Sex and Cheese
"For No One" by Houndmouth [reminds me of "Despite What You've Been Told" by Two Gallants]
Shrapnel in my knee
Can't walk and I don't care to
I met a strange bird
Her legs they were skinny like a child
She roamed this land
Strong willed, free, and wild
January 7, 2015 Thursday 4:22 PM
Huh. This site is working.... surprisingly well today.... It's fast and my messages ACTUALLY loaded in less than fifteen minutes. WOw.
Dammit, I wanted to write and now everything I wanted to say before is absolutely gone. This is why I need discipline: to capture the inspiration before it leaves me (always leaves me).
I can sum up my week so far in one word: pressure. No, that's not enough.
Pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure.
Not even just mental, it's physical too. I can feel acid in my stomach and random nausea and pounding headaches whenever I try to use my fucking brain!
I want to scream, I want to scream, I want to stop feeling trapped this way.
(How many times do I have to insist that I'm not depressed? Just anxious. Just... mind-numbingly anxious. End-your-life-but-not-really-because-you've-already-tried-that-and-you-can't-stand-the-memory-of-the-looks-on-their-faces-when-they-found-out kind of anxious. Lying in bed playing Solitaire and watching South Park in an attempt to drown yourself in some kind of fake sleep anxious. Okay, you get it. I am screaming internally.)
(Seriously, I'm not going to kill myself. This is a familiar kind of fear and while I hate it, I'm somewhat accustomed to dealing with it. This time, I won't freak out and down my prescriptions. That was only once anyway and I didn't want to die, I was just so, so, so, so scared. WHy am I talking about this? I hate talking about this.)
I let it out like this: impassively, I'll tell Liv and anyone else who might be listening that I'm going to die.
"I'm going to have a heart attack. Or a brain aneurism."
Yeah, haha, I said that today. Isaac then kinda looked up thoughtfully with his pizza in one hand and said, "Huh. Wonder how I'm gonna die..."
"Maybe you'll choke. Actually, I think it's more likely that I'd die that way," I was thinking about how I had nearly choked about six times in the past seven days, including last night after dinner when my dad said something mildly insulting/funny to my mom and I laughed with a mouth full of food.
Isaac looked at me and then said, "I know how to eat, thank you very much." He drew a tomato plant with red jellyfish hanging off the vines instead of the fruit. He draws weird shit all the time – it's awesome.
Oh, yeah. Sorry. Let me introduce you, haha.
Isaac is this kid in my art class. He sits at a table with me, Adrian, Liv, and Drew. We get nothing done. It pisses me off in a way, but I also love talking to them and art is the only class I have with any of those peeps so I feel like I mustn't waste it on my shitty paintings or whatever.
So yeah, I've observed Isaac a bit. He's reserved. Always has this look on his face like he has a funny little secret or something. He has black hair and... green eyes? I think they're green. Maybe hazel, like Caroline's only lighter. Jesus, I know like four people with green eyes, that's amazing.
(Adrian's eyes were kinda greyish today, though)
He's got dirt under his fingernails sometimes and is kind of a smart ass, but he's not mean. Nice guy, nice guy. I'm getting to be pretty fond of my friends, y'know?
OH YEAH. Yesterday, Laney texted me and it was... really nice for some reason!!!
Laney: How are you
Me: ????? Good ??????
Laney: I don't know i just felt like I haven't asked you and like I'm excited to see you in school
You are loved <3
Me: laney ur such an evil bunny I like U
It was just nice. Laney isn't my most affectionate friend.
I GOT TO SEE LILY TODAY AND IT WAS NICE, I MISSED HER.
And of course Liv. Liv was wearing a soft shirt and she was just cute.
I was thinking about Birdy (in a weirdly clinical way, not in the normal crushy way that girls in TV shows think about boys they are attracted to. Is it just me or was that last sentence really awkward?).
Oh yeah. A week ago (or something) Liv told me he has a girlfriend. It's this girl I've talked about before but I can't for the life of me remember the name I used for her on here.
