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2015-12-08 20:16:47 (UTC)

This is literally from 3 days ago

December 8, 2015 Tuesday 7:24 PM

I love how terrible human beings are (me included).
I love how bleak the future is.
I mean, I just find it more funny than depressing (probably a defense mechanism because I also tend to laugh when trying to discuss emotionally disturbing memories or whatever).

My history class requires a ton of reading (I've read... maybe forty or so textbook pages in the past four days. Which doesn't sound like a lot but it's really dense okay) and sometimes that's annoying. Other times, I just... wow, people are so dumb and useless and it's amazing.

(Not trying to be condescending or anything. This is the last time I'm going to say it: I am very included in the 'people' I am referring to)

History kinda seems like this long series of misunderstandings and manipulations. I wish I was ten years old again, back when there was a Good Guy and a Bad Guy. Now, I empathize with all these awful people who have existed and it's almost like I have a higher opinion of THEM than the opposing side because I always KNEW the "bad guys" sucked. Now I also know that sometimes, they were just trying to do what was right. Meanwhile, the "good guys" end up having flaws I never wanted to know about and all I can say to describe how I feel about that is, "....oh."

It's to be expected, but stiiiiiillllll.

But Jesus, we're all so.... we're always doing the same thing. I wish my vocabulary was a bit more sophisticated because right now I just want to say, "It's dumb," or some variation of that haha.

History goes like this.

Bad guys want to do one thing. Bad guys do this thing. Bad guys continue doing this thing.

One of the bad guys realizes it's a dumb thing to do and goes all, "hey stop doing the thing" which is when he becomes the good guy.

So good guy says, "hey stop" and bad guys are all, "um??? no???"

good guy is all, "hey this is why you should stop"

bad guys, "but the bible."

good guy says, "hey other bad guys, come join the good side. you know why you should join this sooper good side??? because otherwise you're going to HELLLLLLLLLL."

a few bad guys go, "Oh damn" and then become good guys.

bad guys are all stubborn and say, "you're nothing without me! ya hear? NOTHING!" and they continue doing what they're doing. THey're pretty much constantly in denial, though, because people have the ability to empathize with a rock named Bertie, so of course they'd be able to empathize (deeeep, deeeeeeeeep down) with whoever/whatever they were hurting.

(although, let's face it. Whenever something/someone else is being hurt by the bad guys, we have to make it about ourselves and how this action can come back to bite us in the ass in order to feel as if something needs to be done. We're selfish. That's fine.)

Good guys are all, "um ok no violence but srsly bad guys chill out and stOP."

and then, after a couple seconds, a fight breaks out and people die and the world is miserable for a few minutes. Then comes the aftermath, which is always a period of fragility.

(So much like a physical injury, right? The place where you got hurt, that's the place you avoid moving or touching or disturbing in any way. Ugh, I hate how everything relates to everything else. That's a lie, I don't hate it. Something about it just rubs me the wrong way. Nothing is new)

Half the good guys aren't even that good, is my point. They just join because one guy happened to be super passionate when voicing his opinion. We're not swayed by fact, we're swayed by emotion and that's a terrible foundation for a stable society so um???

There's no way to fix it, though. We're always going to be emotional and irrational and unnecessarily violent because of differing opinions and we're always going to die, so it's fine.

Ugh. WHERE was I even going with this? I think I lost my thread somewhere along the way (Ariadne's thread!!! oH YM GOSH. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO REMEMBER THE NAME OF THAT MYTH FOR MONTHS. ARIADNE'S THREAD. I got lost in the labyrinth).

Oh, hey. That reminds me.

CONCEPTS THAT I ADORE (as long as they include tragedy, emotional torment, near-offensive comedy. Well, the last is optional but I enjoy it)

1. A group of schoolkids stuck alone on a tropical island. They initially begin the story as an adventure, but it gets increasingly disturbing and dark as things progress (this is why I loved Lord of the Flies so much. When I was little, I used to think about people stuck on an island. I thought about the aftermath of some kind of fight, some blood covered beach. Lord of the Flies is basically my dream come true).

2. More schoolkids, this time in an isolated old boarding school whose exterior walls are covered in vines. There are intricate gardens and stuff everywhere and as the story goes onnnn, a mystery unfolds. A mystery having to do with the building, that is. Not like, "oh who killed my professor" more like, "hmm what does this button do? gasp! a secret ROOM?!"
(Harry Potter is probably what started this obsession-y thing, but I also got some of it from The Secret Garden and a Lois Duncan book about a girl who went to this really weird private school that ended up burning down. Oops, spoilers. Plus, there was this "kids soap opera" type thing on Nickelodean some years back called House of Anubis or something – yes, I was attracted because of the Egyptian myth reference – and it was a really bad show but the idea was super cool).

