lilv13t402

Memories
2016-01-01 09:54:34 (UTC)

1/1/2016 - Re-Invention

Dear Diary,

Random moment at 2am: As I was starting to write this entry -- My cat would not stop meowing at the top of her lungs. I got up and plopped her on her pillow and gave her the finger and stern look. She sat down -- instead of being scared -- she started purring. Lmao, this cat though.

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One thing 2016 has brought with it is a brand new year -- with brand new hopes and dreams --- peace and serenity. There are better outlooks than I could ever possibly imagine -- at least not the old me 9 months ago would believe this. I have many things to be grateful for.. Parents that love me, a little brother that looks up to me, a cat that loves to cuddle with me on cold nights, an education that I pursued at will & I'm a 4.0 student, a stable part time job (but really my supervisor pushes me to work over 32 hours, double shifts included) with loving coworkers whom all look after me. I have so much faith in being strong for myself than I ever did before. I made it through a war -- I have battle scars and wounds that are still healing. And you know what? I can finally cry to myself -- dry up those tears -- and say to myself -- "Janie, you fought a war, and you made it through. You are strong. You are courageous. You are a role model to those who have fallen. And you know first hand, what it all feels to lie dying not once but twice in the hospital bed, losing hope in all aspects of life. But you, Janie -- you made it. And this year is your time to celebrate the new you."

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My heart was broken -- still is -- but I have a mender. He has potential, but he worries me with his negativity and his energy of how he thinks things should be. But to be honest, relationships don't run that way.. and I can't possibly imagine myself be put in situations after situations with him being really emo and downright depressing. I have gone through so much of my own depression -- the last thing I want in my life is another negative person. No matter what he might have tried to do for me, that still doesn't give him right to "own me" or "possess me". It's just suffocating.

One of my goals is to try and re-invent this man he claims to be. But I wish he'd understand that -- my heart and love runs on a thread. I am patient, and he knows that much. But not everyone can take another hard blow to the heart, not after the things I went through.

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My new year's resolution is to continue being strong for myself.. because no one can take that effort and power away from me. I'm a survivor of hurt and deceit -- sorrow and pain. But I stand strong today because there is so much more out of life -- this year is about being truthful to myself. Devotion to my inner soul and cavity. Being happy again -- is my ultimate goal.

--
Janie




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