Nadia

wet blanket
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2015-12-03 11:13:37 (UTC)

Dear Mum

Recently I'd been wondering why I wanted to move out so bad.
Then you made me remember why.
It's because of nights like this.
Nights where you don't stop. You keep angering me further and further. Do you enjoy it?
Do you enjoy it when I start physically shaking because the anger is coursing through me like lava. You won't leave me alone. Not until you get a reaction, and even then you keep pushing it.
And these nights, make me wish I was so far away from you. These nights make me feel like I wouldn't mind never hearing from you again.
You've targeted me for too much of my life to ever let it go, and no matter how many times I might reconsider this and actually try to build a normal mother daughter relationship with you, you ruin it ever single time. You tear down all the bridges, and I rebuild the walls.
We both know you've always had it out for me. Always.
You've always been fine with Luke, you had some rough patches with Zoe but you're fine now. I felt like I could relate to Zoe then.
And whenever it happens the depression just tugs at me, wanting me to let it out like I used to. I try to just throw something, punch something, anything. I know it's better than turning to myself, but some nights... it's inevitable.
I wonder if you'll ever read this and truly realise how badly you destroyed our relationship over the years. No one has ever made me feel as angry, sad and helpless as you do.


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