escape even more...

And what kind of relationship is that?
A relationship shouldn't ever feel like a trap.

Keeping Josh M. and Jon present in my life available for sex or romance,


Enabled me to continue not committing fully to someone....

And I don't want that anymore.

I don't want to walk into something with intentions of leaving.
I don't want to walk into something that I'm not sure I want.

I still want to have an escape route if needed...

But it's different with Josh S.


I panicked so hard the other day,
because I felt like I had walked in too far...
Like I had done with Chaz...


I was afraid that I had trapped myself again...


But we talked about it, which is something I couldn't do with Chaz.


He told me that if I decide I don't want this,
I can walk away, and yeah it would suck, but he wants me to be sure about this before we jump into anything serious.

I'm not in a hurry to be serious.
He's not in a hurry to be serious.

We have all the time in the world to build what we have now,
because really it'll be awhile before we can meet each other.

And I like this. I like what we have.
He does too.

This is the openness I had with Josh M.,
but... this is better.
I can't explain it.


I think it's best for me at this point in my life,
that I just have open relationships...
Instead of making anything official....


My demisexuality makes it to where I can't have sex with people,
unless I care about them on a deeper level.

But it extends into the romantic side of the relationship also.

It takes a lot of time, and gradual growth in a relationship, for me to want to take more serious steps...


Which is why I took three big steps for the open relationship I'm in with Josh S.


And that was to cut the romantic and sexual ties with Josh M. and Jon...

Even though I'm in an open relationship,
I don't want other people on the sidelines...

This time, I just want it to be with one person at a time.


Talking about this with Josh S., made me feel so much better about what we have...

He let me establish means of walking away, and I didn't have to use a way to lie or manipulate....
and believe me, I feel horrible for having to use them in the past.

Chaz made me feel afraid to talk about it,
Josh S. welcomes me to talk.

Communication with Josh S. is the absolute best...
He's literally so understanding, and patient.
He has such an open mind...
Communication is so important in open relationships.


He makes me want to be a better person...

I want to say this.


I will always care about Josh M. and Jon, and Chaz...


And it's so strange to think that...

It's over.

Three people I invested so much time, and feelings into...
And believe me when I say, that all the time we shared I will always cherish.


I never thought that it would end...
And I suck at endings. I suck at goodbyes.
I cry when I finish books, and movies...


An old friend of mine told me once,
that change is the only constant...


I have to adapt to a new normal.


Losing people, or losing how you interacted with someone,
is never easy.


Josh S. came at a very unexpected point in my life... and for a second there I was so afraid,
but now I'm excited to see where this leads...

I'm hopeful.
I'm sure.

Which is something I've only known once before...

I don't want to run away anymore.


Sincerely,
RetiredHoudini





Ad: