LustingforNightmares

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2015-12-31 21:53:30 (UTC)

HAunted (haha)


"Beta Carotene" by Modest Mouse

December 31, 2015 Thursday 9:55 PM [this is a negative entry]


She's a masseuse (at least that's one part of her job) and she likes to hike in the hillsides and through fairy tale forests. So she doesn't sound half bad, right?

Except for that she's even more a hypocrite than my dad could EVER be (my heart isn't in that dad-jab. He's been really nice and reasonable lately).

I love my Uptight Hippie Aunt (HAunt for short, haha) but... as horrible as this sounds.... only because she's family. If we were not related or if I were unaware of our connection, I would not have the patience to deal with such a woman.

I WISH I had the patience, but I never have been able to deal with people who bother me.

It's just that HAunt is such a phony (that word reminds me of Mr. Sandwich haha because he says it a lot. Sometimes, after saying it, he'll say, "You know what book that's from?" and I'll say, "Catcher In The Rye.").

She is full of all these spiritual beliefs and apparently lives to relax and stuff, lives to help other people relax! Despite that, she's soooooo tightly wound.

She doesn't like when stuff doesn't go her way, she's extremely sensitive, is passive aggressive and just makes me uncomfortable in general.

I mean when I was 13, I accidentally lost her fanny pack while hiking down Mount Washington. Mind you, the hike down was 8 miles and we had begun hiking UP the mountain at 11 AM. We didn't make it down until around 9 PM.

I had to go to the bathroom and took the fanny pack off (probably around mile 4 or something) and forgot to put it back on. She was pretty upset and made me feel so guilty that I cried in the restaurant we were in. Not to make her sound mean – it's just that she wouldn't let it go or forgive me or cut me any slack at all.

(Rick and Morty comes to mind. "Go to the men's section of KMart because YOU need to cut ME some SLACK.")

She apologized later after my family offered to buy her a new one IF she picked one out.

So she never did pick one out and when we were hiking in the Redwoods the other day, the subject of Mount Washington came up. We were reminiscing when she goes, "Haha... Remember how you lost my fanny pack.... haha."

Silence from me. A half-hearted laugh from my dad. My mom was mouthing angry words at me, like "Jesus, I can't believe this woman!"

"You never DID replace that... ahha..."

Yeah... Wow.

Part of what makes me angry about this, though, is that during that same trip, HAunt was driving my dad's new car (we bought it used but it was barely touched okay) and she backed into another car!!! She frickin' dented our car and then told us not to tell our parents so that she could do it herself.

Only she didn't. She didn't tell them. My mom noticed the dent immediately because she's like that, but my dad never knew and it's just annoying because that dent cost more than her goddamn fanny pack.

My sister says that what bothered HER about that situation was that HAunt never got back to us about the fanny pack and that showed it wasn't really all that important to her, she was just making a fuss. Didn't I show her I was remorseful though?

It really angered and hurt me, okay? I know it's stupid but it's burned into my memory because I was very sensitive, had only been on medication for a couple of months (it was very soon after the whole hospital thing) and it was just really unpleasant.

Actually, part of the reason I hate being sensitive is because of HAunt. I value relaxation, I value people who can make the best of anything.

I hated that sensitivity made me so particular, made me unhappy the majority of the time.

I'm still kind of sensitive but I try not to let it hurt me because how is that a fun way to live?

HAunt is kind of very sensitive and so people are forced to act a certain way around her. You know what makes me more uncomfortable than anything in the world? Having to act different. It feels awkward and weird and when I'm not being myself, I'm super fucking boring.

I barely talked to HAunt the whole time we were visiting her. I don't like her very much. She makes me upset with her need for everything to be a certain way. My family is pretty relaxed which is why it's always hard for me to adjust to visiting my dad's side of the family. His side is so traditional (even my Aunt Maria on my dad's side who is El Salvadorian is pretty traditional. I usually associate the hispanic sides of my family with a certain looseness but maybe it's just my mom's side of the family that is so open and happy).

It's at least easier with my Grandma. She told me that she's loosened up with her old age and that is absolutely correct. I've had a lot of nice conversations with my Grandma. Well, mostly she talks and I listen but I figure that's fine because I'm young and she's not and she has much more to say about everything.

But point is, I really really want to love my HAunt. And sometimes I feel like she's not so bad. When she takes us to beautiful places or jokes around or just shows some kind of easy-going nature inside of her, I feel like she's okay.

Unfortunately, the majority of the time, I feel as if there's something coiled up inside her and I don't want to get too close – it's going to spring up and punch me in the fucking face.

Her self-righteousness is tiring, y'know? Be a vegetarian! Don't eat that! Don't do that! You're killing the world if you do that!

Meanwhile, she's just.... I don't care. Make me care. Don't preach at me.

I will be perfectly honest even when it makes me hate myself: I do not give a fuck.

I don't care about the goddamn rainforests. I don't care that Africa is Africa and we have to donate to Africa so Africa can have Christianity or whatever it is they want from us when those infomercials come on TV.
I don't care about Putin or political correctness or whether or not that movie is offensive or not. I don't care that eating M&M's is supporting a company that contributes to deforestation!

I mean, on some level, I care about all that.

I love trees and nature, and the idea of global warming used to give me tiny heart attacks but at this point, I've just grown completely apathetic. I do not care. The earth is dying. I feel powerless. I'm going to sleep.

I love people, but they're so stupid! Maybe if there were less humans, our problems wouldn't be so colossal but we can't just kill each other. so what CAN we do?

(Stop having kids please)

Ah, nevermind all that. I have developed that apathy that you can see in most teenagers. I really wish it wasn't there. Do you know how badly I want to feel motivated to change things?

I do want to change the world. I want to help people, I want to make life easier and more sustainable.

But I can't find it in me to care enough. I mean, somehow college and grades feel more important. A job. Money. All that feels much more... immediate? Ugh, how stupid is that?

That's another thing that sucks! The education system! One of the times in which I really enjoyed being around my HAunt was when she was talking about the education system and how it was unfair the way they measured students intelligence and how they taught students.

Ugh. Okay.

I didn't mean to sound so horrible, saying I didn't care. I'm not trying to say it's unimportant, because sometimes these things are valid concerns. I was just saying that I don't feel that kind of panic, don't feel it happening.

That's really bad. A LOT of people have the same problem which is why nothing gets done!

Ahg. I've gotta go. I'm tired of writing.

In conclusion: HAunt is really annoying sometimes but I love her because that's what they tell me to do. I guess I love her naturally too. Somewhere in there.

I'm a real asshole today, huh?

Well, I really value honesty and this is how I honestly feel right now. It may be unreasonable. Rationality is also another value of mine... so perhaps I'll regret this entry.

It's 11:12. A bit more til 2016 makes its appearance.



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