My Heart Is Not A Machine
February 2nd, 2016 - 4:16PM
I completely forgot about this journal (why am I not surprised). My last entry was two years ago, SO MUCH has changed since then! In fact, pretty much everything has changed; I got a job (multiple jobs, in fact), moved to Brooklyn, got dumped by Z, started dating S, broke up with S... Of course a lot more happened, but those are probably the most significant events.
In terms of Z, it just didn't work out. We were on different paths, he moved to the city and got a new job and had a new life. I was stuck at home and I was completely miserable. When he broke up me I was completely destroyed inside. I spent months recovering, weeks sitting on the LIRR trying to hold back tears because I missed him so much. I wanted him to give me another chance so badly (he ended it because I was getting too clingy and he just didn't have the time for me), but of course that never happened. We did meet up a few times to catch up and they were all great, but I haven't spoken to him in a year.
Fortunately I was able to move on and not feel so crappy about the situation. In the end, I believe the breakup was for the best. If we stayed together I think we would've held each other back. Z also had to dedicate a lot of time to his CPA exams (although I did learn he failed the second part twice, after we broke up). I'm sure he's passed them all now, but I wouldn't know. I de-friended him on Facebook and Snapchat because it was too painful to know what he was up to.
Even to this day I still think about him sometimes and I have dreams about it. I feel like I'll never get over him, after all he was my first true love.
Z breaking up with me also taught me I needed to live my own life and not depend on another person to fulfill me. After the breakup I focused all my energy on jobs, my portfolio, and interviewing. I landed an internship, a freelance job, and then finally a full-time permanent job. I'm now a graphic designer at a social media agency and I honestly love everything about the work I do. I go to work knowing I get to play around on Photoshop and take pictures. This job also enabled me to move into my first apartment. Unfortunately I'm WAY underpaid at this job but that's ok, I'm sure my next one will have better way.
Shortly after I started working with the agency, I met S. At the time, S seemed like an amazing, genuine, caring man. I met him at a bar (what are the odds of that happening twice!?) and we were together ever since. When I first met him he did all the things I loved; he was affectionate, he always returned my texts, he wanted to spend all his time with me, he complimented me, etc. There were also some red flags, like him not being motivated, him being single for 2 weeks before we met, and him being REALLY attached to me. Like, too attached.
As the months passed I broke up with him twice. The first time was more of like a "we shouldn't talk anymore" about a month after we started dating. The second time was more serious. I broke up with S because of multiple reasons that I won't get into now. A week later he came back saying he would change, so I gave him another chance. All was good for a a few weeks but then it fell apart again and I was back at square one. The last straw was last weekend and I broke up with him for good. It really sucked, but I knew I'd never be happy with S. It sucks even more because S has so many good qualities. Despite this, I just wasn't into him.
I know a breakup shouldn't feel like a failure and it's all a learning experience, but it kind of does feel like I failed. I know there's someone out there for me, but I guess I haven't found them yet. If I had things my way I'd still be with Z, but I know that's in the past now.
As of now I'm just trying to learn how to be single again, except I'm going to spend the next few weeks being alone and not dating anyone. I'm happy because I can finally enjoy NYC and everything it has to offer; I don't have to skip out on friend outings anymore because of S, I can actually enjoy my apartment on the weekends (S was either always with me or I was at home with S in his parents house), and I don't have to feel guilty about not checking my phone all the time (S texted me at least every hour, TOO MUCH).
For some reason I feel scared, but it also feels good to be alone again, knowing I'm completely in control of my own happiness again.