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2016-02-20 23:11:23 (UTC)

Blue Like Water, Pt. 2

"Opium" by Marcy Playground [!!!]

Blue like water
Blue like heaven is
All of the time
I'm all right
I'm just gagging on all the all right

February 20, 2016 Saturday 11:something PM (it's past midnight now, I dunno when I started this)

Here's some good stuff, I guess, just so I can destroy that angsty vibe created in the last entry (although, I won't lie, it feels really good to have all that negative stuff out here in the world, feels good to stain someone else with these thoughts):

This will be short (No, it won't). I don't want to ruin the experience with my messed-up mind's eye, which is kind of inevitable but shut the fuck up. Oh! That was aggressive. Jeez. Sorry.

(This is a lovely one-sided conversation, doncha think? I fully expect these words to be left unread by the rest of the human population. I mean, if I were you, I'd have given up on this whiny girl by now. *elbows you playfully and winks. badly*)


Adrian's birthday party was yesterday. He turned seventeen. As usual, I love his mom and dad. They are.. super fucking cool. We almost burned down a church ("we" being Adrian and friends, not his parents. They're not THAT cool... or hot, I guess. Heh. Heheh. I'm snorting).

Ugh. It's 11:12 PM. Time to flip off god. Sorry. I'd explain that sentence right there, but it's just another pile of bitterness, having less to do with god and more to do with personal dissatisfaction (hey! kind of like that spiel — had to look up the spelling for that word — I went on last entry!). If that makes any sense.

K, well.

The party. Was fun. Adrian was nice. We had a mosh pit???? I mean, there were only fifteen people, but still. It worked kinda well. No, but, Adrian really was nice. I get super confused sometimes because I am attracted to him. Not a lot, but I am.

It's weird. Half the time, my mind is more than content with friendship and other times I want him to be my BEST friend (not like Liv. Well, kinda like Liv, but maybe with less talking about personal feelings. Not that I dislike that. It's hard to explain. Has to do with my fascination with male interactions. Perhaps I'm jealous of them?). Like, I wanna cuddle him. I don't really want to kiss him. Just touch him and shit in a purely innocent way.

I can't, though. First of all, I doubt he'd be comfortable that. Hell, would I be comfortable with that?!

Second, I've been shitty to him for like two months. It had nothing to do with him, but I don't wanna get into it.

Third, he's got a girlfriend ("she's kind of an asshole," as described affectionately by Adrian himself, "like Mr. Sandwich." I really like her and I'd never want her to think I was trying to steal Adrian or anything. I JUST WANNA TOUCH HIM LIKE LITTLE KIDS TOUCH EACH OTHER OKAY?!?!?!? Why did that sound dirty, too? Hmm...)

Okay, moving on. Party was, as I said above, fun. Still don't wanna destroy the memories by writing about them.

Revelation! Writing... kills... feelings. That must be why I write about so much negative shit. To kill it. And why I rarely write on good days. I don't wanna take away the feeling, don't wanna put it in a glass box.

This may or may not be stupid as fuck.

We danced. A lot. I looked so fucking stupid, but it was fun so I don't care. It took a bit of courage on my part to actually dance like I didn't care. At first, I was severely tempted to just slink off to the side, watch as everyone else made a fool of themselves, but I didn't. Thanks, self.

Anyway, there was this girl next to me and she seemed to feel pretty uncomfortable with making herself look dumb and that comforted me.

I forget that other people are awkward, too.

This pretty girl (she's a ballerina who goes to an elite private school situated a couple blocks from my house. It looks like a god damn gothic castle and I'm so jealous) accidentally spilt wax on me during our stupid parody of a seance in the old church bathroom. She felt bad, but I was fine with it. She ended up asking for all of our numbers? I'm flattered, but hope she never texts me.

I'm a lot cooler at parties than I am individually. People don't notice how quiet you are, how little you contribute to the conversation, when you're in a group. Hiding in plain sight. I love it.

Parties confuse me. After about an hour, I get an urge to sneak away from the action, hide out by myself for a bit and breathe and feel inexplicably sad/exhausted. But then, I also love them. Love hanging out in groups, even when strangers are there.

Like I said, it's easier to blend in when there are so many people. It's like I can finally be that ghost I always wished I was... kind of. Right up until someone looks me in the eye and asks me a question or something. Plus, sometimes I say stuff. I am, on occasion, clever.

