LustingforNightmares

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2015-12-19 17:48:07 (UTC)

You Know That a Ball Has No Sides!!!


"Interstate 8" by Modest Mouse

Spent 18 hours waiting stoned for space
I spent the same 18 hours in the same damn place

*I'm on a road shaped like a figure 8
I'm goin' nowhere but I'm guaranteed to be late*

You go out like a riptide!

*You know that a ball has no sides!*

You're an angel with an amber halo
Black hair and the devil's pitchfork!
Wind-up anger with an endless view of
The ground's colorful patchwork
How have you been?
How have you been?
How have you?
How have you?


[Currently my favorite Modest Mouse song]

December 19, 2015 Saturday 4:52 PM


This week was pretty good as far as weeks go. I got some congratulations on my grade, so that was awesome.

Mr. Washington made my week! Oh my gosh! He's gotta be one of my favorite teachers. First, he congratulated me on being top of my class (I still get this weird guilt twinge whenever I think about that fact) and he also said something like, "You know if you're valedictorian, you'll have to make a speech right?" He knows I hate public speaking haha. I said, "Yeah, I was considering just... throwin' it" He laughed when I said that.

That's not what made my week though, that was just something that pleased me.

No, he gave me back an essay I wrote (and turned in late because it was such a struggle for me, I dunno why). As he was handing it back to me, he goes, "Take a day off, will ya?"

DUDE, PEOPLE, I GOT A PERFECT SCORE ON MY ESSAY.

It was about whether or not the constitution established a just government. It would've been easier for me to say NO because it was far from perfect when first ratified but I decided to say yea. Mostly because I kinda believe we DO have a just government. No, it's not perfect but my claim was basically that the justice came from our governments ability to adapt and shit. Yeah. Apparently, Mr. Washington liked my claim!!! I'M SO HAPPY I'M SO HAPPY I'M SO HAPPY I NEEDED THIS, MY EGO REALLY NEEDED THIS. He only wrote one "correction" thing on my paper but it wasn't something you take points off for, I think it was more of an opinion thing??

Also! Also!

I love Liv and I do nOT deserve to have her as a friend. ShE CRIED WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT MY GRADE. LIKE, ACTUALLY CRIED. WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST AN EXAGGERATION BUT NO??? THERE WERE TEARS. REAL TEARS. OH MY GOODDDD I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

How is she so goood?????? What?

Also, she told me about how I'd been part of a discussion yesterday morning in which someone told Birdy he was the smartest junior and he (I think it was him, I dunno though) said, "No, Veronica's the smartest junior"

(Birdy is right below me on the honors list-y thang)

!!!!!
!!!!
!!
!

(This is all secondhand information which is why the sentences are all stiff 'n stuff but okay)

Annnnd then Mr. Washington said, "Veronica is a good person, you're a lucky person if you know her or Marina" (Marina is 3rd on the list and she's super fucking smart. I feel like she, or Birdy, should've been at the top of the list. Both of them are taking Calculus because they took Precalc over the summer – something I desperately wish I knew was an option).

Liv also said something like, "Yeah, and you guys would definitely like her because she's my best friend so"

I want to DIE WHY ARE PEOPLE SO NICE???

I don't even deserve this????

I even got called precious earlier this week because I gave this girl my lil finger hug?? Yes, someone actually said, "You're so precious!"

AH.

You know what I've been thinking about a lot this week?

Intelligent people usually talk a certain way. There words are so certain. They're very square and neat too.

Meanwhile, I speak loosely. Words all slippery and slidey. My tongue isn't so particular, it kind of just flops around and so do my words; everything blends together when I talk. I guess I can only describe it as... lazy. I speak lazily.

And then all these genuinely smart kids, they talk easily and smoothly and, oh I dunno. Just add some more (synonymous) adjectives and you'll get the idea.

Yeahhhh, I feel like a fraud. I know that me saying that can get really annoying (to other people, I mean). There are plenty of things that suggest I'm not average in intelligence (I'm literally shuddering just typing that. I'm not trying to brag, it's not even something to brag about because it's all wrong and I'm not trying to be modest here either. I really fucking mean it and I need you to understand that).

But those things, they still feel like a lie. Like something must've tipped the scales. Because if I were so smart, wouldn't it be easier for me to understand simple concepts that I can never quite wrap my head around?
(I'm talking about math and grammar and basketball)

Wouldn't it be easier for me to read?

(It's not exactly difficult for me to read, but active reading is a pain in the ass, y'know?)

Wouldn't I actually be able to apply math skills? Wouldn't I be more creative? Wouldn't I be... faster, I guess? I'm really slow. I'm slow to learn and slow to answer questions.

You get the point. Intelligence has nothing to do with my stupid scores which is why I feel kinda undeserving. I really am trying to feel 100% happy about it, but I can't stop feeling so fake. I just want to be proud or something.

Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Liv actually said she was proud of me and I guess that caught me off guard because my parents don't really care about my grades that much? I mean, I told them about it but the most they said was, "Oh, congratulations!"

I'm sure they're proud but it doesn't really excite them very much. Meanwhile, DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT LIV CRIED TEARS OF HAPPINESS? SHE SAID I INSPIRED HER TO WORK HARDER IN SCHOOL (something I thought was kinda impossible seeing as how Liv already goes above and beyond when it comes to academics but okay)!

Okay I'm really sorry for talking about this a second time, Jesus.

–––––––––

I've still got that mildish crush on Birdy and that's all I've got to say on the subject.

–––––––––

My pinky is cold! Again! Jesus!

–––––––––

Caroline is home. When she congratulated me on my grade, her smile looked so strained. I don't think I'm gonna bring it up again.

Caroline doesn't love herself enough. Ugh. She says she's fine, but if she were REALLY fine, she'd know how intelligent and beautiful and creative she is. But instead, she just thinks she's dumb and clumsy. Well, Caroline IS clumsy but so are a lot of people. It's fine.

I'm not worried about Caroline. Caroline will be fine. I won't talk to her about this stuff either – it makes me feel to icky inside, and I think she'd feel the same way honestly.

We had a fun conversation last night, though, about Glitch in the Matrix stuff and about how people can convince themselves anything is true. Other things, too, but it doesn't really matter to anyone but the two of us.

––––––––

I love the words "vernacular" and "prosaic" and I really have to pee.

––––––––

Modest Mouse reminds me that everything is pointless. But not in a sad way. Not in a, "Why am I bothering?" way. More like, "Even if it hurts, even if all your nerves are on fire, it doesn't matter. It started and it will end and something else will begin. None of what you did changed anything because there was nothing to change in the first place."

Thinking that puts me as such ease.

––––––––

Liv is reading Ham on Rye! It reminded her of when she was abused as a child, though, and I just hope she is okay. I wish I could understand enough to... oh, I don't know. So I could provide empathy. I hate providing sympathy. It makes me feel so useless. Welp, nothin' I can do but listen.

––––––––

I should clean my room and do my homework and work on my applications... Hah. Shit, I'm not doing any of that for at least another hour.

––––––––

I leave for vacation on Tuesday. I fucking hate plane rides. I hope I can write while I'm gone. I hope it's kinda cold over there.

Global warming is so irritating. And scary. And I'm so tired of caring at all, so I guess I don't anymore.

There's no point.


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