wet blanket
2016-02-18 11:38:38 (UTC)

It's weird. Sometimes I hate my scars, I..

It's weird. Sometimes I hate my scars, I fucking hate them. But other times I like them. Is that weird?
Initially it's absolute torture. When I was constantly self harming I obviously got very paranoid about people seeing them , so I'd always be in the "hide my arms" mindset. Always long sleeves. Always.
But even that has problems in itself, especially in Summer. People asking questions, all the time. I hated Summer.
Anyway, once they start to heal they start as red, then pink. Too often I'd think they weren't noticeable, maybe because I was so used to seeing them I didn't notice anymore. But of course, other people are not going to think that. Other people also don't know how to control their mouth. If you see marks up someone's arm is the first thing you're going to say is "what the fuck happened to your arm?" in front of people? If so then you are fucking stupid. You need a filter.
I remember Ollie Miller did it, Katie Temby did it, Nikki Johnson did it oh god it happened so many times I can't be bother listing them. Just fucking think before you go yelling stuff out like that. I don't understand people. I guess you have to have been there to understand not to just say that.
I remembered the flushes of panic when people asked me.
Then after what seems like forever, the scars go pale white. It's almost not noticeable. But they're shiny.
The worst ones are up my right forearm, and on my left elbow. The four up my right arm, I remember that night. I just kept at it the whole night and they got deeper and deeper. They've scarred terribly, but now that they're white I don't mind so much. But you don't notice how many times people grab your arms until they're covered in cuts. You can't flinch of course, or they'll ask question. I had to keep it in when really I wanted to scream. So many times they be opened up again just from people grabbing me. My left elbow was probably deepest, there's a second one next to it but it's smaller.
My arms are covered in them. But I think.. you know someone's really looking at you when they notice the white scars. My excuse usually is, for my elbow, that I fell on a piece of metal. And for my right arm, it's so obviously because the scars look too perfectly placed. Like it looks to calculated, so it's a lot harder, I usually just say I was in a bike accident and change conversation. Usually then they just stop asking.
Anyway after a long time of healing, depending how deep you did it, you'll start wearing T shirts and singlets again. A few hard moments with my parents. But they don't usually question it for long. Mum did, once, sit down and start crying about it.

I have-
Left Arm
A very faded X on my thumb, cut, then poured ink into it.
A scar under that X, self harm, razor.
A triquetra, next to the X, stick and poke tattoo
A butterfly tattoo on my wrist, stick and poke tattoo
A scar on the top side of that wrist, razor
A scar on the left of that scar, lighter
Countless small scars up my arm, razor
A small tattooed cut, upper forearm.
A 10cm scar, on my elbow, with a smaller one next to it, razor
A few small cuts on my shoulder, razor

Right Arm
Four 5-10cm scars up my arm, razor

I have a scar on my back, surgery
Multiple scars on my upper thigh, I have "FAT" scarred on me forever there, razor.
lower stomach, cut, razor
Ankle, scars, razor

As you can probably tell I am right handed. I could never really do burning, I always just went for razors.
But in a sick fucked up way I miss adding the that collection.