LustingforNightmares

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2016-01-24 16:09:36 (UTC)

A Conversation On The Subject Of Relationships


"Salinger At The Cliff Face" by Jon Senna [this is pretty good. reminds me of good things]

"Cat Faces" by Ugly Casanova

[this kills me – wait??? I never use that phrase??? Not in years at least. I've been reading J.D. Salinger is the thing. Read some Catcher In The Rye and that depressing short story, A Perfect Day For Bananafish]

My hearts stopped pumping but my blood is still alive.
The rain hits the ground and the trees they dry it up. (Swallows drop in and dice the sky)
My eyes wake up but my brain is sleeping fine. (Tracing lines of cursive on the horizon)
One more thing for you and I to do before (Cuttin' cat faces in the pine)
We shut our eyes, and that's blame (Cuttin' cat faces in the pine)
Me and I'll blame you, and we're both right.
Cuttin cat faces in the pines
They say his teeth are wood and they want my pictures of him. (Mark the path back to the point of departure)
The rain hits the ground and the trees they dry it up. (2 by 2 and 4 by 4, the pines, they lay down)
We're wood screws, all of our lives
Yeah, we're wood screws, all of our lives
The rain hits the ground and the trees they dry it up. (Well I laid down with the southern rage)
My chain hits the wood and the wood it turns to dust. (Swallows drop in and dice the sky)
I picture you as if you were a pine (Tracing lines of cursive on the horizon)
My hearts stopped pumping but my blood is still alive


January 24, 2016 Sunday 3:13 PM

It's regents week, starting tomorrow, which means I have no school for most days. I only have to go in for a couple hours tomorrow to take a PreCalc test in the afternoon. The best part is that there's no minimum time limit since it's a college course so... maybe I can get out "early." Although I doubt it. I'm a slow test taker, which is fine. PreCalc is easy anyway.

Okay.

This is a conversation I had with Alexis last week, at a time when I probably should have been doing homework.

-----

Alexis:
have you ever had a boyfriend


Me:
no i haENT
HAVENT
MY LIFE IS A LONELY ON
*ONE
(I'm thinking the not-having-a-boyfriend thing is part of my not being into romantic stuff but!!!! im not asexual!!! mostly lol)


Alexis:
(But like I'm not either I kind of force myself to I think but Idk high school relationships are weird like I can only see you in a were-best-friends-that-occasionally-kissandshit kind of relationship)


[PAUSE: Adrian said the same thing about me when we were talking about relationships last week or the week before. As usual, I mentioned the fact that I shy from romantic type stuff and he told me that I seem like the type of person to be in a relationship that's basically a close friendship with kissing and sex and stuff, which is accurate. I've never been able to imagine it any other way.]


Me:
YEA SAME I CAN ONLY SEE ME IN THOSE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS TOO
not with liv tho
so many ppl think we r lesbians
biut i mean
people thought i was a lesbian anyway
I HATE GOING ON DATES DATES ARE TERRIBLE UGH HOW ARE U SPOSED TO MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE U DONT EVEN LIKE
how do u force urself to be romantic?????
jesus i cant ebven imagine


Alexis:
OH I REMWMBER YOUR DATE WITH QUENTIN
BUT OH ITS TERRIBLE OKAY LIKE IM TRYING TO FLOAT PAST THE AWKWARD STAGE
But nah I've never thought of you as lesbians together


[PAUSE: I'm glad she never thought of us as lesbians. As much as I hate to say it, it kind of bothers me when people think I'm gay which I think is weird because I can't remember a time in which I actually had something against any person on the spectrum of sexuality, but still]


Me:
YEA ME TOO TBH I JUST WNANA DATE SO I CAN GET PAST THE WIERDNESS OF IT ALL
cool u cAn c throoth
*trooth


Alexis:
WELL STEP 1
FUIND A PARTNER


Me:
THAT IS THE HARDEST STERP
OTHER THAN KEEPING THEM
I CANNOT FIND A PARTNER
HELP
I THINK
WELL TRY TO HELP


Alexis:
LIKE HELP HELP
OR THIS IS A GOODNIDEA AT THE MOMENT HELP
I DONT KNOW COOL PEOPLE
WHATS EVEN YOUR TYPE
DO YOU HAVE ONE


