LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2015-12-15 17:13:39 (UTC)

Why Do I Never Post When I Write


"Magnetized" by Wilco

December 15, 2015 Tuesday 4:17 PM [TODAY IS MY COUSIN MADISON'S
BIRTHDAY. At least I think I called
her Madison on here... anyway happy
birthday cuz, I loves yew]

I have confusing news. Well, I guess for anyone else it would be good news, but here I am, always the "realist" or whatever it is I'm being right now.

Grins grow like flowers.

Anyway.

So, Laney and Liv both told me (separately, both through text) that I am at the top of my class. At first I was like, "Woot, proof that I'm not a dumb shit!" I celebrated for a bit and was really happy, partly because Liv was so excited for me??? I don't deserve her, wow. All-in-all, today was a very good day for me.

Point is, yay, top of honor roll. But I came back to reality way too quickly, sigh :

(although I can't tell if it's really reality. I think maybe everyone is choosing to live as though their views are absolute truth. And so while most people have this thought-process that is... I dunno, protective of themselves? Mine is... not. Mine is the opposite. So we are all choosing to see certain things. I wonder what an unbiased world looks like.)

Being way up there on the honor roll doesn't change anything. I am still average and the education system is still set up in MY favor. Then again, I can't be the only one who has a good memory and is pretty good at multiple choice tests..

Well, no matter. The first point is valid; I am average.

(Part of me is saying I'm being irrational. I do have an above average IQ. But that was an online test and IQ tests only test a certain type of intelligence so maybe I was right in the first place? Oh my g o d)

The next point is irrefutable! Maybe. I haven't tried refuting it, to be honest.

Anyway, the way they decide who is at the top of the honor roll is really fucking easy. They just take the class's highest final grade point average. Which is so stupid!

They SHOULD have a difficulty rating for each class (1 being the hardest).

Then, they could add up a single person's difficulty level numbers and then use that to divide their grade point average.

So

final grade
———————————————— = actual final grade yep
difficulty level


I didn't test this out so I'm not sure if it works. Just did it a bit in my head using some logic that may or may not be faulty.

(My fingers look so long today)

I can see where this process would be difficult, though. I mean some kids my age are taking "tenth" or even "ninth grade" classes while others are in college level and to say that one class is easier than the other is all subjective.

Hmm. I guess the point is that I have the highest average in my grade. I feel vaguely undeserving because I don't think I work the hardest...

I'm not saying school is easy. It holds my attention, which it WOULDN'T had it been too effortless???? But I always have this itching guilt, like I'm not putting my all into it.

For A.P. US History, I'm putting in more work than most of my classes but still??? Like, right now I should be reading and studying for Thursday's test, but what am I doing? Writing. Oh, yeah. I should also be writing my essay for English. I should not rush to finish it two hours before it is due like I did with my first English essay this year.

(Meanwhile, I spend like a week on APUSH summations. English and APUSH bleed into each other wayyyy too much)

Ughhhh, I'm being dumb. I'm doing perfectly fine and I deserve what I got.

(I don't believe myself, but I'm gonna leave it alone now)

---

Oh yeah. Sandwich told me a bit about Ethan. Said he was fine. More has happened along that line of drama but I don't wanna get into it. Mostly because now, I'm even more confused than I was.

I love my sister. That's what I know.
I love Ethan. I know that too. Or at least I used to haha. It's easy to forget.????? It's easy to not feel anything.

Yooo, gotta go runnin' now. See ya. Siberian Breaks!



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