Nick's Journal
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2016-01-06 22:51:03 (UTC)

Living Life as Best I can

okay so maybe this is an extension from yesterday's journal entry. i am trying to make a concerted effort to journal every day. make it more of a habit. i used to write almost every day when i was in undergrad and even in law school. i'm not quite sure when my enthusiasm for constant chronicling took a downward turn. but definitely over the years that i had been drinking i either didn't write or wrote just stupid hateful stuff.

there' another quote i heard that i really liked. it came from unbroken where the one soldier tells zamperini - "you just live life as best you can and maybe find a little bit of happiness along the way." i've really taken that to heart right now. you see, i'm not really doing everything that i want. i haven't started looking for another job yet. on the one hand i really want a job to just occupy my mind, but on the other hand i just feel like i can't handle the stress.

shit, i couldn't even handle going out last night. again, when faced with such a situation i did not do well. yesterday night was just horrific for me. nothing but stupid anxiety. almost to the level of social anxiety where being in a crowded theatre with others caused me to almost feel claustrophobic. i was once again needlessly surly and just an asshole; again only lashing out out of my own fear.

i know i'm not doing everything 100% perfect. i know there is more that i can surely do. but the thing is. i have found a way of life that has kept me sober. it is a horribly imperfect and precarious way of life but it is what i have. i say precarious because i am just so hyper-sensitive to anything that could possibly push me off of my routine. that's why i've been reacting so stupidly when confronted with everyday stressors. if it takes me out of my routine, i pretty much just start to panic.

the doctor said that routine is very good for me but i am also worried that i am too rigid. i just feel like maybe if i do this one more thing or if i just do this or that or something else that maybe i can be more perfect, take on more of an active life role. but the thing is i just don't know. i don't know what i can handle until i am actively trying to do it (and fail).

so i am really writing this entry to myself, to look back on. to say that, yes, i know i am not 100% perfect right now. that i could do more. but i am seriously just trying to live my life as best i can. unfortunately for me that means surrendering myself to the enslavement of routine. because in a paradoxical way it makes me free.

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