2016-01-06 01:41:05 (UTC)

Bundle of Skin

January 6, 2016 Wednesday 12:45 AM

As I write this, I think about my future self and how at some point, I won't feel like I'm on the verge of a heart attack and I won't be stressed out by family and I won't think I'm stupid. Yes. One day, even if it's only for an hour or so, I won't feel this way.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. School, I mean. It really gets me down sometimes... Not exactly. I don't get depressed anymore, I just get... I dunno. Sluggish? Numb? And I can't think, I can't think, I can only work on autopilot and do what they want me to do and then sometimes they tell me I'm smart and I wish that they wouldn't because it just feels like a lie...

I think about those people I've met in passing, they're always holding textbooks and reading through them and absorbing the information and they're not top of their class, but they are smarter than I could ever hope to be and that's fine but it's also the reason I hate it when people call me smart. Because I'm no smarter than other kids and if you tell me I am, I get... weird.

I suddenly start caring about the quality of my work (which I have always caerd about to some extent but usually I end up stressing out to the point where I stop.. giving... a fuck... and then I just turn in my work, no matter how half-assed and scrambled it feels and I most always get a very good grade. That's not me bragging, that's just a fact and I think it's kind of fucked up... mostly because school works for me without working me. You know? Ugh! I know I'm lucky because it's not hard for me to be successful in high school, but something is itching at me because those people who have a hard time? They don't deserve to feel like they're less).

And then I get a little ego about it. Like, I HAVE to be smart and I HAVE to do things that showcase my intelligence and I can never mess up or I won't be smart anymore. These are all "me" problems – it has nothing to do with anyone else. I can't avoid that particular compliment, even if it is based on stupid fucking numbers that I've managed to maintain while thinking about a million other things.

So I just have to learn how to ignore it and find the part of me that doesn't care.

Yeah, see, because I care too much about things that don't matter and care too little about the real issues. It'd be better if everything were just even – if I didn't care much about anything at all, if I saw the world through reason and nothing else.

Gosh, I'm nauseous and I think I'm getting another migraine (I had one a couple days ago and it woke me up at 5 in the morning, kept me up for an hour and a half, and I could barely function that day, working on 4 hours of fragmented sleep and it feels like I've been sleeping that way for years even though I've only been living that way for two or three days).

Okay: don't tell me I'm smart or pretty or any of those things that I will never believe. It's nice, but I'll end up doubting it and I just can't believe you, I'm sorry. Tell me my personality is nice – I won't understand, but it'll mean something and I won't think so much about it.

Maybe don't tell me anything at all.

Maybe just lock me up in a house on a mountain and let me be alone, let me live a meaningless life and I'll come down when I find out it's not all I dreamt it'd be.


Some people live in my head.

It's a bit strange.

When I'm feeling more tormented, they are ghosts and I wish they would leave me alone because they keep telling me about the things I didn't do and what I didn't say and reminding me of all the times in which I hurt them or something, something, something.

But, like. There are always people in my head.

Liv is in my head all the time. I missed her while I was on vacation, but only a little because she was in my head most of the time anyways. Lots of things reminded me of her and I knew I'd see her again (I was betting on it at least) so it wasn't sad.

I texted her a lot because, y'know, I knew I could tell her about those things I had a feeling she'd like and then we talked about traveling together and going to college and doing stuff when I got home (mostly snuggle) and we said "I love you" a lot because our friendship is really gay and I love it.

I am talking to her now, actually. Oh, wait. She just said goodnight, haha. Anyway, earlier in our conversation, she said something like, "Daily life has been so dull without you," and I said, "I don't get that??? I feel like I never say things whAt do you I do to spice up ur life?"

She told me I that I am a bundle of skin and I smell good and I'm weird but interesting and probably some other stuff too. I am especially enamored of that first thing: "bundle of skin."

So yeah, she lives in my head and comments on stuff and sometimes I just get this overwhelming fear/love because losing her would be like losing Caroline.

Caroline is not okay. But that is a subject for next time.

Elise lives in my head, but she's not crystal clear like Liv. Liv is in the real world, too, and so I'm always reminded of the way she is.

Elise is decaying. She's abstract, as she has always been, but at least before she was THERE and she was growing sharper with every conversation.

Now... I've probably forgotten a lot. I don't think I can remember her voice and I definitely can't remember the conversation we had on the phone. I just remember pacing back and forth in my room, and I remember it was summertime and she said something about her bunny and we had a lot in common and I was pleased and afraid at the same time.

Bare bones of a memory. She's not here to renew any of it, build off of it. I am not angry. I am not much of anything at all. It's too exhausting to be that way. Instead, I usually just remember random stuff about her and get reminded of her and inspired by her memory. Yeah. Even if she is smearing, at least there will be something left.

I saw a sunset the color of the grapefruit I ate for breakfast yesterday and I thought she'd really like the sky at that moment.

Some other people live in my head, vague and formless and they show up in my dreams. My dad is definitely in my head, but he's clear cut, y'know? He's a boy with the mind of a scientist. Caroline in my head... mom in my head... Lily in my head... Laney... Alexis, too, haha... And I still think about Aaron.

April is in my head.

Oh gosh, it's 1 AM. I should really clean my room and wake up early tomorrow so I can finish my homework.

Oh, yeah. I'm back in New York. My dad wanted me to go to school tomorrow but I won't. I feel kinda bad disobeying him, but he doesn't understand (even though he should) – I know it's pathetic, but if I go back tomorrow, I will want to die. Or something.

Truth is, I know I'll be fine but I will suffer, I really will, and I just want to be able to get some of my homework done (not to mention a couple of applications I needed to get done)... I couldn't get it done during "vacation" because I was so busy most of the time.

God, I feel like I haven't relaxed since August. Before that actually because now that I remember, I had a shitload of summer homework the last couple weeks of August and the first couple weeks, my uncle and his family was visiting and my dad was stressed as fuck so we kept having to clean and drive around and be good hosts and shit.

So July, I guess. Kind of. I had APUSH work then, too, and my art class but that was only a week. Yeah, July.

I think stress causes my migraines sometimes. Partly because when I'm stressed, I sleep less (not because of insomnia, but because I stay up later in a weak and irrational attempt to make time slow down haha).

Okay. I will go now. Wish me luck.

It doesn't mean anything, but it also kind of means everything and I hate that I care so much, I hate that it matters to me. What am I trying to prove to myself anyway?