Sleep Paralysis Yo
"Not Always Happy" by Petite League [these guys are stationed in my state!!! Like an hour away from where I live but still!!
December 7, 2015 Monday 4:48 PM
Yeugh I've got a migraine. Oops, I meant to write this entry two hours ago. This band is cute (it's the same guy who was in Spark Alaska and I liked that band too so yay).
Just wanna give an update, I guess. I finished Mr. Rays' book. It was good, I liked it, but I ended up being really surprised because I misinterpreted the relationship between the two main characters? Like COMPLETELY misinterpreted. In other words, the ship has sunk. It was really good, though. A very fast read.
Emotionally, I'm better. I saw Pat like a week ago and ranted for an hour and a half straight about how I have no future and I am going to die. She was all, "How did you manage to say so many bad things about yourself in ten seconds" and I was like, "Whaaaaa??"
"You put yourself down so many times..."
Me, "I was just being realistic."
And I was. I don't hate myself. I don't!!! I just don't mesh with my own personality as well as most people mesh with their own personality. And that's my fault.
(Pat would probably tell me to stop feeling guilty right about now haha)
So yeah, I guess I'm kinda mean to myself. I try not to be. But being nice to myself is so against my nature, which is awful. I just remember being little and seeing all these awful things in the world, seeing people's hearts getting broken, and so I told myself, "I will not let myself be like that. I will not let myself get hurt the way they do. I'm going to skip the part where everyone learns that you can't trust anyone. I am going to be keep my expectations realistic." And so then, I just tried thinking of how things would actually happen and not how I hoped they would happen.
Unfortunately, I was a lot more irrational and anxious back then compared to now. So I usually saw "WORST CASE SCENARIO" and it wasn't good. I terrified myself.
but the point is, I'm still stuck with that habit of trying to be realistic, trying to avoid disappointment at every turn. (I'm also trying to avoid calling myself 'fucked up' but dude, my mental head is in my mental hands right now because I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES THAT ARE SO DIFFICULT TO SOLVE AND I JUST WANT THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE)
I can't tell when I'm being mean and when I'm being truthful, though?????? I am pretty confident when I say that I'm not smart, just lucky.
I'm average in intelligence. Lucky because I work well with the school system. I am never going to be the kind of person who does something groundbreaking or amazing.
But whatever, I'm suddenly tired of all this. I want to talk about some good things.
TODAY Mr. Washington (recap: my AP US History teacher) stopped me in the hall and was like
Him: [insert my last name here]!! Is that you?
Me: Oh, yeah. Hi, Mr. Washington!
Him. Hi. Quick, tell me something nice!
Me, flustered: Er... You're nice. And you're very cool.
Me: I'm sorry, it's a lot of pressure!
Him: Eh, it's good enough
Me: But seriously, you're one of my favorite teachers. I'm not kidding at all.
Him: Well, good, because you're shaping up to be one of my favorite students.
Me: Yay it's mutual!!!
I had been having a bad day and that really just cheered me up. I was a ball of sunshine after that. I said hello to the monitor and saw Alexis and Chelsea in the hallways, chatted with them (well, I chatted with Alexis. Chelsea was running up and down the stairs for a science lab). Then, this girl asked me a question (I had been hanging fliers) about Roy G Biv and I answered them all bubbly and stuff and it was just good. Too bad it happened so late in the day. I could've used a good mood during PreCalc or English. I felt like an unhappy grasshopper. Or a fly. The kind that reflects all blue and yellow. Pretty... Pretty in a gross way. Pretty much me.
I'm glad Adrian called me a wood elf that one time. It made me happy. He also told me my hair feels like bird feathers (the downy ones) and it made me imagine nice things (hair made of birds, mainly).
Liv and Adrian like to pet my hair because it's soft.
"And as a young boy, you were just an older man..." -Portuguese Voices by Spark Alaska
"You're a letter never opened and never read." ^^^^
CALM DOWN, U KNOW U GOTTA BREATHE IN. AH THIS SONG I FORGOT ABOUT THIS SONG IT REMINDS ME OF THANKSGIVING LAST YEAR AND ELISE
(winter songs always remind me of her. Well, a lot of things frickin' remind me of her. I think about her all the time. Usually the same things over and over again. I told Liv that she was like Elise. Liv said something like, "How? I mean, all I remember you saying about her is that her skin was like the sky."
I said more than that about Elise but it was way back in April and a bit in August when it was killing me... So I don't think she would remember.
I'm glad she remembered that her skin was like the sky, though. I can't remember who said that – was that her? Someone else? Me? I don't remember. It feels like the thought doesn't belong to me.
Bruised skies, though. Reminded me.)
HEY! SOmething freaky happened yesterday. First of all, I had a terrifying nightmare which I believe was actually sleep paralysis. I woke up from a nightmare but I couldn't stop feeling hands on my wrists and then I got raped by some heavy warmth, an invisible being, and I couldn't move. I tried getting up but the hands squeezed and it hurt my fingers. I woke up again after that.
I both hate and love that I keep having these nightmares. I've had a shitload in the past month. But anyway, this one was one of the worst. It was exciting, but I'm a bit freaked out having nightmares in which I can't wake up??? Eh. At least I wasn't being choked by a wire this time.
Yeah, they all have common themes.
-I will for some reason have very little control over my body
-The evil thing, whatever I fear, is always invisible
-I always have a hard time waking up
Oh my god. I just got really dizzy.
That brings me to my next point. The thing that really freaked me out is that yesterday, I had some kind of weird vertigo attack???
I was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast with my family and then my stomach started trembling the way my hands do. it made me nauseas but I tried ignoring it since I'm used to nausea. And then it got worse so I pushed away my food just for a bit.
I was talking to my dad about something and then suddenly, I couldn't hear very well??? Everything sounded far away and I couldn't think. I literally couldn't think. We had been talking about India and I was trying to say that the Muslims were moved out of India (into Pakistan) following their emancipation from Britain. But I forgot the word Muslim and started slurring my words kinda and ended up saying "lessssss" and then I made a joke like, "hah. Yeah, the lesbians went to Pakistan" but I could barely hear myself and my vision was sliding all over the place and it felt like someone sucked the pressure out of my head. Then, I freaked out and my parents were chill about it while I cried.
All of my muscles were trembling! My knees were shaking almost all day and I was nauseas for about as long. I could walk and kinda feel my lips but still. It went away by the time seven PM rolled around (In ate breakfast at like noon) but it made me really depressed all day. Yesterday was awful.
Today, I was 100% fine except that I got really lightheaded for no reason during study hall (I was sitting down) and just now I felt all lopsided and my vision was... weird.
I always overreact to these things, though, so I dunno.
Okay well I really have to go do homework.
I miss this diary so much. I miss writing.
I want to tell you how happy I am!!! I'm so good! I have friends and stuff. It's just, life is nice. And messy. Life is messy. I don't love that fact. Ugh. Goodnight.
EDIT 8:42 PM:
I ACCIDENTALLY WROTE MY REAL LAST NAME HERE. I CHANGED IT BUT OH MY GOD. MY ONE MISTAKE IN THE TWO YEARS I'VE HAD THIS DIARY. PROBABLY. EH.
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