✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-01-30 18:41:16 (UTC)

Guilty

Dear Reader,


I never thought I would write this.
But I feel like if I don't do something I'm going to explode.


Something from my past... from way way way in the past...
Is surfacing. It would do this every once and awhile...
but now it's driving me fucking insane.


I can't say what it is.
I'll never ever disclose what it is, here.
I have to keep it hidden.
I just need to refer to it as "it".


I'm surprised I'm even writing about it like this.


I did something so bad that words can't describe how bad it is.

And I've never been able to forget it.
I've never been able to forgive myself for it.

I was so young when I did it.
It's been... 15 years?


I think about it every single day,
and if I could lay down and die to undo it,
I would do it in heartbeat.


What I've struggled to understand...
Is that... I was sick.
I was a sick child, and I needed serious help.


And I'm not that person anymore...


Can something like that ever be forgiven?

Am I worthy of forgiveness...
Am I worthy of moving on and being happy...


I just hope that it's known
That I'm so awfully sorry...
And I'd do anything to change it.

I know it'll be a long time until I can forgive myself?


I don't want to hurt anymore....
I don't want to feel guilty anymore....

But I hate myself for it...
And I can't help but wonder,
Do I deserve to suffer?

Because I'm not the victim here.

When will it be enough...
to have payed the full price for what I did...
If ever.

Sincerely,
BeyondAshamed




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