Me:
I HAVE A TYPE
KIND OF
UM
ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH APPEARANCE MY TEENSY CRUSHES BOUNCE ALL OVER THE PLACE APPEARANCE WISE
I JUST WANT THE TYPICAL THINGS
-SENSE OF HUMOR THAT I LIKE
-SMARTNESS (THIS IS KIND OF HARD TO GAUGE BC INTELLIGENCE IS SUBJECTIVE UGH WHATEVER)
-WONT TAKE ME TO A FANCY RESTAURANT
-i think i like relaxed people. high strung can b kind of hard to deal with bc im high strung/????????
jesus i dont even know
what do u think my type is
i want to know


Alexis:
I need to think hold up
Like a mix of Adrian and paul
I've actually thought of this before
Like not appearance but like Paul's fuck it attitude toward everything
And Adrian's mind
And like they need to be kind of offensive but not like assholes but just a funny offensive joke every now and again


Me:
yes
true
only they cant be pretentious
Adrian can be kind of
pretentious yeah


Alexis:
Yea see that's why only a few things of Adrian
Just his deep thinking stuff


Me:
yes
yes
but now
who the hell is like that
i wish we could just force them to birth a baby
and then make it grow
super fast


Alexis:
I pictured them in the birthing room together
Adrian holding Paul's hand


Me:
Adrian is the omne giving birth in my mind


Alexis:
Its a boy
SAME
But I think that's a given


Me:
yes yes it is
i can imagine the sex life
but im not sure i want to


Alexis:
I think this conversation is taking a dark turn
But part of me wants to keep going down it
Anyway


Me:
is anything gonna come after that
bc i was staring at the screen and it felt like a long silence


Alexis:
Cum


Me:
GODDAMIT ALEXIS
IM MAD BECAUSE THTS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING


Alexis:
THATS ALL I COUKD THINK
I can't think of how this future boy would look
He'd be mysterious


Me:
ew
but yeah


Alexis:
Like the guys in books that don't actually exist anywhere


Me:
someone told me i was mysterious once


Alexis:
Actually [insert name of some guy in my school] is what he would look like
There we go


Me:
I typed in "[insert name of some guy in my school]" and got this
http://www.themysterycafeindy.com/thecompany/


Alexis:
I'm laughing
[I meant] The guy that sits next to jeff in apush


Me:
OHHH
i thought he was famous
or something
yeah idk doesnt he have jock friends tho? not that that means hes uninteresting but
i dont get in wit that crowd
he also looks kind of angry and concerned half the time
also fine
but like
u kno?


Alexis:
No that's what I mean
He's mysterious


Me:
!! no
mysterious lol


Alexis:
!!yes
Cuz like he should be part of that crowd but they never really accepted him ya know
Was there a dark middle school thing


Me:
that reminds me of those srtupid romance books in which the guy is like an angel or vampire or some shit and he's very angry and he at some point pushes the girl up against the wall and then goes "no.... i camnt do this..." and runs away


Alexis:
Is he just shy


Me:
meanwhile i vomit in my mouth


Alexis:
Maybe he doesn't even like that crowd


Me:
but wait isn't he in that crowd???


Alexis:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA


Me:
ur confusing me


Alexis:
is he ?


Me:
i think so??
laney talks about him


Alexis:
He's always kind of just by himself


Me:
so i feel like yes


Alexis:
I've only seen him talk to J [PAUSE: wow he hasn't been mentioned in forever]
Maybe jeff a couple times


Me:
thats not a great sign
oh
jeff is ok
i like jeff
but J


Alexis:
Jeff is funny


Me:
well i like him too
but u know


Alexis:
Ehh J


Me:
i like him less than i once did [PAUSE: something i will not admit to alexis is that i used to have a crush on J. Gross]


Alexis:
I talk to him BC I know he CAN be a nice guy
Same yea


Me:
alexis dont tell anyone but jeff used to go to my elementary school and i used to be mean to him bc i had a crush on him
thats all gone now but i always feel a lil guilty
i dont wanna remind him tho