So yeah. The former church (it's now a "sanctuary" AKA kind of a community center associated with art??? don't take my word for it) was dark and cheesy horror movies played on the big screen hanging kind of above the room's stage (a drive-in type screen), and music was being DJ'd in the corner by Adrian or his parents. Or whoever else sat there. Dunno.

It was fucking fun as fuck. A couple times, I did get to sneak off, but always with other people.

Twice, it was with Music. I'm pretty sure some people were thinking we were making out or something. I don't know. Doesn't he have a girlfriend? Ah, who knows.

Anyway, Music just wanted me to listen to a horror story with him so we sat on the church steps out front for awhile. It was nice. Music says I'm the only person he can bond with over horror story audio haha. I'm flattered. I wish I liked it as much as he did, though. I barely ever listen to podcasts anymore. I don't have time. :/

So yeah. Later he came up to me and was like, "Can I confess my sins to you?"

It's easier to use script style. Hold on.

Me: Yeah, okay. Confess your sins.

Music: Okay. Well, I would tap you. I'd tap your brain and your body.

Me: You're telling me you'd, like, crack open my skull and tap my brain?

Music: *says yeah or something I dunno*

Me: *laugh*

Music: I'd also tap Adrian if I were gay. And bookworm girl (Liv), Alexis if she weren't a lesbian, that girl over there, that guy...

Me: So everyone in this room?

Music: Yeah basically

I laughed more. I like Music. I like how open he is with shit like that. Literally, since I met him he's been telling me I look pretty or sexy or something. Should I find that disrespectful? No. I don't think so. It's not like he's ALWAYS talking about how I look. He actually converses with me, I always get a respectful vibe. I really don't mind the things he says at all, but he's always saying, "I hope this doesn't creep you out," before saying shit like, "You look like a Victoria's Secret Model" (he said that last year and it's a damn lie)

At the end of the night, he kind of asked me on a date but not really???? It was strange.

He said that when he got an apartment, he'd like to invite me over so we could listen to horror stories and cuddle and shit. I said sure. I trust him. Anyway, I asked when this would be and he said, "Dunno, maybe when you're in college??"

He's 18 right now. I wonder where his future lies. But yeah, seems far away. Then again, he also said such a date would be occurring "sometime soon or maybe sometime later." Not verbatim, but y'know. The gist. I was generally confused.

Before I left, Music was all, "I love your ears. They listened to me." It was weirdly sweet without being cheesy. Music is not cheesy. I mean, he could probably set up a candlelight dinner and still manage to avoid corniness because his way of speaking is so... flat.

This is a compliment. He just sounds bored and mildly amused, but not.. happy amused. Kurt Vonnegut amused, if that makes sense. Yes, Kurt Vonnegut! It's like apathy, sort of. Amused apathy?

There's a specific word that would describe what I'm talking about, but I can't remember what it is.

Anyway, with that kind of voice, it's hard for things to be... gross. Which I appreciate. It seems more genuine that way. I don't like him romantically, but maybe I could if we became closer friends. I'm kind of worried I'll never fall in love, actually. I find a lot of people attractive. A LOT. But it's hard for me to actually... want to be close to them in that way. I was gonna say "intimate" but gross. That's like the word equivalent of soft-core porn.

Okay, well, rest of the party. There were donuts and pizza and it was kind of awesome. Liv and I sat in the stairwell for a bit, talking. She showed me her new bra and I was like, "Dude, if someone walked out that door right now and saw you showing me your boobs, they'd be having some weird thoughts right about then." Liv has really nice boobs.

Also, I was dancing awkwardly to a song I didn't like much at some point and Alexis was next to me. She was like, "I wanna sit down or something."

I said, "Why don't you?" I was kinda hoping she would so I could tag along.

Alexis replied, "Nah. Don't wanna be a pussy."

I laughed and said, "Isn't that sexist?" It's funny because Alexis is a captain of our school's Women's Rights group.

She was all, "Prolly. But it's funny," and I agreed. Yeah, I dunno. I kinda don't have problems with words like that.

Fag, pussy, gay, assrammer (hah), stuff like that. I can see how it would be offensive, I really can, but I can never UNDERSTAND. I'm really not easy to offend, unless the attack is really personal. I've been called "mayonnaise" for looking white and I was more insulted by the fact that they were telling me I was racist whilst assuming my own race based on my appearance and behavior.

