✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-01-29 04:48:25 (UTC)

Dumptruck


Dear Reader,


I've got a lot to unload.
Brace yourself folks.. It's a long one, tonight.

Yesterday's entry was a little vague, and today was just super fucking strange..

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I get more into it in a bit.

I didn't sleep until like very very very fucking early in the morning, and on top of that.. I had to get up earlier than normal, and it seriously kicked my ass.

I couldn't keep my eyes open at all.. I had no energy.
I went with my grandma to pay the bills today, and Rocky, my dog got to ride with us.

I nearly fell asleep the whole way there...
We had to drive by my old high school.

We were at a stoplight, and the radio station started talking about Donald Trump being a child like usual, and how he planned on avoiding the Republican debate tonight because the fox news anchor he has beef with, was going to attend.

So, I voiced how I felt it was childish of him, and she quickly became condescending about it. Yeah, I shouldn't have said anything, but honestly I wasn't even thinking.

She doesn't even know the entire story behind, she just likes Donald Trump, so she just jumps to his defense every time the pompous joke lets more garbage flow out his mouth.

She treats us like we can't have political opinions, IF they don't align with hers.

She thinks Trump is so great because he's good at pretending he knows what the fuck he's doing. She agrees with kicking the Muslims out, the refugees out, building the wall between the United States and Mexico...

She gets SO pissed off when we call him out on his shit.

She has to have the last word in everything. She has to walk away feeling like she won. Because that's how big of a control freak she is.
It's sad.
As she got out of the car as she basically said all smugly the fox news anchor is a bitch and deserves it...

She doesn't even watch fox news.


I got so fucking mad, after she went into the building, that I hit the car door.

I need a punching bag.


Trump, I'm not sorry, IF you were to become president, You've got to be around some people EVEN if you don't like them.
This isn't middle school.

So, today after the bills were taken care of, and we got home,
She decided she'd do the work she's been planning on for her the inside of her closet... and I'd have to help.

I don't mind helping.. but it had to be today of all days.

I was tired. I was low.

I didn't speak much at all.

I was waiting for her to start, and the new puppy was chewing my sock and was laying on his back.
She walked in there laughing at him, and then suddenly started fussing at me saying DON'T LET HIM BITE YOUR SOCK. HE'LL THINK IT'S OKAY TO BITE EVERYONE'S SOCKS AND SHOES. YOU'RE TEACHING HIM BAD THINGS. HE'S GOING TO BITE SOMEBODY BLAH BLAH BLAH.

But she lets him bite her when she's in her lap.
Okay. Whatever sinks your ship.

In the beginning of working on her closet.. all I could really do was stand and watch, and occasionally get something for her.
I don't know how to do things like that, and I didn't even know what exactly she was planning on doing it.


Working with her on a project is the most frustrating thing ever.
I have to let her do most of it, because if I mess up a little bit...
I get yelled at and degraded.


For instance, she told me to move this drill and drop cord that it was plugged into, and she attempted to help me move it.
She had some of the drop cord in her hand.
I had the drill in my hand, and was she told me to move the rest of the drop cord that was on the floor into the other room first.
I was trying to walk into the other room like she asked,
but I couldn't because she was holding the end of the cord that was plugged into the drill, so I couldn't even bend down to get the rest of it...
She was oblivious to this, and got so fucking mad so quickly..
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO IT. CAN'T YOU DO WHAT I TOLD YOU."

I snapped right back at her.
I told her I couldn't move because she had the cord...

She said "I'M SORRY."
I couldn't tell if it were sarcastic or not.

Like, fine? You want me to let go of the drill and let it wrecking ball style smash your knee, go ahead.

Then she had issues with me not shining the flashlight on the holes she was drilling the second she wanted it.
I had to turn it off between drilling, because the batteries were already weak.... but you know, I'm still a useless fuckup.

I was so angry and bitter all day long today.

We didn't finish the entire thing, and I didn't get to eat dinner until 9 o'clock pm..

And the stupid part is.. I have a lot more energy now. Now that I can finally sleep.

My cousin and aunt came over.. and I tried talking to them...
Something I've grown to accept is that talking to them is pointless.
They don't really want to listen.

Back to the break-up part...

I honestly am so confused right now.

I don't want him back, it's nothing like that...

But all this time I thought I'd be happy after I broke up with him..
But I'm not.

I've felt so angry and depressed all day long...

I wasn't happy in the relationship.

I've wanted out of it for so long, and now that I'm finally out of it.. I'm STILL not satisfied.

What the hell is wrong with me?


