✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-02-25 17:19:20 (UTC)

Recycled Canvas

Dear Reader,

When I broke up with my boyfriend,
I told myself that I needed to start working on getting my life back together... Start small and work my way up.


Ever since I graduated,
I've had literally nowhere to be.
Nowhere to go, and no one to see.

I don't go anywhere besides the stores with family.
I'm just here all day long.

I've grown to a point where I don't even bother getting dressed or changing clothes very often.
I'll just recycle the same shirt and pants for as long as I can.

I get up, and take a shower, and then tie my hair up...
And then I'll put on the same T-shirt I've worn forever, and pair of shorts or the only pair of grey sweat pants that I own.

Honestly, I hate it.

I told myself after I broke up with Chaz, that I'd start changing clothes again.... that I'd do my hair more often.


I just don't have the motivation to do anything to my appearance unless I have to leave the house.

She'll randomly ask me to go with her to the store,
And I get up and frantically throw on some jeans, a cool shirt.. one of my hooded denim vests... red converse... a necklace and some pins and bracelets... and my Batman hat backwards to cover up my mess of curly hair...
And then when I get home... I peel it all off.


Fashion is very important to me.
I love getting dressed up... I love looking and feeling badass.
It makes me feel powerful, and confident.

It's taken me so long to be able to dress this way.

When I couldn't dress the way I wanted,
I hid under hoodies and tied my hair up all the time.
I felt so much shame.
I felt like I wasn't myself... like I was someone else.
I felt ugly.


I feel like, I've reverted back to that.
After all the time and money I've spent to be myself,
I feel like I've lost it again.


I don't have a lot of relaxation clothes..
because that's how much I loved to get dressed up.
I never thought I'd get to this point..

I think I'd feel better about it...
If I had a variety of nice relaxation attire...

I wish I could go clothes shopping.


I feel so embarrassed when family comes over and sees me.
I know they talk about it.


My aunt Rhonda has even brought it up to me a few times.


I love my short hair. I really do..
But sometimes I miss the versatility of long hair.
I miss being able to throw it up into a pony tail or something, and go out and it being acceptable...
If I were having a lazy day with my long hair,
I had more options in dealing with it, and it still looked nice, whereas I only have 2 options to make my short hair look nice.

I can either straighten it, or put a hat over it.

Nowadays I just throw it up into a weird Cindy Lou Who almost man bun type thing. I literally have a toddler's hairstyle all the time, and I'm nearly 20 years old.

I have curly hair.
I don't have the nice tight ringlet curls... or loose waves.

My curl pattern is whatever the fuck it feels like..
And usually it feels like pissing me off.

I have big, frizzy, and crumply curls and waves...

I couldn't even leave it down when I had long hair,
because it would be straight on top where it was parted...
Curly in some parts.. whispy and wavy in some places...
Straight in others... frizzy in most..
It just didn't look good to me.


I've seen women with curly hair decide to cut it short like I did...
And the curl pattern ends up being so fucking perfect with it.
Like it's so beautiful, and I hoped when I cut mine, it would do the same...

I remember after I had it cut, and first washed it, and it dried...
I wanted to cry it was so bad.
When my grandma saw it, she had this shit-eating "I told you so"
grin on her face.
But, I learned how to use the straightener.
It was a little tricky because I have a fear of really hot things..
So, for the first few weeks with my new short hair..
It was bad looking because of me being a noob with a straightener.


Now that it's short...
most of the time won't even curl all the way...
It'll just arc straight up...


The only thing I can do is straighten it.
I wish I didn't have too though..
I wish I had more options with it.
I just wish I could do something more with my natural hair.
I wish I could find a styling method that wouldn't take long..
And would look badass, and nice.

Sometimes I just want to shave it all off.


It's like, long or short,
I can't win.

I miss my ties.
I really do.
There all in a shoe box, shoved in the very back of my underwear drawer.
Along with bottles of cologne.

I knew that after school was over,
I wouldn't get to wear them for a long time.

I can't wait for when I can dress completely the way I want...

But still.. I worry.

I can dress however the hell I want in my home, or when I go out in the future...
But I'm nervous about my future jobs...


I know it's going to be hard.
I know I probably won't find a place that will accept the way I dress.
I know in retail I'll have to wear a uniform...

But if I end up in the business world,
I know I won't be taken seriously or professionally
unless I'm wearing a skirt and blouse and pearl necklace.


It hasn't been until recently that I've began being nervous about entering society...
because it's not a safe or welcoming place for LGBT people..
Here in my home state, you can be fired for absolutely no reason.
A bill is being passed that allows places to legally discriminate against LGBT people and justify it with "religious freedom".
And I live in a very rural and religious place.

That's literally terrifying...
I'm not good with confrontation.
I'd like to think that if I were ever discriminated against,
that I'd be able to defend myself....
But I've never faced it directly.
Sure, my family has spat homophobic shit around, and it hurts..
But it's to be expected.
I don't know what it would be like to walk into a restaurant for lunch, and the cashier tell me that they don't serve "people like me".
And they can completely get away with it.
Like... I didn't realize it was still 1950...

Honestly, I'm so sick of it.
I'm still a human being, dammit.
I didn't ask to be this way.

I honestly can't see how a person can claim that they serve a loving, and forgiving god, and yet treat someone that is different than they are, like they are lesser beings.

What the hell happened to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? What happened to love thy neighbor?
It boggles my fucking mind.


I hope I live long enough to see a world where people can love and marry whoever the fuck they want, and it not be questioned once...
Where it's not a "gay wedding" it's just a "wedding".
Where women can wear tuxedo's and ties... and men can wear dresses and skirts.. where it's not "men's" and "women's" clothes.. it's just clothes.

I want a safer and welcoming environment for the LGBT children growing up today...


My exterior is my canvas, and I want my painting to portray
who I am as a person...

And lately I've been painting the same boring picture.

Sincerely,
BustedMannequin





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