✯Sincerely, Me✯
☯LivingWithMyself☯
Pause Button
Dear Reader,
Today on facebook an old high school friend posted about how he was granted a huge scholarship, and it was the first of many more to come.
I'm very proud of him, but...
I've talked about it in another entry that I'm jealous of other people's success because I have yet to succeed myself, childish I know.
Seeing posts like that just reminds me that my life is literally going nowhere at the time being.
I mean,
I used to could use "I just graduated" as an excuse as to why I'm not doing fucking anything yet, and that was enough to other people.
But now it's not a good excuse, because so much time has passed.
I've burnt it out.
It's grown to like an awkward point.
"Oh.. heyyyy... still haven't found a job? And still no... college?"
"But didn't you graduate nearly a year ago.. Not even driving yet? AREN'T YOU LIKE ALMOST 20?!"
Seeing posts like that makes me feel like I'm so far behind...
the next class is going to graduate in a few months and I'll be competing with them for jobs..
How is this going to look to an employer?
I know my entire family thinks I'm a deadbeat.
Anxiety is such a bitch to live with.
It's not that I don't want to find success.
Honestly, I'm jealous of people that can just.. see a pack of stickers that they like, and fucking buy it because they fucking can.
I'm jealous of people who are so happy with their careers..
And have so many friends and close families.. and beautiful marriages...
Humble but spacious houses that they can decorate and make their own...
I see this online and in person...
When my older cousin Amanda got her house...
I was so jealous.
I want it so bad...
I want a career that I love.. that doesn't feel like work..
That I'm passionate about...
I want a house with lots of room..
I want a car...
I want to be married..
I want to make friends..
I want a better life far away from here...
And I haven't taken a step towards it yet.
And there's hundreds of reasons why...
I'm terrified of driving.... literally terrified.
I have always been.
My social anxiety and panic disorder make it so incredibly difficult for me to function with other people... and make it so hard to deal with things...
And I have no idea what I want to do.. where I want to go....
I have no plan. I have no clues..
I have done all of the high school shit that's supposed to have helped me already have a map made and following the trail by now...
And yet, I couldn't figure it out.
I'd go into more detail.. but I'm just too tired to right now..
I will some other time.
I'm stuck.
It's nobody's fault but my own.
It scares me every single day....
My life is at a stand still...
I want to make it move, but I can't.
I'm constantly reminded every single day by something...
I'm constantly bitched at by my family, and they don't understand.
They all think that it's so easy...
They think I'm just being lazy...
I know I can't stay like this forever.
And, I don't want too...
I just hope that when something finally changes...
It's me that takes the first step...
And not because I'm shoved.
Sincerely,
PleasePushPlay
Ad: