Level 4: Disaster Zone
"For The Damaged Coda" by Blonde Redhead [this song is really, really fucking good]
"Do You Feel It?" by Chaos Chaos [ahhhh super good]
[I got both of these songs from some epic Rick and Morty episodes. That is now my favorite show. Just kidding, no it's not. Over The Garden Wall still holds my heart, but I fucking love this show. Why am I so into mean people?]
November 28, 2015 Saturday 10: 17 PM
Hi Dane. I really hope your Thanksgiving was good and I'm planning to ask you about it when my life stops being so annoying. Talk to ya soon, hopefully.
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I want to interview some people, like Sandwich and Liv and stuff. I want to know how their minds work, because if I understand THEM, then maybe I can understand most people. Maybe I can figure out how to paint them with few lines.
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"I ruined my life to this song. Lol."
That was a YouTube comment on a Dr. Dog song (Where'd All The Time Go?) haha.
I almost ruined my life to a song once! I can't listen to it anymore. The last time I played it on purpose was probably like... May of 2013 at group therapy. I tried listening to it a few times after it happened, but it just hurt too much. I've heard it on the radio since then and it's always really suck-y. I can't hear what I used to hear, probably because of the stained memory and it makes me want to blow out my ear drums or whatever it is you do to make yourself deaf. Shove a q-tip up in there?
I'm vaguely worried about myself. I think I'm dying or something. No, haha, but I do think I must be really stressed. I don't feel... particularly... stressed, but when I look around, I can see all the signs???
For one thing, I cry a lot for stupid reasons and get really irritable. I've also been taking a lot of naps. Even when I get a good night's sleep, I'll go and sleep for another couple hours, which is weird because I never used to be good at sleeping in the middle of the day.
Plus, my room is a disaster. Yep. My room is usually a pretty good reflection of my mental state.
Level 1: Sparkly Clean - Times that I've spent an entire weekend cleaning and vacuuming and sweeping and re-organizing. I feel relaxed and happy and have a bunch of enthusiasm/energy for life, yay.
Level 2: A bit messier - This is when I've begun throwing my stuff on the floor and telling myself I'll put it away in the morning, ignoring the nagging voice in the back of my head that says, "This is how it starts." I'm not dying or anything, but I've got a bit more to do and spend most of my time elsewhere.
Level 3: Not-Quite-Messy - This is either the weekends in which
(1) I wake up, look around, and decide I'll have a heart attack if my room continues being a Level 4, so I settle upon a temporary solution AKA the throwing of things into somewhat organized trash piles. This eases my stress a little???
(2) the weekends in which my Level 2 has progressed to the current state, a Level 3. I think about cleaning it, and then tell myself that that is exactly what I will do if I finish my homework before Sunday night.
Level 4: DISASTER ZONE - this is when I'm stressed out and so whenever I have free time, I do nothing, and whenever I don't have free time, I do nothing. So the clutter builds up as the panic does and I'm so freaked that I can't bring myself to fix it. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'll push it back to a Level 3, but usually, it just builds around me until my chest is constantly burning and yeah. That's basically me right now.
Okay, so I guess I feel a little stressed. Thinking about my room is making my whole torso burn, jesus. I haven't had any weird organ pains for a few days, though, so yay.
It's not really the room that's making me stressed, just so I'm clear: the room is a reflection, REFLECTION people. It's school and it's my inability to do anything right and it's my laziness and it's all this horrible stuff about myself and
I believe I am dissolving or freaking out or something, but it's all super confusing because I also feel fine.
I have no reason to be so stressed, either, since any need to rush my work is my own fault.
Ugh, writing is depressing me and my feet are cold.
Caroline is home.
I told her to talk to Sandwich, since when I saw him on Thursday at the annual Thanksgiving marathons we were volunteering at, he insisted I force her to contact him.
I don't want to push it, though. Caroline doesn't seem to want to see him, probably because Sandwich and Ethan are friends, but I already told Sandwich not to bring Ethan into it. Not that Caroline KNOWS I said that. I don't think she'd want me to bring it up.
I hope I know her well enough to be right about that.
Anyways, I think she's wrong to hide it from Sandwich.
I didn't tell him much. I just told him Ethan isn't allowed at our house anymore (I mostly try not to think about it because now it feels like I lost someone again and that pisses me off).
I hate 2015. This year is absolute shit.
It's wonderful in so many ways, but whatever I said before was selfish; I wish it was all different. I wish nothing had to change the way it did, which no one had to leave.
Eh. It's all good, I'm numb again. My arms and feet and pinkies are cold as ice. I have to pee again. I drink a lot of water. I also feel kind of light headed, even though I'm sitting down, and the other day, I thought I was going to have a panic attack.... I think.
Did that even happen? I can't remember.
Maybe it was that I woke up feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. Maybe it was a dream.
I've had like three nightmares this week and each of them have jerked me awake at some ungodly hour.
Oh, yeah. I think I've had more weird nightmares this month than I've had all year. I've been tracking my dreams and yeah.
It's always my panting and squirming that brings me back to reality.
All of the dreams take place at night and the evil creature is always invisible or some kind of shadow. Plus, I pretty much always wake into the nightmare. Like, in my nightmare, I am jerked awake into this world that I only think is real because I had just been sleeping, hadn't I? And people don't sleep in dreams.
(except for that logic is stupid because I've slept in my dreams soooo many times before)
Well, that's that.
Oh, also, I had a more pleasant dream in which I was cuddling with Adrian and I wanted to kiss him. I mean, it was pleasant in the moment, but now I just find the whole thing really weird.
I don't like Adrian that way and I'm sure he doesn't like me that way (he's got a girlfriend who is probably nice. Well, he says she's mean, but that probably means I'd like her, as long as she's a very specific kind of mean).
I wonder why I keep having these intimate dreams about Adrian? I'm not attracted to him in real life, except for that one time a couple weeks ago and the times before that during our last school year. Hmmm... But then I got to know him and I still like him, but not that way, y'know?
Of course, I knew him a couple weeks ago and still kind of wanted to kiss him, but I was in a weird mood and maybe I just felt like I was in a dream. That happens to me sometimes. I woke up all cloudy the day after that happened and felt so weird. Started pulling away from Adrian a bit after that, not because of the wanting to kiss him thing but because I divulged too much personal information and I'm stupid enough to let that make me feel vulnerable.
I hate how fragile I am, jesus. I wish I didn't care so much.
Even with Liv. We're each others best friends and all I can think is that it can only go downhill from here and soon she'll get annoyed with me and then she'll grow to hate me and what will I do then? If I can't get ONE person to stay with me?
See what I mean? Angsty and insecure. Ugh, just slap me with a stick of butter and call me bread.
SO. Those dreams were weird and I wonder what they mean.
I've been playing a lot of solitaire.
I laughed a lot with Caroline. I hope I made her feel a little happier. Sandwich asked me, "Is she sad again?" and I didn't know what to say.
At first, when he said 'again' I thought he meant because she'd been depressed in the past but then I realized he meant the scars on her face (2013 was a shit year too, wasn't it?).
I was cold, and he let me use his gloves, which didn't help much but I appreciated the gesture. Sandwich is a really nice guy and that makes me want to cry.
WHY AM I SUCH AN EMOTIONAL FLOWER?
I like the idea of being a flower, but I don't like that everything makes me want to cry, whether from joy or sadness, whatever. WHY AM I SO CHEESY? Ugh. Of course I'd be cursed with a quality I hate. Or it could be that I hate the quality because I possess it.
One day, I'll die and a piece of me will become something else and before I know it, I'll exist again as a small human being, pulled from something I can only call 'blackness' and thrown into a saturated world that'll fade with time, just like everything else does.
That's how my life started at least. Blackness and then flickers of dreams and then colors. And thoughts. I remember wondering how it happened. That's not a fake memory, I promise. I don't know where I was when I was thinking about it, I just remember that I was very small and couldn't figure out how I came to be. See, it felt like I just blinked into existence. That could be a trick of memory, though. Who knows; I definitely don't.
"Wake up early and you'll live to regret (nothing is clear)."
Hmm. Okay, goodnight. I want to say I feel calmer, but I'm still imagining myself as a pot of boiling water, or a tipping paint can, or something equally chaotic. Maybe I am entropy.