3. Schoolkids... my main theme, yo.... stuck in some kind of maze or labyrinth. Actually, not schoolkids. Adolescents in general. The maze would be impossible tall, walls covered in vines, and really fucking dangerous. And there would be a mystery/puzzle they'd have to uncover in order to escape.
(Obsession partly sparked by Harry Potter, but mostly by the fourth Percy Jackson book, which is my favorite. This is why I loved The Maze Runner – the maze was exactly how I imagined it in my head???? It was great. Ah, it was so great. The rest of the series, I read mostly out of loyalty but the first was the best. I mean it was iN A FUCKING MAZE)


December 11, 2014 Friday 9:49 PM

This ends abruptly.

Oh, yeah. I wanted to talk about how cynicism and bitterness are different and, while sometimes they overlap, they don't always come together???

I guess this is what I mean:

Alexis is the happiest person I know. She's super bubbly (and simultaneously super chill???) and easy to be around and she always gives people the benefit of the doubt.

And yet, the other day, she said something super cynical. It was something about technology and how it's going to become such an important part of our life that we won't even move or need to use our heads anymore. To this, I said, "Hmm. I don't think that will happen. If it starts to move in that direction, we'll figure out a way to fix it."

and she said, "I don't think so. We're stupid. It's like Mr. Washington said about Global Warming –"

(Earlier that day, Mr. Washington had said that people choose to ignore Global Warming because it was easier that way, same way people used to ignore slavery's cruelty just to save themselves from the emotional torment... and probably the real stuff that'd happen, like, I dunno, losing an entire business)

"–no one will do anything about it until its too late. I mean, when have we ever made a good decision when it comes to these kindsa things?"

And just, damn, that's not what I expected to come out of her mouth. I mean, I know Alexis to be realistic and smart about things. I know her to see the best in people without really expecting anything, to be kind and human and curious. I love all that about her.

SO yeah, I guess I didn't expect her to be so frank when it came to the world's future or whatever. When I look back on it, I shouldn't have been surprised because she didn't sound.. angry or anything, it was just a statement.

I argued against it anyway, which is weird because I'm pretty cynical too. I think I just secretly believe I am responsible for balance, y'know? So when someone says everything will be fine, I think of all the cases in which nothing is fine. And when someone says everything is horrible, I think of all the reasons nothing is horrible.

As I said, "Jeez, you're more cynical than I am!" to Alexis, John said to me, "Do you even know what cynical means?"

I was confused by his question, because I had used to the word right, and said, "Yes I do" and then we kinda just stared at each other for a few seconds. It was weird haha.

Later that day, around ten PM (this may have been last night or the night before), I realized that John may have asked me that (with his usual attitude of course) because the word 'cynical' is usually associated with bitterness.

But look here, this is a the definition of a cynic: "a person who believes that only selfishness motivates human actions and who disbelieves in or minimizes selfless acts or disinterested points of view."

I believe this absolutely.

(To be fair, an alternate definition of cynic actually used to word 'bitter' but ugh I just disagree).

Only it doesn't make me upset or angry. I just think it's... natural. Of course people are selfish; it's in our genes. It's what kept us alive. We also have empathy for the purpose of protecting our fellow humans, which is another skill-thingy developed to ensure the passing of genes (I learned this stuff in that Sociopath book I read last year which, in one chapter, explained the evolutionary reasons for sociopaths not being a majority... That phrasing was super awkward but y'know what I mean. Anyway, it's one of my favorite things to think about).

So, okay, maybe I don't 100% believe that people are piss pots, but we still kinda suck and that's natural. I love people, though. I love them with all my heart. I love seeing the bad parts, too. Nothing more honest.

In conclusion, you don't really have to be bitter and angry to expect the worst from the world and it's people. We live in a cold, unforgiving place. That's not something to be upset about... maybe it can change, albeit slowly, but it's been true for awhile now and it'll continue being true for who knows how long.

(I find it kinda funny, actually. And, y'know, a bit depressing. But mostly funny in a way I can't really explain. Do you understand?)

K, byeeeee.


I am aware that my writing is really sloppy. I don't intend to fix that. Sorry, haha.