Alexis:
Am I allowed to laugh
Cuz I'm laughing


Me:
bc i dont htink he recognizes me????? hopefully?
hahahaha


Alexis:
Please bring it up


Me:
NO


Alexis:
If you both ever get in conversation bring it up


Me:
NO
we got in convo on friday
DUDE


Alexis:
Woah


Me:
I WAS RLLY TIRED ON FRIDAY
AND LIKE


Alexis:
Is he the one


Me:
LIV LOOOKED UP MY HOROSCOPPE
AND I WAS LIKE "IS IT GONNA SAY IM SLEEPY"
AND IT LITERALLLY DID


Alexis:
IS he THE one


Me:
I WAS LAUGHING
jeff was a scorpio and apparently he has to abandon bad habits
Sandwich is also a scorpio


Alexis:
uh oh
Maybe he does drugs
Oh


Me:
tHATS WHAT JHE SAID


Alexis:
He came to school high oncre


Me:
*he said
o really
so did u
lol
im laughing about that


Alexis:
It made me happy bc like smart people should be able to do dumb shit


Me:
YEAH ROIGHT
?????
i wanna smoke


Alexis:
But no I did more than once I can conceal it when I want to
SAMEEEE


Me:
im friends with this kid isaac who is apparently a well known pot head and he offered to sell me alcohol


Alexis:
I know Isaac


Me:
o yeas
hes cool


Alexis:
He may or may not rip you off


Me:
rlly?????? wowwwwwwww


Alexis:
He seems like the type that maybe would


Me:
no i dunno hes actually nice
he just comes off as mean bc his face has like no expression


Alexis:
I laughed
But see that's why I say maybe woukd
Rushmore teuies to rip everyone off


Me:
but thats Rushmore
yeiugh


Alexis:
Never buy drugs from Rushmore


Me:
i will never
i probs will avoid talking to him too
liv rlly wants to get high too


Alexis:
Y


Me:
i just dont like Rushmore that much
no offense
i used to
but hes really pushy
and it makes me uncomfortable. i wish i were chill enough to b ok with it but im nit


Alexis:
Nah I don't much either he's like another J byut Idk I like to see the good in people and it makes me happy when I find it like when nates not being an ass he's pretty okay
But yea pushy
And goes too far


Me:
yea! he is pretty ok when hes not an ass
just like J can be really cool sometimes
like we bonded bc we were imagining him being a kick ass girl
but anyway. (the sentence ends here do not expect anything else)


Alexis:
I wasn't actually you end many thoughts with but anyway
Oh
Secrets
Allie likes paul
She told me
But secrets


Me:
secrets
HAHAH
does paul reciprocate?
liv is kinda into him a bit too
but yknow shes liv and she'd be fine
if it didnt turn out


Alexis:
I'm gonna try to see if he'd be interested by making it seem like I have a lesbian crush on her
But no yea I knew that she told burger "i'd tap that" about Paul to him
But yea I'm just gonna be like you know who's pretty hot ? Allie
And actually
I'm gonna do it with liv too
That's how guy talk works


Me:
real casual
"thats how guy talk works"
write a book


Alexis:
One day
OH
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS STICKER


Me:
NO
MAYBE


Alexis:
*insert sticker of a man who looks like ron swanson crying a single tear. in the background the sun sets upon a forest with a single, log cabin and a bird flies overhead*
Man tears


Me:
ME ME MEMEME
THATS HOW I CRY


Alexis:
IT S MY FAVORITE THING
WAIT REALLY
JUST THE SINGLE TEAR


Me:
(me in real life crying: snot covered and sniffling in a corner with my knees up to my chest trying to edge out of the room like a crab so no one sees)
THE SINGLE TEAR YEA
ME


Alexis:
I HAVNT CRIED SINCE LIKE 9TH GRADE
WELL I DID ONCE BUT THAT TIME DOESNT COUNT
AMY WAS HYSTERICALLY CYRING THE OTHER NIGHT BECAUSE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HOW SHES MOVING THIS SUMMER AND I LAUGHED
I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT SHE STARTED CRYING
WHERE ARE MY EMOTIONS


Me:
OH MY GOD
IM LAUGHING
IM ABOUT TO CRY-LAUGH ACTUALLY
I ALMOST CRY LIKE EVERY NIGHT JESUS
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH YOUR FEELINGS
WHERE DOES YOUR STRESS GO
HOW DO U DEAL
I AM SO CONFUSED AND CURIOU
S


