✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-01-19 05:21:07 (UTC)

Detox


Dear Reader,

I managed to hold myself together all day.
And now... I guess it's all sinking in.

I'm very tired, but I wanted to write this.
I know this entry may not make any sense, but I just can't go into details tonight. This is a story that I was bound to tell at some point.
Right now, I just need to unload the thoughts from my head.


I was a different person when I started this diary.
I was a different person when I started my first diary.
I was a different person when I wrote the entry that lead me to meeting him. July 28, 2012.


It's so easy to go back on my word, you know?
Despite that I know very well what will happen.
A broken record, playing the same broken song.
It can't be changed.
At least not now.
It's so easy to relapse, as Nick calls it.

But I have to be strong.

I decided in the car to pick up my brother,
that today's the day I walk away.
Today. Estelle's birthday.
The voice actress for my favorite character on a TV show I love.
I decided what to say.

I keep rereading the conversations...
and I keep listening to the song that I listened too,
Every night I was awake.. crying over him.
Growing increasingly fed up.
The song I listened to that day I broke down on the way to school.
All because of what she said about my favorite gloves.
And I cried so hard sitting at the table with Alex and Andeh in the library.

Remember what song it is?

I know getting upset about it, makes me a hypocrite.
I dated other people too.
But he knew... how it would make me feel.

I stopped trusting him a long time ago.

And.. I knew something was wrong.
I knew he was hiding something.


He took pieces of me.
Memories.


He's the first I sexted.
He's the first I loved.
He's seen my body.

He wasn't the first to see it though.

I was growing closer to undressing all the way for him.

The last time we made love over skype,
I held back.

It felt strange to be naked for him.

Demisexuality is like a locked door that only special people can have the key too.

The door's lock had been replaced.

The last time we skyped, I felt so broken.
I was so full of things I wanted to say.
Things I wanted to show him.
Lots of things that sat around me on my bed to show him.
I couldn't see his face.
But it was so strange.
I kept feeling like I wasn't supposed to be there.
I was so full of things I wanted to share,
but suddenly didn't feel like sharing them.
I wanted to cry.. I wanted him to save me again.
I wanted to run as far as my legs would carry me away.

I wanted to grow old with him.
I wanted to know everything about him.
I wanted him to know everything about me.
I wanted his ring on my finger.
I wanted a cat named sneakers.
I wanted a life with him.

My mother was also a drug to my father too.
Strange how that works.

I've said it a thousand times,
I've ended it so many times.
But curiosity always brought me back....
It was my weakness.. my insecurities...
I wanted to know what he thought of me.
I always broke it off, with every intention of running back.
Every single time I was bitter...
And I don't want to be bitter anymore.
I know it'll take time.


After we broke up the last time,
I should have left it at that.
But I couldn't resist.
I gave in.
I was still hanging onto the last fraying piece of thread....
I was too stubborn to let go.
I was too curious to leave.

A habit stronger than crystal meth.

but today..
in the car as we drove passed my father's grave.
I decided I had to make a change.

It was bound to happen...
And this is the momentum I need.

I'll never forget what he did for me.
I'll always love him.
Love never goes away.
Neither does the pain...
but it does sort of fade
Into a dull ache.

It's a pain I'll have to learn to live with.
And I'll figure out how coexist with all the what ifs.

I'm sorry for her.
I don't know her name.

I hope he gives her every second,
He wouldn't ever consider shelling out for me.

And I hope by some miracle...
That she lives.

I want to be there for him.....
but I'm not sure how much good that will do.
I hate to leave him with this happening..

I want to walk away from this,
With growth instead of loss.

I want to stop being so hung up over the past.
I want to learn to move forward, instead of backward.

I want to grow up....

I want to save myself....
From the person who saved me from myself.

Sincerely,
RecoveringAddict




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