If feel very heavy and lethargic.
The NY hasn’t started to badly. I feel very confident I can accomplish my goals. The only worry right now is that I have not done any of my overnight studying for my Msc (maths) in the first 2 days in January. I hope to put a stop to that tonight. Once I get that going I will be up and running.
One area I have now identified in my life I need to improve on is the fact that I am too trusting and open myself too much to people. I give people more information about my life than necessary and this information when abused hurts me. I am disappointed in my parents, in that they are the only ones I sent the details of the court judgement of my divorce and they went on to reveal these details to my siblings. If I wanted my siblings to know the details I would have told them or sent them the documents myself. I know they did this in the context of worrying about my betting on sport events as this was mentioned in the court papers. Even so I am still very upset with them. I am also very disappointed in my youngest brother who I speak to regularly and tell him details about my life only for him to share with other sibling. Again his older brother (younger than me) who never bothers about my welfare now calls me to advise me. I am just so disappointed in all these issues which I hear my older sister is also involved in all the talk. I can write a lot about these family issues about I will leave it for now. I didn’t sleep well as my disappointment kept me awake. I feel deeply than my youngest brother betrayed me his older brother should keep his advice to himself until he genuinely cares about my welfare and my older sister wo I am always available to help whenever I can – I am disappointed in her.
Having said that, I am concerned about how angry and sensitive I am nowadays. I think it is an after effect of my divorce. I am deeply hurt by my wife and I feel she betrayed me immensely. This hurts so much and I don’t think I can ever reconcile with her. I think I carry this hurt so I have become more sensitive about peoples actions. This is something I need to watch out for.
Later this month I will leave my house finally! As much as I am looking forward to not living in the same house as her I will miss my children. I don’t want to make a big drama out of it (more than necessary) but the fact is that I we will never live together again as a family. It is going to be an emotional time. It is an emotional time.
I feel the urge to just put my head down and keep my own counsel for some time. Just rely and depend on just myself. Meditate on my life , look for ways to improve myself and align my path with God’s.
On the plus side I had a progressive meeting with one of the investors for the sport betting business. Hopefully things will shape out well with that.
My finances don’t look good for the next couple of months. I will have to be very prudent.
I have to pay half the school fees of the kids, pay rent (and deposit) and my other regular bills. I also have to get an agreement on the back taxes I owe. To compound it I may have to take a forced unpaid leave in February. I want to speak to my boss if I can postpone this until April (as I have my exams in May so I can study for the exams and financially it will be more easier to take April off than May).
I also worry about the loan repayment I have to pay back by end of February, this is a big worry for me. As there are major consequences if I don’t repay. Then there are the people I still owe money. Yes it is dire. I really can stand it and I hope to repay everyone back this year 2016 and by the end of 2016 I will not owe any one any money.