How do you know how deep to go before it's real?
I don't think a night has gone by where I haven't thought about suicide or cutting for the past six months. I'll be completely fine but it just takes a fucking second. One fucking second for bad thoughts to enter my head. They just rush through, of stabbing myself in the arm usually. The nights where the thoughts are constant I end up doing. Don't people understand I fucking can't help it. I really can't.
Honestly all it takes is for someone to ignore me or something pathetic like that. It just makes me feel so insignificant I just feel like I'm the one always trying with fucking everyone. I always feel like no one really cares to try with me.
I've also been having a lot of thoughts about just. Getting rid of any contact with anyone. I don't know why. I've just been thinking like would anyone care. I don't know if it's just setting things up for me so suicide is easier because then no one will care because contact with them would have been cut off long ago.
But I don't want tp throw away the effort I've put in recently.. but I do.
Would anyone try. Would anyone wonder what happened. Would they come to my house?
I just want to waste away by myself I'm sorry.