Songbird System

Raven
2016-01-18 08:49:29 (UTC)

I say fuck a lot

I'm fucking tired. Perfect time to write in my diary.
Hmm...I like my new school. And my new therapist seems nice. And we've Monday off. Yeah.
Also, my sister and mother seem to be the only other people who remember I'm asexual still. Like, seriously, everybody else just forgets and assumes I'm like straight, bi, or pan. Okay, I do realize I've the type of personality that people often link with bi or pan people, but I guess I'm panromantic. That's a thing. Back on topic...
What should I talk about now? Most of the time I've my mind brimming with things other than me complaining about sexuality issues...oh wait, the fucking thing I wanted to talk about.
People seem to forget I've been through a lot of trauma. Okay, I'm not openly out about all of my trauma to everybody (I'm not gonna just scream out to the world that my cousin tried to rape me multiple times, stalked me, groped me, tried to force his lips on me, tortured me etc), but, you know what, my dad and others like him can at least fucking try to view things from my side.
Then they would realize that sometimes my way of thinking can be rather messed up. Takes a real woman to admit she's emotionally out of it. But, I just can't adjust this quickly. I'm adaptable, but a personality trait can only get you so far. PTSD outbeats my adaptable nature sadly. After being in a house for five years where you had to fear for your sanity everyday and being hurt, I can't just say EVERYTHING IS FUCKING FINE! I CAN'T GO IN THE KITCHEN WITHOUT THINKING ANYBODY IS GONNA HURT ME! THEY'RE GONNA HURT ME! THEY'RE GONNA HURT ME! PLEASE, GOD NO, PLEASE! I BEG YOU, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO TO THE KITCHEN WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE THERE! PPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE! HELP ME! HELP! I WANT TO SCREAM! HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! I'M SO SCARED! SCARED! SCARED! SCARED! SSSSSCCCCCCAAAAAAAAARRRRRREEEEEEEDDDDDD!

And now the voices talking to each other...in real time

That's right, calm down, you little bitch. Just avoid the goddamn kitchen.
She pressed her fingers against the keys, tears whelming up in her eyes.
Shut up, Cherise, nobody asked you--
Cherise says, "my name is Narrator, not Cherise."
I'm so scared of the kitchen--
Shut up too, Megan. Nobody cares about your goddamn input anyways. When have you done anything useful?
I'm scared you were gonna say that. I'm just gonna go in my corner and not enter the kitchen.
Megan has not yet realized we cannot go into corners otherwise we are in a dream.
A dream that Satan--
Channel, what are you doing here? It is not even 3:00 AM yet! Go back to...wherever you go.
Oh, Channel, can you hurt me? Or convince Kaleigh to go into the kitchen! You know, to hurt herself. She's never hurt herself before, and I really, really, REALLY want her to do it--
Christina, only I get to hurt you.
Charlotte proves herself to be a hypocrite. Kaleigh, still stuck in her sadness, still cries while writing the exact words we say.
Can we finally be in a dream! I want to be in my tree in a corner!
Megan, you're always in your tree--
Sorry to interrupt. Please don't hurt me. But, how can I be in a tree?
That's just part of...whatever we are. Don't question it.




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