MOVING To a New Life
Wow. There is so much going on emotionally that I am not sure where to begin. For the first time in my life I am feeling the loss that accompanies moving. I never felt it before.
Before, when I was young, I was moving all the time. I'd move from my mothers to my grandparents. Then when I was old enough to talk, I was asked where I wanted to live and moved back in with my mother and her 2nd husband. Man was that a mistake. I tried to go back to my grandparents. I snuck out of the house and walked to my grandparents house. They told me I had to go back. I was 6? 8? years old. I didn't understand why.
At soe point I moved back in with my grandparents. I moved with my mother to a neighboring town when she separated from her 2nd husband. OH I hated living in Tarboro. Such a sucky little experience. Bleh.
Then I moved back in with my gparents, in 8th grade. That must have sucked for them. I was adolescent and starting to stretch and rebel. I was angry, but didn't realize it, or know why. I had no experience exploring my inner emotional life and weather systems.
Then at some point I lived with my stepdad because I could do what I wanted there. I was in high school. And sometime later, moved out of my grandparents for good, moving in with a high-school girlfriend. We stressed my friends grandmother out a bit living there.
Anyway, here I am, about to move with my fiance and baby girl to a new state. It has triggered all kinds of inner landmines. After living in this NC town for 20 years, I have established a network of friends and community. In all my life it has taken years to flush out and move through the pain enough so that I could let in and experience more closeness to others.
Now that I have begun to establish that, I a about to move to a new community and so am feeling the grief and loss of what we have here.
It is not that I am not excited, I am. I'm very excited in fact, I look forward to connecting with the community there, going to the local UU, going to meetups, meeting other moms and neighbors and trekking into the city to experience museums and culture and food.
I am just, for the first time, going to miss what I am leaving behind. In the past, I just looked forward to something better, because I was always leaving something unpleasant. I was always leaving some pain. This time, that is not the case.
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