It's hard to grasp that.. I'm alone now, kinda.
Like... I invested over a year's worth of my time into it..
and it's over now.


I have to readjust to a new normal.

It was normal for me to lie to him.
It was normal for me to pretend I was okay.
It was normal for me to put off breaking up with him...


I feel so low.

The happy memories.. the actual good times we had forever ago keep coming into my brain, and I can't help but wonder..

Is this normal?

This is my first serious relationship.. my kinda first break-up..
It's my first break-up irl.. the first time I did the dumping.


We're talking now. As if nothing's ever happened.
As if I've never seen him naked, and he's never seen my chest.
And the weirder part is.. it's easier to talk to him like this..
in all of it's awkwardness...
Then when we were together,
and I don't even understand it.


I can't believe how much this sucks.


We have a new puppy now.

I knew it would happen...

My cousin Amanda and her husband bought a Yorkie puppy.
Despite having a big ass hound dog named Chief.

It started out as just us babysitting him,
but..
they realized that it wasn't going to work living with their horse of a dog.

So, my grandpa bought him from them...
So now he circulates back and forth.

He's at our house during the day,
He's at Rhonda's at night. (my aunt, Amanda's mom)
He's at Amanda's for visits.

When Amanda told us she was going to get rid of him...
Grandma complained to me about how she'd want to have him...
Except PAPA didn't ask if we could have him.

Papa decided on his own... just so they could all still have him...
That he'd buy him from them.
That's what she wanted, right?

But then today she's all
"Yeah, I was excited about babysitting him, but I don't know about keeping him all the time. I'm too old for this."


In my head I'm like "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK."

I was helping babysit him..

but now, I have to stay in the living room all the time to watch him.
I can't leave even when she's in there because she'll have to get up and do something..

I like him...

I just wish I didn't get stuck with doing everything for once.

R and E? (My brothers) They'll play with him, but as far as taking care of him? They won't even offer.
They don't even take care of Rocky...


And another thing I feel bad for Rocky.

Rocky has always seen grandma as his mama.. but I'm his second favorite person..

Rocky loves me and hangs out with me, and sleeps in my bed at night.

Grandma is paying so much attention to the new puppy...
That Rocky just.. doesn't really have much to do with her now.


Rocky was "her" baby and everything..

The power bill has gone up to $300..
And she's threatened to take down the Internet if it got that high.

She's threatened over and over and over to do it.
It never happens.


You know.. we now have 2 fridges. Papa has an oxygen machine.
It's wintertime and we have to have heat...


But no, it's the Internet making the power so expensive.

She ranted all day long about how the Internet is going down...


All I could think about... was just losing my head.

A thought that kept circulating around in my head today was...

-Them yelling at me about the puppy
-Me snapping
-Me yelling: "Yeah, how about just get of it? Get rid of Rocky and Cookie too while you're at it? HEY HOW ABOUT YOU KICK ME, R AND E OUT TOO. LET'S JUST DO WHAT YOU'VE WANTED SINCE I WAS FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD....
-Me *Smashes something*... walks out the door and to T's house...
calls Nick... and beg him to just come get me.

I have a feeling.. I'll end up having to leave.

Danny is an option....
But honestly... I couldn't ask him.
He's having a baby soon.. meeting his mother-in-law for the first time.

I'd feel so guilty asking him to take me in..

And even though I know he would...

I'd still have to be here.
In this miserable shitty, middle-of-nowhere town...
getting nowhere with my life.


And I'd still have to be around them...
I'd still have to see her after leaving.


Everyone in the family will be convinced that I'm the brat..
She's the angel...


If I leave... I just want to get away from here.

Nick has said it's a possibility that I could live with him and his family....

I know.. it would be a stupid thing to do.

No job.
No car or license.
No money.

You know there's a problem..
When that looks more promising..


All I want to do is write my personal stories all day.

I've been remembering things like crazy...
and when I finally get to sit down and write..
I've already forgotten it...

I have to spend all day long doing things for them...
and the only time I have for myself is at night.
By then I'm just way too tired to write.
I stay up really late....because my sleeping schedule is fucked.

and then I sleep late, or have to get up early..
Have no energy all day.

I need a haircut.
I need to cut my nails...
I need to start doing laundry more often...
Start wearing a different outfit everyday or every other day..
and stop rewearing the same outfit for days and days and days...
I need to start straightening my hair again...
and stop with the stupid toddler hairstyle.
I need to get my sleep schedule back.


I feel ugly..
I feel like shit all the time..


I need to make some gummy candy.

I need to start being myself again...
And stop this disgusting.. blah I've become..

Sincerely,
TruckDriver





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