A lady in the crowd
Living With Trauma.
01-09-16 2:22 AM
I wasn't expecting today to be an emotional day. When events go beyond the norms it switches things up a notch. Today we attended two workshops. The founders of the SIVB program asked us to describe major events that happened in our past. Not many people ask me about my past, so I took this as an opportunity to confess.
For years, I have written about darker times but I've never spoken about it out loud. I told myself I was ready to speak about the time when life itself turned upside down. I thought I was ready but after I finished my story I completely fell apart. Knowing that I wasn't the only one who got sentimental was a comforting thought. Kim, Gabriel, and Fernanda also gave compelling life stories. Kim burst into tears when she brought up troubled times from when earned bad grades. She felt like she wasn't good enough to please her parents. Meanwhile Gabriel told us how it felt like to tell the World he is gay. There was a mixture of both acceptance and rejection. He was about to tell us about his sit-down talks he had with his therapist who helped him cope with bullying. He paused, nearly cried, and said he wasn't ready to talk about it.
One of the founders of the program, Lilia Rod, and I had a one and one talk about being sexually abused. While Lilia's tormenting past dealt with molested by her cousin at the age of 6, my trauma was nearly being raped not so long ago. Together we were bonded by a mental prison of repressed memories. For a year of my life I was stalked and touched without consent by a person's name who I will not speak of. We spoke about how woman tend to be victims of sexual predators. I questioned whether woman were really inferior to men. "Are we easy targets?", I asked her. Contrary to my belief that woman are weak, she hugged me and told me I am a strong young lady. She held me tight in her arms. This comforted me like a trembling child who had just woke up from a nightmare. Her kind words lifted my spirit up and I realized I still have a long journey to go when it comes to healing.
Bad memories will no longer haunt me because those ghost are only a part of my imagination. I will tell myself those seventeen words over and over until I believe them. I'm reading the healing books Lilia has recommended, and I will also seek professional help.