Anyway, I love that girl, she'S SO NICE and sweet and she used to go to Peer. I cried in her general direction a bit after Elise died. She was so... chill about it. It wasn't just, "I'm so sorry," or anything, she actually told me a story about her best friend (her best friend's dad killed himself like last year) and it was just really nice that she made me feel... Like my feelings were real, I guess. Because before then, I had tried bringing it up awkwardly to my friends, but it just caused this weird silence and I just wanted to tell them about her because I felt so alone but I didn't want to depress anyone...
Point is, that girl is lovely. She's cuddly, too. I hate when she holds my hands, though, because she always tries cracking them in a certain way and it huuuuurts. The first time she did that to me was when I was in seventh grade and just, just, nEVER AGAIN NEVER.
Wow, back to Birdy. So they may or may not be a thing, that girl and Birdy. That's nice, I guess. I'm going to keep sneaking looks at him and thinking about how attractive he is, though. I always feel mildly creepy doing that, and even creepier when the subject has a partner, but if I try to stop it'll just make me think about it more haha.
Okay, I was thinking about Birdy and sex. Somewhat. Ugh, why don't I think like Liv? I'm pretty sure she's told me that she has imagined fucking him or something (Liv's a horny gal tbh). But I just can't do that, it's so weird for me!!!
I get horny and stuff, but it's like... real live boys, if I like them, seem kind of... sacred. And innocent (even when they're not). It's just me who is innocent, really.
I know all the clinical shit about sex and I've seen it in action (porn, people) and whatever, whatever, whatever. But I've never come close to actually having sex with anyone. In fact, I've probably only gotten farther from it, haha. At least when I was little, I used to hump someone regularly (ahhh, horrifyingly hilarious childhood memories). The last action I got was my cousin's stupid friend kissing me on the neck sans permission (about a year ago). That was weird. I hope I never see that guy again, too awkward, ugh.
I kind of just want to have sex to get it out of the way. To see if I'll enjoy it (which, under certain circumstances, I probably will). I want to just... have sex so I can get better at it and ugh I hate all this waiting stuff because never having done it before makes it a big deal for some reason (in my head, at least).
But yeah, I'm sexually attracted to Birdy (as sexually attracted as I CAN be to real human beings at least). Actually, if in some crazy world we were dating, I'd probably be kissing him all the damn time, he's very pretty.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. If, for some reason, Birdy ever reads this and knows that "Birdy" is him:
I AM SO SORRY. I AM NOT TRYING TO BE CREEPY OR WEIRD, I JUST THINK YOU'RE A VERY PRETTY HUMAN BEIng okay.
Hmm. I'm not an ass person. I like... legs. I like faces, eyes, necks, lips lips lips, cheekbones, hips, waists, chests, hands HANDS I LOVE HANDS DEAR GOD.
Seriously, though, hands... are... amazing. And skin, skin is just so nice... i JUST LOVE THE SHAPE OF HUMAN BEINGS, I LOVE THE ANGLES AND THE SOFTNESS fuck.
There is a picture on my phone of a hill in Balboa Bay – it's of a rocky hillside covered in this reddish plants and in the picture, they're lit by the sunset and I love it because it looks like Earth is bleeding.
Gosh, I'm cold.
I smell a certain way. It's not bad. It's pretty nice, actually, pretty soft.
Ugh, I want a boyfriend. Not a super romantic guy or anything. I mean, it's totally fine if he WERE romantic, long as he didn't say anything with the word "babe" in it. I really don't like being called "babe" and I don't know why.
Then again, that might not always be the case.
I hate cheesiness, hate feelings, hate romantic/sweet bullshit.
I mean, Liv is really cheesy with me sometimes and it makes me feel kinda gross but I also love it. I do feel a bit guilty, though, because I can't return the favor without throwing up – seriously, if I were actually to tell her how much I love her, I'd probably want to stab myself in the heart just because of how unavoidably cliche and.. and gross my feelings are.
Gross, gross, gross.
Point is, I don't know everything about myself. Maybe I'd like being called babe.
I don't know if I'd actually like a shitload of romantic dates, though. I'm more of a "let's stay home and watch TV and eat brownies" type gal.
I like being comfortable and I like cuddling and I like being able to do whatever I want.
Oh! Walks are also nice. Love walks. I say a lot of stuff on walks that I don't mean to. I tell people things... it's kind of bad.
