Experienced Life
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2015-11-25 00:04:12 (UTC)

I asked God Something

Had a very bad day a week ago. I guess I was depressed. Nothing I could put my finger on so it may have been an accumulation of the non-fun things happening in my life.

I was just tired really. So I asked God to just let me go. Not mad at anyone. Not mad at the ex, work, friends, or anything. I guess I was just tired of doing the same old crap of just getting by with life. So I asked or pretty much just begged to be let go from here. No regrets or anything. I just felt my soul is just empty.

I thought that I couldn't find love again even if it hits me in the face. I figured that I'm so jaded now with all the damage done that I'd lose that special person if I even met her. So I asked to just die. Nothing painful. Just wanted to maybe pass in my sleep.

That night, I had a dream. It wasn't dirty. It was just an innocent dream. I know it's stupid but it was nice. It was about meeting someone new and that feeling you get just like in High school. Falling for someone. In my dream, I was getting to know this girl. I came to see her. Forgot if it was in school but it was crowded and I was asking my friends there where she was. Her name was Megan. I asked of few of my friends where she was. They knew I was going head over heals for her. Finally, one of them pointed to me where she was. I think it was something like a big hall. She was just sitting on a blanket on a floor. I saw her and I sat on opposite ends of the blanket crowded with peeps. That feeling was there. Meeting someone that you are falling for and knowing by her smile that she was sorta falling for you too. We never touched. We never even hugged. It was just a dream.

It got me thinking. How did that dream come about? It's my mind right? It's maybe my soul telling me I'm not dead yet? I dunno. I thought I'd never feel that way again even in a dream so is this my soul again telling me that I'm not dead? Maybe God giving me a sign not to give up? Or just me being stupid and this is just a coincidence dream? I don't know. I just know my soul is not as dead as I thought I was.

Just thought I'd bring this up diary. Phsycho analyzing myself is not my specialty. I usually just work, get paid, get drunk and try to go do or play my hobbies like darts, kayaking, and fishing to get by. Still no kiddos. Haven't seen them since last March so I guess that is that.

At least I woke up with a smile the next day after the dream. A day of being happy even for just a day is pretty awesome for me. I take what I can get nowadays.

Later diary.