Icarus Can't Find The Middleground
"Digging Holes" by Icarus Himself [!!!]
January 26, 2016 Tuesday 11:50 PM
I was going to say, "My anxiety is acting up again," but then that makes it sound kinda like a skin condition. But, well, it IS and the entire world feels disgusting to the touch and I'm so conflicted because the dirtiness is fascinating, fascinating, fascinating but it fucking hurts and I start to forget what beauty is – because sometimes the 'ugly' things are what I find most pleasing to the eye. I don't know where I was going with this.
All I know is I'm feeling kind of pathetic and here is an imagined scenario:
It would be the middle of the night and I'd sit up, Liv next to me half-asleep. All whispering and dramatic, I'd say, "I'm sorry." Her reply would be a slurred, "Whaa??" and I'd lie back down, saying, "Nothing. Goodnight."
I hate this entire 'fantasy' just because it is exactly something middle-school-me would dream up. I shouldn't be so hard on my past self. She was confused. I'm confused. But I mean, she was MORE confused. Yeah, okay.
Anyway, the whole thing feels fake but the idea is so alluring because I'd never have the guts to apologize out loud, mostly because I know she'd ask why and if I told her the truth, she'd probably tell me that I'm being dumb or something and I'd want to believe her only I wouldn't.
In the end, I would be left with bad feelings in my tummy worsened by the fact that I just admitted to a real, live human being that... That what?
Well, it's hard to sum up in a few words. I've written an entry about it, way back in the pre-hospital era. Faded, faded.
"I'm sorry." Okay. Actually, yeah, that pretty much embodies everything I was trying to say, except following those words comes the question, "Why?"
I bite my tongue because I don't KNOW why, I just know I've done something, and it's like I'm betraying everyone I love just by existing which makes no sense but it's an emotion that seems to be with me constantly (I might be imagining the whole 'constant' thing, though, because as I've said before, when I'm feeling one way, I tend to believe I've felt that way for longer than I can remember).
I'm sorry for not being enough, sorry for being so quiet, sorry for not understanding, sorry for being selfish, sorry for being sorry, all this stupid stuff that I know isn't... isn't... warranted?
I mean, I say I know it isn't warranted but that's not exactly true. I don't really kNOW. Jesus, I doubt everything. Figures. Its just, nothing I think makes any sense and yet my thoughts are the most predictable things I've ever encountered.
God, I'm so stupid. I don't hate myself. Actually, the problem seems to be the opposite.
Dad says empathetic people are the most selfish and I think the word has an altered meaning to those who study psychology for a living, but in either definition of the word, it's pretty fucking true.
Actions, actions are supposed to be how one judges character but I never DO anything so all I have are my insides and that's not good either.
I don't want to think about me anymore. I use myself to understand other people but sometimes I think it's not worth it, sometimes I think I've gone too far and I've just become some kind of weird, self-conscious blob that doesn't deserve human attention. Most of all, I wish I were a ghost so I could just observe, observe, observe since that's all I want. I want to feel, and this can be done through other people, that's how I like it.
But onto less depressing subjects.
A LIST OF THINGS, I GUESS:
1. I dunno. On some day last week, I made eye contact with this kid – I will call him Lion, because he has very red hair and it reaches a little past his shoulders, and it's very fluffy, reminds me of a lion's mane – and it was strange.
Liv is friends with him. He's a year younger than me, but way smarter (and, according to live, more arrogant but not enough to be a complete asshole). He's got strange eyes. Beady. And very pale skin. He's also really lanky, reminds me of some kind of gangly animal I can't name, but none of it is unattractive. Actually, I think he's very attractive. I find a lot of boys attractive, though, which I suspect my friend's would think is out of my nature but it really isn't.
I think people are beautiful and hideous and it's all so strange.
I am mentioning the eye contact just because I feel like this has happened one other time. In the hallway, and I averted my eyes real quick because Lion's expression tends to be on the intense side while my emotions tend to be on the fearful side so I scattered with my heart thumping (these aren't romantic feelings. Maybe they could be, if I ever even fucking knew the guy, haha, but no. It's pure fear, pure possibility, slapping me in the face).
This time, he averted his eyes and that gave me a weird satisfaction. I looked up and he was probably looking at the chalkboard behind my head, but we made eye contact which Lion quickly broke and usually, with everyone, I'm the one to back down so it was okay. It was okay.
A tiny moment with little significance, and I probably managed to misunderstand the whole situation, but hey. I'll never know, and that means it shouldn't matter.
2. Liv has been here at my house since Sunday afternoon. I'm kind of sick of her, actually, which is weird since I normally don't get that way. Still, sometimes I want to get mad at her but usually about really dumb things so I can't bring myself to actually DO it – so I don't. It's easier if I don't.
She may or may not be asleep right now. Her eyes are closed. Hmm.
I don't think I'm actually ever mad at Liv. I think all those annoyances actually come from my own fear of everything ever.
I get scared so easily, and I forget that – I mean, some days I have thick skin but not lately and I'd hate to be annoying (which is funny because usually the fear of being annoying results in me being super fucking annoying) but okay. Anyway.
Liv said nice things to me on Sunday. We were talking about a lot of things, including Lion, and I said stuff about intelligence – explaining to her why I didn't like that people are still pestering me about my grade last semester, a grade that I most certainly will not maintain. But that last part isn't important.
Unfortunately, I can't remember anything specific she said, but Liv was saying generally good things that left me with generally good feelings. Good.
3. Liv and Alexis were around for a bit. They slept over last night (Liv has been at my house for almost three days now).