The appearance assumptions, I don't mind as much, but the behavior stuff? Ugh. I don't like feeling like I don't belong anywhere. Me and Liv talked about this. We're both mixed, so neither of us quite feel like we... belong... in our respective communities. The latino community, the white community. I don't fit right in either category (Liv's black, hispanic, and I think kind of white? I forget). The categories are based on behavior, kind of. If you don't act a certain way, you're not "latina enough." It kinda sucks because I love my mom and that whole side of my family, love the way they interact and love being around them even if I am pretty shy. I don't want to feel like I don't belong there. Don't wanna have to have an accent and, I don't know, act a certain way just so people realize??!?!? Ugh.

There shouldn't be categories (the word "shouldn't" doesn't, and never will, matter though. Probably because it's nowhere close to a solution, only a half-hearted expression of a goal, a person's world view wrapped up in one stupid word. Oh, am I getting bitter again?).

... But anyway. Yeah. I thought that was funny. The whole Alexis thing. As for using things like "pussy" for slurs... I'm a woman. I don't particularly mind it, but I'm still open to other opinions.

OKAY. There's a ton more to say about the party, but I will move on since it's nearing midnight and I have so much shit to do (cue the spike of anxiety).

Today, some guy came and tuned our piano so it sounds a lot less monstrous but my dad is saying we might have to sell it anyway. The piano repair man told us our piano is literally the lowest of the low. It is the cheapest instrument purchased from the crappiest piano makers. Hah. Plus, our soundboard is apparently covered in cracks and repairing all that would cost more than the piano is even worth. My dad said it'd be cheaper to buy a new one. Whatever, though. For now, this one works.

We went to a concert this afternoon. It was held in the music hall where my eighth grade graduation was. That hall is fucking... well, it's over a hundred years old. It's so beautiful. Kind of Victorian, if I'm not mistaken. There's a lot of Victorian stuff around here.

K, well.

The concert was a tribute to Beethoven. The first guy who played was by far my favorite. He... was beautiful. Fucking... beautiful. He looked like Birdy, if Birdy were an Asian guy in his mid-twenties. No, but seriously, I think they had the same haircut. And their body-types were similar. Tall, skinny but strong... Just beautiful. So beautiful. I wanted to touch him so bad. I have the program, I'm going to look up his name after I post this so I can listen to him play.

That's another thing! He was a good player. They all were. I was just watching him more. His whole body was in the song, his face too.

They were all playing a Steinway, by the way, for you piano experts out there. It was such a fucking long piano.

Okay, well the hot guy played Beethoven's "moonlight" sonata (which I only just learned is not actually called the moonlight sonata), 3 movements of it. At some point, it sounded like a thunderstorm. I might've died and gone to heaven.

I've always had a hard time connecting with classical music. Dunno why. My music inspires emotions, images in me. Classical music... is like a foreign language to me most of the time. I just don't understand, don't feel it, can't figure out what the composer was trying to tell me.

Moonlight sonata is one of those few pieces that I really enjoy, though, along with Erik Satie's Gnossiennes (I printed out the sheet music for gnossiene no. 1 and my dad played it for me today!!!!!!! god I'm happy). Erik Satie in general I like, but mostly the Gnossienne things.

I also like some Chopin. But for the most part, I don't understand classical music. My dad has been playing it all my life, I should probably love it. Seriously:

my whole childhood was a mixture of the Beatles, Maroon 5, an assortment of songs from the 70's or 80's (My Sharona, YMCA, Hotel California, the "do you like piña coladas" song... that one with the devil playing the fiddle??? I used to love that one especially. Oh! Also I Will Survive!!! Plus some other stuff but eh I can't remember anymore), and classical music.

My dad used to play piano a lot more than he does now, and he'd occasionally break out the flute. Now all he does is play the viola and tenor (tenor is some weird, obscure version of a viola. It's that stage between a cello and a viola. He's one of, like, two people in the world who actually bother playing the thing hahaha. I'm impressed with him).

But no, what matters is that he played a shitload of Bach (his favorite composer). He probably also played Mozart, a couple songs he wrote himself, and various other composers??? Bach is especially ingrained in my head, though, because I've memorized a couple songs due to the frequency with which they were played.

I like them. I don't know what they're called, but I like them.

Anyway, okay.

That's all for now, folks. I should probably go to bed. No! IUgh.... I got shit to do. I should probably do that... THEN go to bed. Sigh. C ya tmrrw. Probably not, though. See you sometime this week.

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