Ranmat

The Last Hours
2016-02-01 18:41:18 (UTC)

An apology letter to kenar

So I have this flaw that turns into a bigger flaw.

I have pinpointed the problem but struggle with managing the solution.

I was not ready to be a mom. I had to be one one overnight. I was super party girl wild child. And the next day I had to become an ideal mom. My transition was not smooth and although I have come such a long way I understand I'm not where I need to be. Girls night out or just having spare time to do something for me or with friends without having to worry about my son or mom is always greeted with thoughts or feelings of "before mom lifestyle practices". I don't do drugs anymore and I have been celibate. I do drink and have a high tolerance but with the absent of the previous 2, I abuse the 1. Rarely. I have always had an all or nothing way about me when it comes to whatever I'm doing. Sometimes I use my time wisely. Sometimes I end up regretting my behavior.

In addition I believe part of my regretful behavior stems from having to always be in control. Again not by choice but because it is my position rather at work or with my son. And when I can let go, I do and sometimes to the point where I'm not the person I spend so much time controlling to be. And truly desire to be.

And end the end it my conduct tells me I have some maturing to do. To work in this I need to take more time for me. I see the importance, I just never seem to have the time.

Please accept my apology.
I did not mean to drink so much. I feel hypocritical speaking of the bible drunk. I don't have these conversations with everyone. I do with u because u are a thinker of logic and reason. A quality I do admire about u. But I know that is a conversation to have while someone is in sound mind and by someone who exercises control. I'm embarrassed and hope that you do not judge me. These times have become occasional. But I'm still developing them to happen never. I hope you can still find me a friend that you can still want to spend girls night out with. That will never happen again.




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