✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
Pig Sty
Dear Reader,
I need to unload.
The past two weeks have been crazy.
If you know me, you know my room gets trashed easily.
It's so bad, that it takes a lot for me to clean it,
because it feels so pointless....
I always clean it eventually.
I just can't stand it for very long.
It fucks with my head.
My room has been a mess for a long time now,
and it continued to get worse.
She's put two big tubs full of her stuff in here
while she's fixing up her bedroom.
I hate when she puts her things in my room.
I know, she doesn't have anywhere else to put it,
but it usually sits in here forever...
and every time she puts her things in my room,
it always ends up getting 10x messier than normal.
I remember she piled my room up so much that I only had a small trail from the door to the bed and closet.
I couldn't sit at the old desk I used to have.
I couldn't get to any of my stuff in my cabinets and drawers on the other side of the room...
And I remember it was in here for over a month.
It gets to me when someone else's things are in my space.
So, my room was a huge fucking mess.
It bothered me. It really bothered me.
I wanted to clean it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
This is the longest it has been trashed.
I was just waiting for her to say something about it, but she didn't surprisingly.
I started to clean it last week.
I ended up putting all of my art supplies in my dresser...
And I put my clothes in the vanity where I used to store my supplies.
I got a big garbage bag, and went threw all of the school work that was still here and broken binders that were still here and threw all of that was trash away.
That took a long time to accomplish, and I had a lot more to do afterward... so I made the mistake of putting off the rest until the next day.
The next day my aunt, Rhonda, asked me to make some decorations for my other aunt's baby shower for Sunday.
She also asked for a drawing of a stroller so she could transfer it onto a sheet cake.
The task required a lot of time.
My room becomes trashed when I do crafts, and I was asked to make pink gummy bears which needs to be done a day before.
so I decided to put my room on hold and work on the crafts and do the gummy bears, finish cleaning after the baby shower was over and done with.
My room continued to get messier as I worked throughout last week.
Everything was getting to me last week. Everything...
Having to get up and down, up and down, up and down...
Do this, Do that... fetch this.. Help with this.. Clean that...
Watch the puppies... clean up after the puppies...
She yelled and ranted..
I remember getting so overwhelmed twice last week...
That I just put my head in my hands and started to cry in frustration.
I had to make myself stop both times though...
If I cry at all.. it has to be at night.
My brother was sick. Really sick.
Friday I went to the grocery store with grandma.
We needed to pick up supplies for the baby shower.
Chaz's (My Ex).. his brother's girlfriend works there,
and she knows who I am. I forget that every time, and then I see her there and it makes me uncomfortable.
Well, we were walking around, and I just so happened to look towards the front doors, and I thought I saw Chaz walk in.
But I got a better look, and it was his brother.
His brother knows who I am too.
Which made me feel really sick...
I was scared he'd see me, recognize me, run up to me and try to talk... Mention that I dated Chaz right in front of my grandmother...
I was relieved when he left.. but still jumpy.
The grocery store didn't have the ingredient that I needed for the gummy bears.
She didn't want to take me to Walmart, so she just tried talking me out of making a third batch. (Each batch is small) She tried to convince me that walmart didn't have the ingredient I needed because she had "looked" for it the day before.
Friday, I was angry at the world.
I was fed up with everything.
Grandma made chicken noodle soup, and cream of chicken soup for dinner.
I remember not feeling very hungry, but I ate regardless.
I remember not being able to decide which of the two soups I wanted, so I had a bowl of each.
The chicken noodle tasted funny to me. I can't explain it...
The cream of chicken was much better...
Rhonda came up to the house that night, and decided to take me to Walmart because we needed some extra things for the baby shower anyway.. Grandma got angry at grandpa, but he was just joking with her...
And I've noticed that whenever Rhonda is here when grandma's upset, grandma will be overly dramatic.
Rhonda and I were looking at the Easter stuff at the front,
and some old high school friends noticed me.
The exchange was pleasant, but awkward.
Thing between me and Homer have been awkward since the 11th grade.
I was looking for a gift bag, and we found the baby shower section in Walmart.
I stood there looking at the pink and blue things hanging on the shelves...
And that... was when I started feeling sick.
A sudden wave of nausea and pressure in my head washed over me...
It got worse in the car.
I remember trying to keep up with my aunt when we stopped at the dollar store for pink wrapping paper.
She stopped, turned around and gave me a funny look when she noticed I was dragging behind...
When I got home.. my stomach started to hurt... bad.
I started to feel like I needed to puke... I even went to the bathrooms a times and sat in the floor and waited to see.
It dawned on me that I must have caught what my brother had.
I knew that if I had caught it, that I would eventually throw up.. because he did.
And sure enough, I did.
I remember shutting my laptop and running to the bathroom...
And I made it to the toilet in the nick of time.
It was incredibly painful...
I ended up pissing myself, too...
I ran to the bathroom and puked five more times that night...
I don't think I can eat chicken noodle soup, or cream of chicken soup ever again.
The next day,
Rhonda woke me up looking for the decorations.
I told her that I was sick. She told grandma.
Grandma told me to get out of bed, and to try and sit in the living room for awhile...
I sat in the living room with my grandpa... feeling like complete shit.
And I was so fucking dizzy and nauseous.
She had gone to the dollar store.
He told me to put on my shoes so I could help bring the groceries inside when she came back... despite that I was sick.
When she came home and honked the horn...
I told him I just couldn't...
And he said "Fine. Sit there then." in the most hateful tone.
After that, I just couldn't take it..
I went back to bed.
I drifted in and out of fever dreams...
My dreams are basically bits and pieces of my memories,
and things in my current life mixed up and blended together...
I had several fever dreams of Chaz which was weird.
I didn't eat anything all day.
That night, I got up for a little while..
watched part of the movie Lucy, while I sipped on ice water.
And then, I went back to bed.
My dog, Rocky stayed with me the entire time.
It was the worst sickness I've ever had in my entire life.
I had to miss the baby shower.
On the third day...
My grandparents kept repeating
"You're better now, you can do *some chore*"
When really I was still weak.
I tried to clean my room, but I got too hot...
Making my bed wore me out enough.
I was so tired all day long yesterday,
I was a zombie.
Last night I tried to sleep...
And somehow ended up slipping into a minor panic attack.
I'm still experiencing symptoms....
And I started my period today.
*Sighs*
There's so much going on in my head....
I want to do a billion things at once....
I feel like shit all the time...
I've gotten to a point where I want to write too many entries at once...
Maybe I'll have to start doing that...
I had to jot down a little list yesterday.
I wanted to write this entry then, but I was just too tired.
But yeah, that was my life for awhile there...
Today, I finally cleaned my room.
I cleared off my dresser and vanity.
I swept my room like crazy..
I swept under all of the furniture, and I cleaned out from under my bed..
I took apart the ugly wreath I made and threw the mesh away.
The bag of trash is still in here, but it's going out tomorrow.
Her tubs are still here, but maybe she'll get them out soon.
I've got to get my laundry done also.
And even more good news, is that I might finally get to donate the bags of clothes in my closet this week.
I am so fucking glad that this is finally done.
I can't believe how bad my room got.
I'm very proud of how clean, and organized it finally is.
If you know me, you know my room never stays clean long...
But this time, I hope it does.
Sincerely,
Oink
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