Like, last time I went on a walk with Liv
(Jesus, why do we do so many borderline romantic things with each other?????? This is amazing)
I accidentally kind of told her that I think I'm ugly. Ugh... Ugh... Ugh... I already hate writing this but I kind of think about that particular conversation a lot so I'm just gonna get it out of my head.
We were almost to my house and she was talking about how a lot of people have crushes on her (easy to believe, Liv is very, very pretty and she's got a very engaging personality too) and they compliment her on their looks and...
I'm not proud of this but...
I was just kind of.. bitter. I was like, "At least you have that kind of self-esteem. The most people do is tell me I'm not as pretty as my sister..."
There was more said, but I can't remember the particulars. This conversation was had in late October or early November – before her mom said we have to hang out less because it was getting weird (we were together like every weekend but shit it was awesome).
Yeah, she was just kind of shocked and told me she couldn't believe it because she thinks I'm pretty or something. That should've made me feel nice or something but I just remembered how earlier that day, we'd had a conversation about how some girl was asking people to convince her she wasn't fat and they couldn't do it.
I said, "Yeah... That's one of those things you've got to decide for yourself, no one can convince you." Liv said the whole ordeal made her a bit uncomfortable.
So at that moment, /I/ was the one who felt uncomfortable (partly because I was worried I made Liv feel uncomfortable hahah, and partly because I don't want anyone to know where I'm weak). Plus, I knew I was being stupid. I shouldn't care about how I look (but I do) and I shouldn't be looking for anyone to contradict to my own thoughts (but I am).
Anyway, after Liv looked at me all confused and hurt and surprised, after she said I was pretty, after I said "You don't have to say that to make me feel better," and after she insisted that it was the truth, I just kinda looked down and said, "Okay, I'm uncomfortable, let's change the subject."
Liv, being the beautiful angel she is, said, "... So trees. Trees are just... great, huh? I sure like trees. Especially that tree."
We were about thirty feet from my house when the tree conversation started and by the time we got back to my porch, we were both chattering like nothing happened and I love how easy things are with her. I still remembered, I still thought about it for way too long (obviously)
(I really shouldn't have put her in that position) but it was still easy.
I'm on my period and I want chocolate.
Meekah bought me a brownie today!
Jesus, my life is amazing! I'm really glad I wrote today.
So today, I overhead a conversation this popular girl (who lives a couple blocks away from me) was having. She was talking about a video of someone popping a pimple and was talking about how it was "really nasty" and then went into specifics. I didn't really hear that part, I was tuning in and out of the conversation. So then she goes on to say, "Whenever I see something gross, I force myself to look at it because I want to be a nurse." She then said she wanted to be an army nurse and all that and I just thought that was fascinating. She's small and delicate and I like her, I like her all the more for having a strong stomach. Now I don't feel so weird about having a fascination with gross/creepy things.
Haven't been horny since my period started, thank Christ. Do you know how annoying it is to masturbate with blood coming out of your vagina??? Do you??? It sucks, okaY? You can't even finger yourself (well you can but it's messy and bloody and I prefer not to) and you sure as hell have to change your tampon when you're done. It's just so much fucking woooroororrk.
Sometimes, I dislike certain kinds of writing; the romantic, artsy kinds that make my heart hurt in a nice way. Just because... well, they're... romantic.
And in a way, that spoils things for me. As sweet as it is, it makes things feel fake, makes me think, "Oh I'm never gonna experience anything like this," and it's because!!!
Some writers act like people don't even have assholes!
See, this is why I like Bukowski and books that are similar to that... He's disgustingly honest. He'll talk about his acne for an entire chapter, he'll discuss the most appalling parts of depression and alcoholism and he'll just... just show you how unclean the real world is, how dirty and unforgiving we all are.
That is what I want, even in a story about love, y'know? I want teeth to bang together, I want them to be too sweaty, I want awkward pauses. It might be painful to read, but at least it'll make human characters.
I do not have Bukowski's kind of honesty. I wish I did, but I don't. I love honesty but honesty is something found in strong people; I can only manage it partway.
Maybe I'll get a bit braver.