It was good, I guess. We laughed so fucking much and talked about sex a lot, haha. They kept asking me who'd I'd have sex with when the truth is that I can't answer that question!
I'm not like Liv, who is a sexual being.
Don't get me wrong, I get horny and I masturbate but only sporadically because usually I'm more focused on thoughts and school, writing and my future. I dunno. I think about boys a lot, but never in depth because that fosters too much hope.
Point is, I wouldn't have sex with anyone I don't know too well which sounds lame as fucking fuck but it's the honest to god truth.
Trust me, I wish I could have sex with whoever but the fact is that I don't... do that. With my head, I mean. Ugh. What?
So yeah. Alexis said, "Paul?" And, I mean, a better question would've been, "Who would you make out with?" and in that case I'd say yeah because I like Paul, he's cute, but sex is too far for me, even in my imagination.
I think this'll change after I have sex at least once. That's why I just want to get it out of the way, but then I'd never rush into it because the only things I rush into are activities that I don't feel are emotionally harmful (physical harm is not as much an issue) so I... have quite the dilemma.
(OKAY, I only know a few things that I like whilst engaging myself in sexual activities, one of them being biting but anyway I can't think of any others right now. We'll see. Well, I'll see and you'll read.)
3. Oh yeah, Alexis said Adrian thinks I'm hot. I wonder how truthful this is. I think Alexis was the one who brought up my hotness level and he just agreed but I mean, he's Adrian. I don't trust that.
I don't trust it because he's the type to not admit his honest opinion until after you acknowledge it... You know?
Like this one time, I was painting something and I messed up part of it but was all *shrug* I'll fix it tomorrow. So I did, and as soon as that happened, Adrian peeks over my shoulder and goes, "Oh good, I HATED the way you had it painted before."
The honesty is not what I have an issue with here. It's that he wasn't honest until after the fact?
As my sister put it when I described the situation, "He's the type of person who wouldn't tell you you had food stuck in your teeth until after you got it out," or something that sounded a little more pleasing to the ears.
To make up for that criticism, I'm just gonna remind you that Adrian is the nicest guy ever. Sometimes, that can be a problem, but usually not. He appreciates a lot of things most people don't notice. He's a talented artist and a perceptive human being. That is why Adrian is good, despite the things I sometimes say about him, okay?
(Part of me worries that one day, he'll read this and be hurt and I wouldn't want him to think that all I saw in him were these bad things. Of course, that little paragraph isn't enough to sum up all the good things Adrian contains but I figure I can continue at some later date)
4. I went ice skating with Lily, Laney, and Jay today (and in case you were wondering, Liv and Alexis were still at my house as this was happening haha).
Jay is my first kiss, by the way. I haven't mentioned him in forever.
The ice skating was a lot of fun, okay. Just being around them was fun. I missed them and Lily has been weird lately so I just... wanted to erase that strangeness???? Eh.
Jay was super cool too. Laney asked him to prom and he said yes, it was real fucking cute! I got to film, haha.
I'm actually glad I saw Jay – I was dreading it – because I forgot that there were some good memories too. Huh. See, usually all I remember is that I didn't kiss back and then I ran out of the tent, sat on Lily's porch swing for an hour trying not to think because–
I didn't stop him. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I guess I expected to be sure of myself during my first kiss, which I wasn't, and yeah anyway. I forgot that earlier that night we'd talked a lot and it was just nice. I saw him a couple times after that and it wasn't too weird. Laney says he's a flirt. He kind of is. It's okay, though.
5. I!!! Have to pee!!! Why do I always drink a shitload of water before writing!!!!
6. I am unhappy right now but also okay.
7. I want to write more. Not even about anything in particular. Just some stuff I've noticed...
8. I HAVEN'T MENTIONED THIS BUT MEEKAH HAS BEEN IN MY LIFE PRETTY OFTEN SINCE THE SCHOOL YEAR STARTED AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT OKAY. I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND MUST WRITE ABOUT HER MORE OFTEN. She's the girl in my profile picture for this diary, haha (us in freshman year, woot).
Someone said this to me, I can't remember who:
"I bit my nails and one got stuck between my teeth."
I was also thinking about eye pockets. More specifically, the eye pockets of this kid in the YMCA program I go to. He's in eighth grade, very quiet and seems kind of sad. I ate some of his Extreme Sour Strip things the other day with Meekah.
LIST I WROTE:
Boy with eye pockets
Girl that worked at a restaurant on weekends
Depressing supermarket whose neon lights drowned out the light of the moon
SOMETHING MY MOM SAID:
"Can you feel your bones? I can feel my bones."
SOMETHING I'M NOT SURE I HEARD:
"The words take off their clothes."
SOME STUPID SHIT THAT SANDWICH SAYS:
"Did you talk to Joe?"
"No, who's joe?"
"Did you go to the Boston Marathon? It was a blast."
[sorry if that last one offended anyone. I'm a fan of sick jokes but I know they can really hurt people.
Alexis was annoyed that Sandwich has double standards. He'll joke about pretty much any disaster but not 9/11 even if it isn't as severe as some other things because of his personal connection to it which she thinks is kind of... I dunno, hypocritical? Something like that... only because he likes to say people shouldn't be so sensitive.
But then, I think if someone really did tell him they were offended by his Boston Marathon jokes – or something with the same kind of theme – he'd probably apologize and back off. I dunno. He's a strange person and I don't find very many things offensive.]
GOODNIGHT. I FEEL.... OK? Better, I think. :)
I'm sorry I haven't answered your email, Dale.
I'll do it this week, since I don't have any school (it's a testing week).
Started watching Peaky Blinders. It's fucking awesome.
Also started watching Portlandia. Another kewl show.