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2015-12-27 04:44:45 (UTC)

Pulls Harder Than Gravity

"Ionizes & Atomizes"

*She ionizes and atomizes
Then turns into sunlight*

He realizes and itemizes
*Pulls harder than gravity*

She ionizes and atomizes
Then turns into sunlight
*Fluorescent light bulbs will
Make an absence of dark
But the light just ain't there still*

And she said, "I am feeling
The real lights can make you
But never, ever really
(Fluorescent lights will always equal empty)

[I think this is actually my favorite Modest Mouse song. I dislike it's length but hey it's still beautiful]

December 27, 2015 Sunday 3:49 AM [tomorrow is Caroline's birthday]

I am very sleepy but this song makes me want to write. Plus, I haven't been writing much and I just feel like I'm losing touch with... with something.

I don't really want to talk about myself or my feelings or my views or my family or really anything having to do with me which is why I haven't exactly been inclined to write.

The thing is, it used to be that I was always writing entries in my head in order to understand myself and my feelings. Through that, I wanted to be able to understand other people. Kind of. This is mainly a space for me to rant about me and my problems though, haha, not going to lie. It's supposed to be some kind of sacred place where I don't feel ashamed for going on and on about myself.

Anyway, I haven't even been writing in my head. In a way, I feel a bit suffocated. I don't like the kind of pressure school puts on me. I just don't always like the way things are in general. I've talked about that before, though – I hate that we're told to figure out what we're good at and then never given time to explore?? How the hell am I supposed to know what I'm good at if all I ever have time to do is school stuff?

That's why I didn't do extra curriculars for like three years. Um... That's inaccurate. Very inaccurate, haha. The real reason I didn't do any after school activities was because I was super aware of hating myself and sank into a somewhat deep depression. Yep.

Okay. So I feel like school always finds a way to choke all the creativity out of me. But I also really enjoy school so I dunno. I guess I just hate having homework. I can see how it's necessary for APUSH, though. POINT IS, since I'm in school, I had to find a way to squash all the feelings out of me so I can function.

I still kinda have ups and downs but, like I said, I get through it by focusing on my schoolwork.

I HAVE been writing, but it's all fiction. Probably bad fiction too. I dunno. I have fun doing it so it's okay.

Ugh... Even when I don't really feel like talking about myself, I still manage to go on for four paragraphs about things I've already gone over a thousand times...

Um. I'm reading a book called Incognito: The Secret Lives of the Brain. It basically talks about the brain's subconscious??? I dunno, I'm only twenty pages in.

I don't wanna think anymore.

I just want to watch other people and know what they're thinking and feeling... I think that'd be fascinating.

I just wanna be void of thought, actually.

I wish I could focus enough to share some of the stuff I've observed about other people in these past couple days. Wish I could talk about religion, which is an unavoidable subject when it comes to my Grandma's house, and science and shiiiiit.

I doubt I will ever be religious... Doubt I'll ever be able to wholeheartedly believe in anything.

That's for another time, ugh. I'm so tired.

I would like to turn into sunlight.

OH! Remind me to write about the sky!!! The skies here in California are so pretty! They're pretty in New York, too, but I have a hard time seeing all of it because we're surrounded by tall trees and buildings. Here, all the houses are low and, since its a very packed suburban area, there aren't tons of trees. AND Palm trees don't take up tons of sky space??? So ???

(not that all the trees are palms)