✯Sincerely, Me✯

☯LivingWithMyself☯
2016-01-03 19:13:26 (UTC)

Drowning


Dear Reader,

I've had different plans for what I write next,
and every time I sit down to write,

I want to write something else.


I'm sitting here in the middle of my room..
It's a disaster again.
I'll clean it, and then a few days later, sometimes only a few hours later
It's trashed again.

Honestly,
the cycle is so irritating that it's become really difficult to bring myself to clean it...
because I know it's not going to stay clean for long.


If she opens the door, and catches me on my laptop, with my room like this though...

Ugh.


I tell Nick that I'm okay... but really I'm not.
I only vent out anger and frustration to him now...
Never sadness.


Sometimes, I want too.. but I just can't bring myself.
A big part of the reason why I made this diary is because I didn't want him to know...

I don't know why I'm sad.

When I try to describe my depression...
I usually say that I'm low... or I'm falling.. or plummeting..
Because that's what it feels like...

I can be happy, and having fun, and laughing, or I'll just be laying in bed thinking...
and then it feels like being pushed off a high dive,
and hitting the water face down.

Sometimes... I hit the water in no time at all ..
Sometimes I fall for hours...

I try reaching out to J...
but that's usually when I've sunk to the bottom of the pool...
And he never responds.

It's hitting me harder a lot way more often...

It sucks the life out of me.. and I just want to stay locked in my room all day long... laying in bed.
I stay up all night,
I sleep in really late.
I don't straighten my hair, I don't get dressed for the day...
I just slip on the same shitty outfit I've been wearing all week long...


All the things that used to help just don't help anymore.


Like honestly... I hate the way my mental illnesses sound...
I hate the fact that I have so fucking many...


I know one day.. I'm going to have to seek professional help.
As much as I don't want too... I might need medication...

I know you shouldn't be ashamed to have to take medicine...
If something is wrong with your body, if your body is ill.. you take medication to help or heal it.
So, if your mind is ill... and medication helps..

But there's a fear....

I don't like to take medicine.
Not even a Tylenol for my really bad headaches.

It scares me..
People like me are easy to become addicts.

My family has told me all my life that I'll turn out just like my mom....

I never want to become fixated..

As long as I live here,
I have to deal with this best I can until I'm able to move out and live on my own.


Sincerely,
NotAGoodSwimmer




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