Alexis:
I
DONT
KNOW
LIKE I THINK THERES A PROBLEM
LIKE YOU KNOW HOW IN DEMOS [demos are this thing in Peer Leadership where basically it's like a session – similar to therapy – but it's in front of the whole group instead of one person] THEY START OFF WITH EVERYONE LIKE "NAH THERES NOTHING WRONG I MEAN LIKE MAYBE THIS ONE THING"
AND THEN ALL THESE FEELINGS JUST COME OUT FROM SOMEWHERE DOWN THERE
IT CONFUSES ME SO MUCH
LIKE IVE TRIED DOING THAT BUT THERES NO FEELINGS TO GRAB FROM DOWN THERE


Me:
MAYBE YOU'RE JUST REALLY GOOD AT DEALING WITH THINGS
MAYBE YOU'D CRY IF SOMEONE DIED
HYE BTW
DONT KNOW IF I TOLD U THIS BUT
YOU R ALLOWED TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT MY DEATH
OK RESUME REGULAR PROGRAMMING
(u might even b encouraged to make jokes about my death)


Alexis:
ACTUALLY YAY


Me:
(I can write it down in case people don't believe you)


Alexis:
BECAUSE I WOUKD MOST LIKELEY MAKE JOKES BECAUSE
THERES NO OTHER WAY TO DEAL
HEY
THERES THE PATTERN


Me:
OH DAMN
NOW U CAN SESSION ABOUT IT


Alexis:
NO


Me:
BUT SAME. I MAKE JKES ABOUT SICK THINGS TOO
BUT I CRY SO THERES A DIFFERENCE
DO TV SHOWS MAK U CRY
(mr rayes [our english teacher, the semi famous author] book made me cry)


Alexis:
I SAY THEY DO LIKE SOMETIMES IM LIKE WOW SO SAD (LIKE WITH RAYES BOOK) AND I MIGHT BE DOWN FOR A LITTKE WHILE BUT THE TEARS NEVER COME
BUT YEA SICK JOJKES MAKRE THE WORLD GO ROUND


Me:
I ACTUALLY WROTE THE OFFICIAL NOTICE
IT IS HANGING IN MY BEDROOM NOW


Alexis:
"if i die make sick jokes"


Me:
BUT DUDE. I FEEL. TO A CERTAIN EXTENT AT LEAST. IDK WHAT ITS LIKE TO NOT CRY
ITS FANCIER THAN THAT


Alexis:
ITS LIKE
WEIRD
LIKE I FEEL LUKE I SHOUKD BE CRYING
BUT DONT
BUT
SHOW ME IT


Me:
SO MUCH THERAPY
OR
OR
MAYBE U ARE THE ONLY OK PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
HOLD OM
LEMME TAKE A PIC


"OFFICIAL NOTICE
As of January 2016, those who know/knew me are allowed to make jokes concerning my death (whether it happens 2 days or 20 years from now). I even encourage it.
And if you don't know me want to mock my state of.... unbeing? Then in that case, I can't stop you so feel free.
There.
Now if you make distasteful jokes, no one can say anything bc I gave you permission.

Officially,
Veronica

PS: I shoulda used the word "hereby"


Alexis:
I enjoy this

----

I was going to continue posting the conversation, but it went on for quite awhile. I just wanted to save this part. I like talking to Alexis.

Liv is over write now. She's watching Rick and Morty (the "get schwifty" episode) I should start my essay.

I have this weird fascination with children in dark situations. Like, their innocence against the world's dirtiness.

I mean, kids are dirty too, but they're dirty in the different way. They're dirty in the sort of way where they don't know how to pronounce "masturbate" but they'll shun a kid for being a lil gay. Kids are weird and evil and capable of murder just like adults but somehow it's different.

They're is just something very sad about the way children see the world and how that view is inevitably destroyed.

I've been thinking more about my future.

If I get into the World Sciences program, I think I'll do my projects on neuroscience and psychology.

Lately, I've been writing over a thousand words a day.

I'm going to have Liv read a piece of fiction I wrote. I hope it's good. And then, I hope it's not worthless either. I mostly use my writing to explore emotion and human interaction, as I always have. Is that important at all, though? Is it worth writing?

I don't want to make something stupid.

I love this song.

I have to pee.

Bye.


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